


The Boy-Who-Memed (and lived to tell the tale)

by Arualiaa, DarkkBluee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Gratuitously Hot Voldemort, M/M, Role-Playing Game, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-20 08:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 116
Words: 43,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20225164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arualiaa/pseuds/Arualiaa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkkBluee/pseuds/DarkkBluee
Summary: Voldemort gets a mobile, and Harry manages to get his number from Draco to send him hate messages





	1. Harry Potter

**Author's Note:**

> This is the posting of an RP between DarkBlue and Arualiaa. Grammatical errors may be abound. We really don't care.

Honestly, in Harry's opinion, if smartphones were already amazing, _ wizarding _ smartphones were the best thing since sliced bread. Dudley had gotten an iPhone on his ninth birthday, and Harry had already resigned himself to the fate of never coming anywhere close to owning one until he was at least eighteen.

But of course, Hogwarts happened. _ Everything _ happened.

And that everything also happened to include Sirius gifting him a magical smartphone so they could text while he was at Hogwarts.

Which led him to the most obvious path, really.

After bullying Malfoy for weeks into giving him Voldemort's number (because of course the first thing the bastard would do after his resurrection would be to get himself a damn phone) he started his new tactic to defeat him. Psychological warfare.

Or maybe it was just him being petty.

> > hey
> 
> > are you planning for your funeral yet?


	2. Voldemort

Voldemort, of course, was surprised to see a message from an unknown number. Sure he had bought the phone weeks ago to know more about the progress of the Muggle and Wizarding World in his 'absence' as well as a faster method to contact his followers. But till now, not a single one of them had taken the first step to contact him by their own volition.

And then, the person who _did_ contact him sends him _this_. Whatever this was meant to be. What _was_ this meant to be??

For that matter, _how_ did an Unknown get his number?? Did one of his followers get an extra phone just to prank him? Did _none_ of them recall what happened to people who pranked him at Hogwarts? Did their ancestors not pass on their _wisdom_?

Well, Voldemort will easily disabuse this unknown person of their vain assumption.

> To Whomsoever it concerns,

> There are easier, and less painful, ways to commit suicide than to insult a Dark Lord.
> 
> But Lord Voldemort is merciful, and will forgive this one mistake.
> 
> You have been warned. Don't provoke me again.
> 
> Your Merciful and Benevolent Lord,
> 
> Lord Voldemort


	3. Harry Potter

Harry snickered. Did the man always type out a whole essay? He signed it. He bloody _signed_ it, and even referred to himself in the third person.

Yeah, merciful and benevolent, his arse. Googling another picture, Harry typed one-handed while covering his mouth to not laugh too hard.

> > oh so kind, merciful and benevolent you are, my lord
> 
> > to earn your forgiveness, i comissioned a portrait of you

After a few seconds trying (and failing) to get it together, he sent the picture. His shoulders were shaking in mirth.

> > this is you. this is how dumb you look
> 
> > it was very hard to capture your essence perfectly, i hope you appreciate it, my lord


	4. Voldemort

Voldemort read the message and blinked. Then he took a closer look and blinked again.

"Well..." He mused as he re-read the words. An image of the writer formed in his mind.

Not a Slytherin and not his follower or close relative either. For one, they wouldn't send a picture of an Arabian Sand Boa to him. They had more self-preservation than that. For another, they wouldn't use such crass words to insult him. He was very clear on that, for he had 3 years full of memories of Slytherins insulting him for each and every imaginable slight under the sky. They wouldn't use such words, or images.

The wit was sarcastic enough to be from a Ravenclaw, but not a Hufflepuff.

And only a Gryffindor would insult him, use a snake to do it and use such provocative words to send him a message.

Well, since the author of the message wanted to die so badly, he had to first extrapolate who the author was.

> To Someone Who Doesn't Value Their Life,
> 
> I'm aware my magnificence leaves you speechless, but using images of innocent animals to compensate for your lack of vocabulary? And lacking images at that? You need to visit a Healer. A *Mind* healer.
> 
> Jesting aside, you certainly have wit and courage, but no shame, for using innocent animals to make your point. Not even *I*, as a Dark Lord, have ever fallen to such depths. Congratulations, for you've proven yourself to be a hypocrite and everything you stand against.
> 
> Let us hope you learn something from the self-preservation insticts of the very animals you so make fun of and *Do Not* message me again. I may let this go a second time, but *not* a third. As you must know, the muggles have a euphemism, "Third Time's the Charm." Believe me, it won't be a Healing Charm.
> 
> Your Unamused Lord,
> 
> Lord Voldemort

And he sends it, hoping the writer would dare to reply again. The crude message, the words and images used, means the writer has a personal Vendetta and has seen, or has knowledge of his newly resurrected form. One more message, and he will have enough information to conclude whom this mysterious suicidal idiot was.

And he certainly wrote the message provocatively enough that there was a reply soon after.


	5. Harry Potter

Harry's eyebrows rose to his hairline when he saw the lengthy reply he got. Yes, leave it to the dramatic, pompous bastard to write him an _essay_.

> > oh magnificent lord, you're absolutely right. you leave me completely speechless with your kindness
> 
> > the animals, goodness me! it was so wrong of me to forget about the poor animals! forgive me, my lord, for not meeting your saintly expectations. you're such a bleeding heart
> 
> > have you ever considered quitting the dark lord business and becoming an activist? what a pure and noble soul you have, my lord! entertaining someone who doesn't value their life, even!

Harry's text _dripped_ in sarcasm, but he was already regretting saying those last words. Lord bloody Voldemort of all people didn't need to know how much his life sucked with Umbridge in it.

Especially after he'd gotten yet another month of detention for threatening Malfoy into giving him that very number. His hand was still bandaged up and hurt like a bitch. Thanks, Malfoy.

> > in any case, since you don't want me to make fun of the poor, innocent animals, do i have your generous permission to draw actual portraits?
> 
> > very flattering, i know. this is fanmail by this point
> 
> > or do you own the rights to your image? should i expect a letter from the aurors saying i'm in trouble for copyright? Dark Lord™, has a nice ring to it


	6. Voldemort

"This," Voldemort smiles as he reads the message, "makes a _lot_ of sense."

After all, the only Gryffindor, or Ravenclaw for that matter, who has seen him after his resurrection, and knows about Muggle concepts is one _Harry Potter_.

Snape, as a Death Eater, is bound by rules and cannot share his memories of his meetings with anyone outside of Death Eater meetings. Thus, for someone who hasn't ever seen him face-to-face after his resurrection? Impossible to know enough to draw a portrait of him.

The only non-Death Eater who _did_, and _lived_, is one Harry Potter.

And sure, someone who'd have _heard_ how he looks like could maybe draw his picture. But who else would have the courage? To say what they did, to _write_ what they did, to have absolutely no fear of their life even after he threatened them twice and continue to do it again and again? Someone who has been raised in the Wizarding World would _never_ have the courage to take him as lightly as the author of this message did.

And the only person in common amongst all these, with various traits who can do this, is _Potter_.

> To the Boy Who Lived
> 
> Lord knows you're a Gryffindor, but I've been assured that patience is not a House specific trait. So, please be patient. You're not at the top of my list of enemies and people to kill. It will take me a while longer to make my way down.
> 
> Maybe I will start with the godfather of yours? Or how about your muggle family? Killing off your closest living relatives *and* cleansing the world of muggles, one step at a time. Isn't this what one could call "Two birds with one stone"?
> 
> The Dark Lord,
> 
> Lord Gaunt-Peverell, Heir Slytherin
> 
> Lord Voldemort of Britain


	7. Harry Potter

It would be a lie to say Harry wasn't taken aback by having been figured out in less than half an hour. Should he bluff his way out of it? ...no, Voldemort sounded pretty sure.

He texted Sirius instead.

> > please don't ask how i know this, but voldemort's after you. i know you hate it but pls don't leave grimmauld's place please please please

> > Harry wtf did you do????!?!?!

> > nothing, just warning you! and also text me every night to let me know you're safe

> > Im supposed to be the adult here Harry

> > shhhh padfoot just text me

After a moment's hesitation, he also sent a quick text to Dudley.

> > big d, if you value your life, dont go outside with your gang for a while, okay?
> 
> > remember those things that almost killed you? a psycho is after you too. dont tell uncle vernon or aunt petunia they'll just freak out and don't believe me, but we both know what happened
> 
> > fuck you're probably at the gym arent you? you tosser. just please stay at home as much as possible after school, play some xbox, i don't care, just stay in the damn house where it's safe

After sorting his priorities down, he finally replied to the snakeface who would just not bloody die.

> > "lord knows"? please. please don't tell me that was a pun. i don't now where you bought that sense of humour of yours but if i were you i'd demand a refund
> 
> > i'll say, though, it's pretty funny how you sign all your texts with all your titles like you're writing a formal letter, i'm starting to think it would actually physically kill you to act a bit less pretentious
> 
> > since you're such a kind and merciful soul that you would even campaign for reptile rights, maybe i could let you take a peek at my private howler account. bet that'd put me higher in that priority list

Ok, maybe that was a bit morbid. Voldemort didn't need to know about his vent account with his existential angst, rants about Umbridge and self-deprecating memes.

> > but no! you wouldn't dare touch my muggle family! not them! and especially not my uncle, he's the nicest person i know! don't take him away from me!


	8. Voldemort

Voldemort didn't need to be the highest record holder of this century's OWL and NEWTs grades to know that there was something seriously wrong with the message. The way things were phrased, the short and unexpected emotional vent, the things that were mentioned and the things that were not. If Voldemort was not who he was, he might have never realised exactly _what_ was wrong with the message.

Not to mention, the delay between messages for this instant was longer than the previous two. There were images involved in the previous messages and if one considers that finding images on the Wizarding Network is more time consuming than typing 4 consecutive messages, then it is a pretty obvious conclusion that Potter is trying to manipulate him.

"How... interesting..." He muses and reads through the message again.

The first is the typical angry retort. A teenager attempting a juvenile retort. Though it _is_ amusing that Potter got the pun. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

The second is witty and more along the lines of previous messages. Potter was trying to regain his previous footing here.

The third, while similar, is more along the lines of Potter complaining than genuine anger. Something to look into. If there are people who hate Potter enough to send multiple Howlers, then maybe they'd be available for an easy recruitment. Really, talking to Potter was good for coming up with creative plans. Maybe he will keep him alive a while longer just for the stimulating conversation?

The fourth though, that's where things get interesting. Potter doesn't mention Sirius Black. At all. And he knows from Wormtail and Severus that they're very close. Sirius Black had been clamoring and begging Dumbledore to bring Potter to stay with him all summer and Potter did the same. For Potter to rather live with his escaped convict of a godfather rather than his muggle family? An escaped convict whom he has met face-to-face no more than a handful of times? A desire to live in the magical world, his rightful heritage? Or something more?

And on the other hand, Potter begs to protect his Uncle. Someone he'd been willing to run away from in his Third Year, as the Improper Use of Underage Magic office has noted.

Well, another letter to make sure his suspicions are off the mark. _And isn't this the first time he hopes his suspicions are incorrect?_

> To Harry Potter,
> 
> I'm surprised to see that Gryffindor recklessness hasn't affected your brain enough to render you unable to appreciate humor. My regards to a well developed mind in spite of the drawback of an insipid living environment. I hope this trend continues and you manage to retain your sense over long years in Gryffindor. I have never had much higher hopes for a Gryffindor. Do try and not disappoint me.
> 
> Your muggle Uncle, you say? My thanks for your confession of a list of people of import to you. Might I ask for a name and address? I will make sure to place high on the list, right below Sirius Black, and the Weasley's. To sate your curiosity, you, my Prophesized Vanquisher, are *last* on the list. To make sure you feel the pain of seeing the people you love die in front of you one-by-one. All because of your choices and actions.
> 
> But I am a generous Lord and will forgive most of your impertinance if you apologize. Out of 11 people that have been listed, I'll kill one less for every sincere apology you pen on a parchment. And being as benevolent as I am, I will allow you to chose whom each apology shall pardon.
> 
> Sirius Black, the Weasley's or your Uncle. Your Choice.
> 
> Your Generous, Merciful and Benevolent Lord,
> 
> Lord Gaunt-Peverell, Heir Slytherin
> 
> Dark Lord of Britain
> 
> Lord Voldemort


	9. Harry Potter

Wow, Voldemort was really going all out on this. Time to issue another warning.

> > mate
> 
> > thank god you texted me hermione is being the stuff of nightmares again

> > you got your phone silenced, right? i'm assuming she kidnapped you to the library
> 
> > anyway this is actually very important
> 
> > remember when we drunkenly thought it'd be a good idea to send memes to voldemort?

> > .....mate no. you didn’t

> > i can't text much rn, i'm kinda multitasking here. he let it slip he's got a kill list in order of priority. tell your family, tell them to contact dumbledore and the order, fuck
> 
> > text your mum, say the burrow's not safe unless you have a fidelius, shit shit shit
> 
> > bloody hell i
> 
> > sorry ron g2g he'll get suspicious if i dont reply fast

Harry took a deep breath. Was he really going to do this?

> > do you know what's inspid? your attempts at blackmail. are you seriously offering me a whitelist? what kind of dark lord are you? > but if you insist...

He was doing this. If everyone was warned in time, they would be safe. His hands shook as he typed what was essentially a death sentence, but if there were two people who deserved to die almost as much, if not more than Voldemort himself, it was...

> > i'd feel a lot better to know uncle vernon will be safe at grunnings drills so he can work in peace. he's just a muggle, he doesnt need to get involved in this mess
> 
> > would your generosity extend to teachers, too? because we've been changing dada teachers every year, as i'm sure you know. it bloody sucks, and dolores umbridge is a very nice woman and possibly the best professor we've ever had

There. He'd gone and done it. Shaking from either adrenaline or the horror of his own actions, he took a deep breath.


	10. Voldemort

The reply this time was curious again. He tilted his head and read the message a second time. And then a third. Curiouser and Curiouser still.

Again, the thing that stood out the most was Potter ignoring the most of the message. What he has not mentioned, is even more interesting than what he _has_.

And the biggest clue? The very fact that not even his most bigoted pureblood followers would ever call _Dolores Umbridge_ a _nice_ woman. Oh sure, they would not insult her, but actually _praise_ her? Use a positive annotation in regards to her, children and her ability as an educator?

Did Potter really think him to be that ease to rile and that easy to fool? This was almost insulting!!

> To My Prophecized Vanquisher,
> 
> Never, in my life, have I been as insulted by *anyone* as your previous message pens. You beg for the life of your muggle uncle and *Dolores Umbridge*, without a single apology or mention of any other name? Do you think my title of a Dark Lord is for show? That I once nearly conquered Wizarding Britain just by relying on my Magic and Followers?
> 
> At least respect Magic, the very force that decreed me capable of being a Lord of Magic, if not my history and credentials!
> 
> All insults and disrespect aside, I will give you one last chance. You once called me a liar. I am *Not*. I deflect, imply or bribe, but *never* lie. Nor do I tolerate liars. Be honest, for once in your life, Harry Potter, and I will accept your apologies. Be sincere, Harry Potter, and our previous exchange of "an apology per person" will still hold. Do note, though, that an apology only means I will not go after them specifically. If they cross my path and continue to hamper my efforts, I and my followers will retaliate will lethal force.
> 
> I am not your bloodhound, nor a killer for hire. Be honest. Give me reasons. And Lord Voldemort might consider the Chosen One's request for assistance. I did study alchemy once upon a time, Harry Potter, and the principle of equivalent exchange does seem quite logical, doesn't it?
> 
> As anointed by Magic
> 
> The Dark Lord of Britain
> 
> Lord Gaunt-Peverell, Heir Slytherin
> 
> Lord Voldemort


	11. Harry Potter

Oh shite. Oh fuck. Oh no. Voldemort was _angry_. He'd caught on. Of course he'd catch on. Stupid, stupid, stupid... He spared a second to Howl something. If there was going to be bloodshed, he wanted to record his last words.

** **

> ** _fuck the toad @DAt_boi_ **
> 
> _i wanna yeet myself into the sun jesus christ this is very very bad_

Harry didn't wait to check for any replies to his thread. He went back to the conversation with Voldemort immediately. Staring at the unoriginal contact name he'd chosen, Snakeface, he felt very stupid.

He _really_ should have stuck to snake memes. The teen was shaking, trying to control his breathing. He read and reread the long, long string of messages. Again, and again.

Anointed by Magic. What the _hell_ did that even mean? His heart pounded in his chest as he typed.

> > you want honesty. an equivalent exchange
> 
> > two lives for two lives. you killed my parents. revenge won't bring them back, im not stupid

Harry closed his eyes, trying to write a coherent response with the cool head he didn't have at the moment.

> > you died that day, and nothing good came from it. nothing at all, trust me
> 
> > i'm stuck with these two people because of you. because of the choices you made
> 
> > the least you can do is take responsibility. is that good enough of a reason, or do you really need me to overshare?

Right as he hit send, Harry knew his turbulent emotions were getting the best of him. He tried to do as Hermione suggested, and tried to think of white noise, radio static, anything. They didn't know if his link with Voldemort was a two-way street.


	12. Voldemort

Voldemort smiles, the first true smile from the bottom of his heart since his resurrection. He almost felt like capturing this exchange and framing it on his wall.

Potter was leveraging his parents death to get him to kill his muggle Uncle and Dolores Umbridge. Wasn't this interesting ~ He is almost... proud, of the way Harry Potter has used the concept of equivalent exchange to get what he wants. How daring, to so shamelessly and ruthtlessly weigh the already-extenguished lives of his parents against that of his blood-relatives and a teacher.

But regardless of daring, it was _honest_ and _sincere_. The respect still wasn't there, but this... _this_ is something he can work with... _work with for what?_

Voldemort stops this train of thought and frowns. He didn't start this exchange to find a common ground with Potter. He started it to unmask the identity of the person who dared to prank him so he could kill them, and then continued so as to get more information about the war from Potter. Yet, there was no reaction from his repeated reference to the prophecy, no reaction to death threats and such. Except to beg for the lives of 'loved ones'. And panic. He can extrapolate, from the structure of the sentence, ad the speed of the delivery, and the topic of the conversation, that Potter is panicking.

It doesn't matter much. The exchange is viable, and will put Potter and Voldemort on even grounds in terms of grudges and vengence. He can accept this.

Except, Potter's willingness to initiate an exchange with him for the lives of his muggle uncle and his DADA professor? Why? He could have told the Order. Why come to _him_?

He raises his mobile, and types the next exchange slowly.

> To My Prophecized Vanquisher,
> 
> If I understand your words correctly, you will give up the grudge you bear against me for the death of your parents and the resultant consequences it had on your life, in exchange for the life of your muggle uncle and your DADA professor. I'm curious. Your ruthlessness and willingness to do it, as well as *you* approaching *me* for it, instead of your precious *Order*, is rather perplexing.
> 
> Nevethless, I've decided to "take responsibility", as you put it. I will accept this exchange, as witnessed by Magic. Perhaps the memories I extract from the your *blood-kin* and *Dolores Umbridge* will enlighten me as to why you decided to take such drastic measure.
> 
> Do Not Forget your Price for my Actions.
> 
> In light of impending revelations, and the new ground we both will stand on, I also call for a more thorough dialogue to discuss your soon-to-be new position on the impending War. I expect the same honesty and sincerity you've shown me here, to continue henceforth.
> 
> Blessed by Magic,
> 
> The Dark Lord of Wizarding Britain
> 
> Lord Gaunt-Peverell, Heir Slytherin
> 
> Lord Voldemort

Vernon Dursley and Dolores Umbridge are found tortured and dead the next morning. Petunia Dursley is missing and Dudley Dursley, is on hold for interrogation with the muggle police.

Voldemort is _Not Amused_ with the memories found in the minds of the muggle couple and that bigoted filth that dares to call herself an educator. He has never been more disappointed in Albus Dumbledore. But then again, there's a reason he has been trying to kill the old bastard.

For as long as Albus Dumbledore lives, he will make his way to Hogwarts again and again. And Voldemort knows, _has lived through_, all the reasons why Albus Dumbledore should _never_ be allowed near a 10 mile radius of children.

But he has fulfilled his side of the exchange, and he waits for Harry Potter to contact him again. The boy has been silent since his last reply the previous night, and Voldemort is curious as to how he will take to the death of his abusers.


	13. Harry Potter

Harry couldn't sleep that night even if he'd tried, even if he wanted to. His heart was racing, his mind was reeling, and on top of all, he really couldn't try to sleep.

He was in the Room of Requirement at two in the morning, for once, not for a DA meeting. A replica of the Gryffindor Common Room housed Ron, Hermione and himself. They discussed the Weasleys going into hiding, Voldemort's kill list, and Dumbledore being missing. Knowing how bad he had it with the Ministry, he was probably trying to fix the whole mess from the shadows.

Umbridge was missing too.

When he read the Prophet the next morning, sleep-deprived and anxious, he understood why.

When he got a text from Tonks telling him about the Dursleys' fate, his blood ran as cold as ice.

Voldemort had been serious about this. And if he'd read their minds... where was aunt Petunia? Harry was panicking. He'd put off answering Voldemort's ominous texts, because it felt like he'd done a deal with the devil. Excusing himself from breakfast, he ran to the Room of Requirement, all appetite gone. His phone shook in his hands. No... no no...

_There lived a certain man in Russia long ago_

_He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow_

_Most people looked at him with terror and with fear_

_But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear_

He could do this. He had to. Harry opened his messaging app and tapped on Voldemort's conversation.

> > you did it
> 
> > i can't
> 
> > i can't believe you did it

_He could preach the bible like a preacher_

_Full of ecstasy and fire..._

Come on... get a grip, Harry...

> > i never agreed to let go of any grudges. they don't... they don't work that way
> 
> > it's impossible to forget some things. you of all people should know about grudges

_But he also was the kind of teacher_

_Women would desire._

"Ra, Ra, Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen..." Harry muttered to himself out loud, in a desperate attempt to quieten his panic. "There was a cat that really was gone..."

> > what exactly do you want
> 
> > there's always a catch with you, what did you mean about a new position? i never agreed to any of this


	14. Voldemort

It is his first message from the Boy Who Lived this morning, and already it's started on such a high note. The panic is palpable even through the small glass display, almost heady and heavy in the air, the taste lingering on the tip of his tongue.

It seems like Harry Potter has finally, _finally_ realized exactly what he asked for and it's cost.

Well, better sooner rather than later.

And as for any agreement issues, as well as what he _wants_ from him, Voldemort shall happily and swiftly disabuse him of any contrary notions.

> To my Prophecized Vanquisher,
> 
> I wonder why you're so surprised that I did, indeed, uphold my end of our exchange. We did agree upon it with Magic as our Witness. And if you doubted that I will let this 'golden' opportunity slip by me, then you surely underestimate me and place me at the same level as your schoolyard bully. Word of advice, I am a *Dark Lord*. I uphold all the exchanges I agree to.
> 
> As for your not so-called non-agreement to our exchange, Harry Potter, keep in mind that for magical contracts, non-refusal is the same as accepting the terms proposed by the other side. Since you were the one who proposed the initial terms of our exchange, asked me to "take responsibility", and then did not counter the offer I made, your actions are equivalent to a non-verbal agreement to my final proposal. Since it was witnessed by Magic, I suggest you do some introspection, some light reading for education, and come to terms with the fact that you agreed to forgive Lord Voldemort and forget the actions and consequences of your parent's untimely demise.
> 
> What do I want? Now that is a very vague question and has a broad range of possibilities. I want a lot of things, Harry Potter, and after the information I plied from the minds of your so-called 'blood-kin' and Umbridge? The list grows exponentially longer by the minute, *by the second*. But whether you *owe* it to me? No, you do not.
> 
> I am a Dark Lord, Harry Potter. And Dark Lord Voldemort stands by the terms of our exchange. I *Do Not* want *anything* from you for the death of Vernon Dursley and Dolores Umbridge. It has already been paid.
> 
> However, my actions and your price has opened new avenues for a relationship between us. The only reason you might have to continue to oppose me, was the death of your parents and the subsequent 14 years of hell you lived through with the *muggles*. Here, I would like to remind you that while I *did* play a central part in the demise of your parents, I was *not* the one who left you on the door steps of the Dursleys in the middle of a cold November night, barely 7 hours after your parents demise, 32 before the arrest of Sirius Black, 43 before Remus Lupin left the country, and 58 before Andromeda Tonks, Augusta Longbottom and Alphard Black put in an offer to adopt you into their household. He left you there, like an abandoned bottle of milk, with only a letter explaining your existence and a *squib* to observe your beloved family and deal with any potential accidental magic outbursts of a highly magical child.
> 
> Place your blame where it belongs, Harry Potter. And for what it's worth, I know exactly what you went through during those 14 years. To assuage any embarrassment over my discovering this information, let me reveal a secret of my own: I've lived through a similar experience. It is also the reason why I want Albus Dumbledore *dead*. For as long as that man lives, he will always return to, or influence, the castle in some form or another, and Hogwarts will *never* be safe for children.
> 
> The avenue I spoke about in the previous paragraph, is about new position in the war, and the potential paths for resolution it offers us. It opens an opportunity for discourse. Tell me, Harry Potter: Why do you fight? You are an underage child, and I have *never* targeted you unless it is you who have decided to cross my path first. What exactly do you want upon winning this conflict?
> 
> Indulge my curiosity, my Chosen One, and remember our agreement of honesty and sincerity.
> 
> Blessed by Magic,
> 
> The Dark Lord of Wizarding Britain
> 
> Lord Gaunt-Peverell, Heir Slytherin
> 
> Lord Voldemort
> 
> P.S - Rasputin is a good choice. Not a very agreeable fellow, all in all, but the poem is very well done as a piece of literature. Might I suggest you try William Wordsworth, Robert Frost or Emily Dickinson? They were my personal favorites during my own childhood. The lively, and descriptive nature of their works was a stark contrast, and distraction, from the reality of my own situation at that point of time.


	15. Harry Potter

Harry waited with bated breath as Voldemort typed. _Ra, Ra, Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine, it was a shame how he carried on..._

A magical contract. A magical fucking contract, over _phone texts_. He was supposed to... to _forgive_ the bastard for killing his parents, for...

Harry was shaken to the core when Voldemort typed exactly what he was thinking. Fourteen years of hell on earth. He read on as message after message appeared, his thoughts unbearably loud but his mind completely numb.

Perhaps it was the reason why, of all things, the last text was what his brain latched on to. A bloody post script. Over text.

> > it's not a poem
> 
> > rasputin, that is
> 
> > it's a song, from the 90s
> 
> > you... don't really have to text like you're writing a formal letter. just type

Harry sighed, running a hand through his messy hair and leaning against the wall. The Room had taken on the shape of his dorm. Home.

> > i knew you could read my mind
> 
> > as for the... contract, i honestly don't think i can forget. i don't know if i can forgive, but i can't forget
> 
> > ever
> 
> > if you're telling the truth, you'll understand why

He slipped down the wall and to the floor, slowly. It was so tempting to chuck his phone against the opposite wall and sleep the day away. He had Charms in twenty minutes.

Maybe McGonagall would let him skip it this once when she learned about the Dursleys and the Order contacted her. He doubted she had a phone

> > i honestly don't even know where to begin. are you messing with me?
> 
> > first things first, you went after my family for no sodding reason, and tried to kill a baby. that's... a whole new level of low
> 
> > if i'm a bloody chosen one, which apparently changes with the weather since right now i'm an attention-seeking brat according to the prophet, it's because you chose me
> 
> > did you really need a nemesis so badly? to pick one from birth and make him hate you since age eleven?
> 
> > you used quirrell to try to kill me. more than once. even a bloody MEMORY of you tried to kill me the year after that, but not before nearly getting the school closed forever
> 
> > then you put me through hell by rigging the tournament, kidnapped me, killed cedric, tortured me, tried to humilliate me in front of your death eaters, and tried to kill me. again.
> 
> > why on EARTH would i not fight back?!!! do you just expect me to roll over to the ground and take a killing curse to the chest?? when i learned i was a wizard i just wanted a place to belong, you RUINED that for me! it's just been war and death and i just bloody wish you'd leave people alone
> 
> > i'm not a chosen one. it was you chose to take this path and make everyone else miserable


	16. Voldemort

Voldemort blinked as he read the long line of messages rapidly appearing in his mailbox. He read each and every one of them and decided to address each concern with the honesty it was raised with.

> > Since you said I should just reply normally, I'm going to copy your format and use it as an example.
> 
> > A song from the 90s. Indeed, I see. Pardon me for my misunderstanding, for I was not exactly in a state to educate myself of worldly on-goings throughout the 80s and 90s. You might recall my disembodiment issue. Nevertheless, your point has been noted and I shall endeavor to rid myself to this short-coming at the earliest.
> 
> > It matters not if you can forget, Harry Potter, as long as you can forgive. The term for it, is moving on in life, and looking forward to the future rather than letting the past cast a shadow on your present. As long as you no longer consider the issue of your parent's demise as a counter-point against my views, I'm satisfied. I do not know exactly what the magic will consider as fulfilment of your pledge of exchange, but know that your forgiveness is enough to fulfil mine.
> 
> > Let us address the first issue: I did _not_ go after your family for no reason. I am a _Dark Lord_, not _insane_. There is a prophecy, that was made shortly before your birth that said "The One with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. Born to the ones who have thrice defied him, born as the Seventh Month dies...". That is all my spy was able to over hear. I'm surprise you did not know, for the prophecy was made to Albus Dumbledore during the Job Interview of Sybill Trelawney at the Hogs Head. At that time, I was very close to my goal. I had nearly won, and the word of a baby, no matter a newborn, that could vanquish me, had empowered the falling spirits of the opposition. I _had_ to make sure that this child did not undo _decades_ of my hard-work simply by virtue of its existence.
> 
> > There were only 2 children who fit the bill: You and Neville Longbottom. You are correct in that _I_ chose you as my nemesis, from the two available options. Because between you and Longbottom, it was obvious which one was the greater threat.
> 
> > I will apologize, if only for the fact that my actions have cause you harm. Harm of the type that I had swore I would stamp out of Wizarding Britain when I took over. It was one of the first items I pledged in our memorandum, you know? But the death of your parents is not something that solely I have a hand in. Yes, I held the wand that cast the curse. However, nothing was stopping your parents from waiting to have a child _after_ the war was over, or from running away from Britain when you were conceived, or from contacting me for an armistice. I _did _offer such to all parents, or soon-to-be parents during the War. There is a reason Molly Weasley nee Prewett was able to safely remain out of the war and raise her children during it with no harm or fowl.
> 
> > Rest assured about the prophecy. After your recent words, I have decided your words have merit and will ignore the prophecy. I have a condition for that, however. A vow, for you to not take actions to kill or oppose me. If opposing me is the only way forward, then you will agree to a talk to resolve our issues before going forward with any plans. Regardless of any conflicts between us, you will _NOT_ Vanquish, or kill, or harm myself, physically, mentally, spiritually and neither harm, delay or take actions to negatively delay my efforts.
> 
> > I'm a reasonable and merciful Dark Lord, Harry Potter, and am always willing to negotiate as long as your request is reasonable and we can engage in another equivalent exchange.
> 
> > Quirrell trying to kill you, for the Quidditch accident, was only to gauge if you have any mysterious _Vanquisher_ powers. You did not. Neither I, nor Quirrell, never attempted another attempt at your life. The unicorn incident was _you_ crossing _my_ path. So was the Philosopher's Stone incident. You are still alive, if you notice. An 11 year old, no matter how empowered by the effects of a prophecy, is no match for a decades old Dark Lord. You're alive, because I did not want to kill you. You are alive, because I let you live.
> 
> > As for the memory incident, I have no information nor recollection about it. Perhaps more details, so I can clarify that situation?
> 
> > Rigging the Triwizard Tournament, was because the Three Tasks were Ritualistic in Nature. I needed a new body, your blood, and a year-long Ritual (in which, your inclusion as a _champion _was necessary) and thus, the kidnapping. I couldn't just walk up to you and ask for your blood, could I? "Pretty please, just a chalice full of blood for a new body, Mister Potter?" Can you imagine my skinless homunculus walking up to you and asking after the Third Task? No? Neither can I.
> 
> > Cedric's death, while unfortunate, was also a necessity. The ritual requires only a set number of living bodies, and souls, for the duration of it's starting and ending. The Portkey was only supposed to be one way, and do you really expect me to entrust _Pettigrew_ to make a working illegal Portkey? There were also Magical Saturation Levels at the Ritual Site to be concerned about. Even if Pettigrew had the skill, making a Portkey would have made the Saturation Levels exceed the maximum acceptable level. As it is, we were already pushing the limits by the end.
> 
> > The torture and humiliation, was because I was angry. Can you _imagine_, having no body for more than a decade, wandering around as mere vapor and depending on the bodies of lesser creatures for momentary relief? I was drunk on power that night, high on Dark Magic, ecstatic by gaining a new body, relieved of the pain constantly haunting me, exultant to finally be able to eat, drink, walk and sleep. If you ask me, you got off lightly with a little torture. Did you deserve it? Not at all. Could I have stopped it? Again, not at all. Consider me, for lack of a better equivalent terminology, drunk on 1000 yr old Elf Wine, for that night. The fact that I did not _act_ drunk, is a matter of skilful acting on my part. I did not anticipate it, but neither could I have prevented it.
> 
> > And finally, NO. I do _NOT _expect you to roll over and die. Self-Defense is a Right I fully support and, in fact, consider to be more of a Duty than a Right.
> 
> > _I_ did not personally ruin, or act to ruin, anything for you. Blame the Wizarding public. Do you blame a butterfly beating its wings for the hurricane half-way across the globe? As such, do not blame me for how things turned out or escalated. I'm only responsible for my _own_ actions, not those of the rest of the public nor as to how they might react to mine or your decisions.
> 
> > And no matter if the prophecy is no longer in effect, Harry Potter, make no mistake, you _are_ a Chosen One. You are _My_ Chosen One. A Dark Lord's Choice is not to be taken lightly, Harry Potter. Even if the prophecy were null and void, you'd still be _A_ Chosen One, by the virtue of being _My_ Chosen One. The Dark Lord Voldemort's choice of a future equal. You will find, that it is no longer as big of a burden as before. We are no longer fighting a personal battle before of our earlier exchange, and are standing on the cusp of transformation. As long as you agree to the aforementioned vow, I shall ensure that you, and any other underage child or Hogwarts student, is no longer an active participant in the war. However, if we meet across the battlefield or they try to interfere in my works, then retaliation will not be stopped. You will no longer be _The Chosen One_ to vanquish the Dark Lord. It will not be your responsibility. It will a chance, an opportunity and an honor you should wear with your head held high.
> 
> > Do let me know if you have any more concerns.


	17. Harry Potter

> > excuse me there was a _what_ now?
> 
> > a prophecy? all of this because of a bloody _prophecy_?
> 
> > made by trelawney, no less?
> 
> > she predicts everyone's deaths on a daily basis! in each class she gets more and more creative, it's seriously bonkers
> 
> > i'd be worried if i were you if she _hadn't_ predicted your death

Wow, where had that come from? Harry's veins thrummed with adrenaline, anger, and the urge to rant. And he couldn't bloody well do it on Howler. When had he grown so... comfortable in the conversation to _vent out his frustration_? Still, he couldn't stop. For the life of him, he couldn't stop. His fingers shook for an entirely different reason, and he felt the strange impulse to walk straight into Voldemort's hideout and punch the man in the face.

> > you're unbelievable, you seriously are
> 
> > i
> 
> > i have no words
> 
> > you're really remorseless, aren't you?
> 
> > you honestly expect to logic everything away as if the reasoning behind what you do justifies it
> 
> > i'll tell you something. intent doesn't mean squat if your actions say otherwise

Harry was fuming. He gripped his phone so tightly he was almost afraid he'd crack the case.

> > your memory almost destroyed my home forever. a basilisk. a sodding _basilisk_ petrifying students left and right. guess who became the number one suspect? it was me
> 
> > because again, as you so clearly put it, i'm your chosen one, and that means saviour or dark lord in the making, no in between
> 
> > tell me, does the name tom riddle ring a bell?
> 
> > because he tried to kill me, shocker, i know. i was especially bamboozled when he told me about your little anagram. how could such a _kind and merciful lord_ try to kill me _again_?
> 
> > is almost getting the school closed, _again_, apparently, because he was so kind to share the memory of the first time it happened, your idea of keeping hogwarts safe?
> 
> > pretentiousness must run in the family, by the way. slytherin wasn't the greatest of the hogwarts four. he seriously made sure all his descendants would say that? what a twat


	18. Voldemort

Voldemort could feel his hands trembling, his blood rushing through his veins as he reach and every message one by one.

It was only by great self-restraint, that he manages to type the next words:

> > Sybill Trelawney is the descendent of Cassandra Trelawney, a celebrated Seer and Prophet of immense fame. It was only proper, to take the words of Sybill then, into consideration. And the fact that just days after the event, a new Prophecy was added to the Department of Mysteries only added to the fact. And it is not only I, but also Albus Dumbledore who believes in it. Why else would he have had the Order guard the Prophecy since the past 17 years? Even currently, there are Order members guarding.
> 
> > Nevertheless, as long as you take the vow outlined in my previous message, I believe we can negate it and we both shall be free from the chains of fate.

He types faster still, the words almost coming out in a fit of desperation to be a response to a message of mere exaggeration on the Chosen One's behalf.

> > Intent means more than you think in terms of magic, Harry Potter. In magic, Intent is more important than actions. What else, do you think, separates magic into such defined categories? It is _Intent_.
> 
> > That aside. Are you sure my memory, calling himself 'Tom Riddle' opened the Chamber of Secrets? Was it, perchance, in a small, blac leather diary? With T.M.Riddle engraved in golden lettering?
> 
> > Are you sure that the password consisted of the words, 'Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four'? Did you _listen_ to him speak it? Did you understand him? Are you, a Parselmouth?

He waits for a while for Potter to respond, but it is taking too long. His fingers tap the screen with impatience and he runs his fingers through his hair, gripping painfully.

"Dear Merlin, this is a nightmare. The implications are more than I can calculate." He curses. "Why did I ever think I could do this? Being a Dark Lord isn't worth all this tension, and effort and headache. I had Horcruxes already. Why did I accept this position from Magic, anyways? No matter the pretentious title Magic grants me, no matter that the mission is almost the same as my own personal goals." He almost throws his mobile against the wall.

"I could have done all of it without being a Dark Lord ages ago!!! These things should come with a warning attached. Why did no one ever warn me, 'Tom, being a Dark Lord is a thankless job. Don't do it'? Damn you, Abraxas!"

He watches, and waits, and hopes, for a reply on the contrary from Harry Potter, of all people.


	19. Harry Potter

Excellent. Bloody great. _Fan-fucking-fastic_. Yet another thing the Order was keeping from him.

He could still hear Hermione's desperate apologies ringing in his ears, saying that Dumbledore had made them promise not to write. _Where the hell was he now?_

> > look, to say that i don't trust you or your... dystopian idea of how wizarding britain should work, is the understatement of the century
> 
> > i can't just take vows willy-nilly, _you_ taught me that lesson yesterday. thank you _very_ much for that, by the way

Feeling vindictive, and almost the phantom echo of an apprehension that wasn't his own, Harry decided to elaborate.

> > it was a diary alright. possessed my friend ginny. the chamber is in the second floor's girls' bathroom, the password is 'open'. i'm surprised it wasn't something pretentious again
> 
> > should i send my regards to myrtle? i'm sure she'd be excited to hear about you. did you know that she haunted some other ravenclaw girl for years? i wonder what she'd do to her murderer

Harry shook his head, annoyed.

> > honestly i'm surprised you didn't know already. people made a huge deal out of it and i didn't even know what it _was_. i think i got some howlers. the regular kind, you know, by owl post
> 
> > they thought _i_ was the heir of slytherin, jesus...

He yawned, his sleepless night, the panic and the stress starting to take their toll on him. Charms must have already started by now. He should have told Ron and Hermione where he was..

> > and no, of course that wasn't the password
> 
> > you forgot "speak to me". "speak to me, slytherin, greatest of the hogwarts four". and then his statue opens his mouth and the bloody giant snake comes out
> 
> > .................
> 
> > funny how a snake comes out of his mouth
> 
> > doesnt really look like a tongue
> 
> > do you reckon it's a dick metaphor

Harry paused, blinking. His body felt heavy... and then he actually read what he'd sent.

> > fucj
> 
> > *fuck
> 
> > forget i sent that
> 
> > i'm tired and its doing weird things to my head


	20. Voldemort

Voldemort scrolled down the message and list and barely suppressed his own laughter. The news was grim indeed, but the humor made up for most of it.

> >Then don't trust my vows. Think upon it, ask others for reliable wording and suggestions. If you require a face-to-face meeting to decide upon the phrases, then that is also an acceptable option. I only ask that you think upon it. You no longer _have_ to be the Chosen One. You have a _choice_. One I would very much prefer you take.
> 
> >Thank you for the information regarding my Diary, Harry Potter. I assure you, that Diary was _not _meant to reach the hands of _anyone_, let alone what I think to be an 11 year old Weasley. Lucius and I will be having some strong _words_.

After-all, Abraxas was the initiator of this mess ages ago. His son didn't even have the courtesy to keep safe his very _Soul_, nor to be truthful or honest. And he absolutely _loathes_ lying, inefficient followers who don't even have the courage to admit to their faults. Oh, they will be having _more than words_!!

And similarly, he will definitely be having words with Severus. He was unsure in the beginning of _where_ his loyalties truly lay, not now he is sure. This attempted secrecy of this particular piece of information is not simply die to Dumbledore's effort. No, only a _Slytherin_, only _Severus_, could have concealed this so masterfully from his own eyes and ears. A more thorough search is required in his mind for Severus is his greatest student in Occlumency.

Severus Snape, he is now sure, is playing neither for Dumbledore, nor Voldemort, and nor for his own self. No, Severus's game is for the sake for Harry Potter alone.

_Or rather_, he grimaces, _for Lily Potter._

> >I was unaware of your talent in this regard, Potter. And of your success in opening the Chamber. Tell me, was that your first time in the Chamber? Did you open it by yourself or were you taken in by Tom Riddle at wand point?
> 
> >I would also like to apologize for the actions of my Diary, Potter. He is... temperamental, and rightly so. That, however, does not excuse his actions, and I can understand why the concept of Hogwarts closing down was such a terror.
> 
> >On that note, yes, I had similar thoughts. But then I found some of the Slytherin Family records down in the Chamber and it was actually Salazar's _grandson_, a Corvus Gaunt, who added the whole statue - mouth - snake entrance aestetic, and the password. It was simply a waterfall before that. Hence, I believe that the metaphor is actually a very real possibility. Descendents of great historical figures have a habit of getting into dick measuring contests due to a lack of self-worth. Just look at half the Slytherin house for an example. It was bad enough when _I_ was at Hogwarts, some 50 years ago. I shudder to think how worse it has gotten since then.
> 
> >Do not misunderstand. This is not a Slytherin House exclusive problem. I've been reliably told that the Smith Family is the worst offender in this category, priding themselves on being Helga Hufflepuff's direct descendents. Nevermind the fact that Hufflepuff had _15_ children and nearly three quarters of the current British Wizarding families are also descended from one of her children.


	21. Harry Potter

Harry grimaced. Who could he tell about a... goddamn _vow_ that would prevent him from hurting Voldemort in exchange for the safety of everyone under the age of seventeen? It sounded like...

It was madness, that's what it was.

> > hah, as if he could have. he looked like a ghost when i got there, he was killing ginny, draining her to make himself stronger
> 
> > no, i just put two and two together. myrtle died in that bathroom after seeing yellow eyes. there were snakes in the sink
> 
> > i asked it to open, and honestly i felt a bit stupid until it actually _did_

Harry closed his eyes for a second. He could still remember the basilisk poison spreading slowly through his arm, his strength leaving him, an intense _terror_ despite the triumph he felt over destroying the damn book...

When he opened them, he found Voldemort talking... about dicks. He blinked. The texts were still there.

> > did you say
> 
> > ..............oh my god
> 
> > SO THAT'S WHY WE NEVER SHARE THE SHOWERS OR THE LOCKERS WITH THE SLYTHERIN TEAM
> 
> > I THOUGHT IT WAS A HOUSE RIVALRY THING
> 
> > BLOODY HELL YOU'RE EVIL YOU JUST GAVE ME THE WORST MENTAL IMAGE
> 
> > MALFOY AND HIS CRONIES MEASURING THEMSELVES WITH A RULER KAJSGDSAJKHGFH I WANT TO OBLIVIATE MYSELF


	22. Voldemort

"It opened when he asked?" Voldemort muses even as the implications begin to dawn.

He begin to type, to confirm that this was not reality, but his worst nightmare -

> > Are you Sure? Absolutely sure –

And then paused. The question was meaningless. He knew the answer. It had been staring at him, right there in his face, since the beginning. He had just refused to see it.

He closed his eyes, and exhaled, even as something clicked into place in his already damned soul.

Only someone with Slytherin blood and the Parseltongue ability could open the Chamber.

Harry Potter opened it himself, without any help from his Diary. Meaning he had to be related to a descendant of Slytherin in some form or the other. Past Consorts and Bonded's of the Main Family had been able to open the Chamber too, if they were a Parselmouth, so it was not simply a matter of blood. And he'd know if he had married the Potter brat, by accident or not.

James Potter did not, in any way, shape or form, have Slytherin blood. They may share a common Peverell descendant, but that was it.

Lily Potter, on the other, did have distant Naga blood, from a Squib line gone dormant generations ago. He knew, for he always checked the complete genealogy of all people he personally intended to invite. Potter could have gotten his Parselmouth status from her. But even she was not descended from Slytherin. The Naga's and Slytherin's had never intermarried before.

There was only one way possible for Potter to have opened the Chamber.

"Oh Salazar." He mutters. "I didn't need this right now. Not after I'm finally so close to my goal."

He deletes the sentence he had half-typed before and takes a deep breath before launching into another.

> > I'm sure Severus will happily provide the Obliviation services for you. He is rather good at that. So are Slughorn, Sinistra and Septima. All Slytherins, you'll notice. Flitwick is a deft hand at it too, in case you wanted an unbiased caster. Also, statistically, most of the members of the Obliviator Squad are either Slytherins or Ravenclaws. Make of that what you will. But that is besides the point.

> >Potter, do you _know_ what my Diary was? Did Dumbledore ever tell you, or insinuate he knew? Did he ever tell you anything about the night you got your scar?

He pauses, before taking the plunge forwards. Regardless of what Dumbledore knows, what he has told Potter and what Potter has figured out all on his own, this was something he needed to know. Needed to be on look-out for.

> > Tell me, Harry Potter, have you ever heard the term "Horcruxes"?

And he hits 'Send' before he can change his mind.


	23. Harry Potter

Harry blinked as Voldemort started typing, only to erase whatever he was going to say.

He took a brief pause to tap on his Howler app and change his username. Fuck the toad seemed a bit insensitive now.

He’d gotten many replies to his howl from yesterday. His only followers were from the DA, mostly, and some other students he was pretty sure were not of the opinion he wasn’t wizard Lucifer. Some had guessed who he was, some hadn’t.

> @DAt_boi what happened
> 
> lol @DAt_boi that’s a mood
> 
> @DAt_boi UMBITCH IS MISSING OMG
> 
> @DAt_boi mate read the prophet bloody hell can I say karma yet or is it too soon tm?

He didn’t reply.

> _ **holy fuck @DAt_boi** _
> 
> this is the most surreal day in my entire life

He snapped a couple screenshots of people’s gleeful reactions to Umbridge’s death, blocked out all usernames with an editing tool, and went back to his conversation with Voldemort.

> > thanks for the offer but id rather have no one poking around in my mind thanks
> 
> > by the way i think you have fans now, people are singing your praises. might wanna consider killing off some of your followers too, keep doing the _lord’s work_, you know?

He sent Voldermort the Howler screenshots in which people were, indeed, lauding Umbridge’s murderer, saying their condolences to her cats and offering to adopt them because “the condolences are not for her death, poor things”, and similar pleasantries. The private accounts he followed were particularly vicious.

A quick succession of messages startled him.

> > erm, he said the obvious? that it was dangerous, probably cursed, and a simple memory couldn’t have done this
> 
> > he said hed investigate it further
> 
> > and also that some of your powers got transferred to me that night? whole lot of good that’s done me, sometimes people think i’m a mini-you or whatever
> 
> > its bonkers that’s what it is

Harry blinked at the question. Huh. He doubted he could Google that.

> > no, but it sounds like something an exorcist in a cheap horror movie would use. why? what’s that?


	24. Voldemort

Voldemort sighs, exasperated, as he reads through the images Potter has sent him. Really, people celebrate this level of violence, but _he_ is a bad guy? _He_ has no morals? Voldemort has _never_ celebrated the death of anyone other than the Riddles. It is just business for him, not something to be _celebrated_.

He shakes his head at the hypocrisy of sheeple before going back to the new messages Potter has sent and stills.

Dumbledore knows. Oh, he might not have known for sure until he got his hands on his Diary, but after that? _Now_, he definitely knows.

> > And you believed him? Do you really think transferring _power_ is something that can be done? If that was the case, then everyone would fighting and killing each other for the sake of becoming the next Merlin. If you _still_ didn't get it, then let me say it in blunt words: _Transferring Power is impossible, no matter if it is via a Killing Curse or not_.
> 
> > People think you're a mini-me?? That is a very idiotic term, but I get the meaning behind it. Even _I_ can tell you are nothing like me, Potter. We may have had similar upbringing and a common skill-set, but Personality is a much bigger part of a person's identity. We're different people. You can tell that to anyone who dares to say it to your face, that Lord Voldemort agrees My Chosen One is not a mini-me.
> 
> > The term Horcruxes is not related to exorcism, but it _is_ the reason behind the link between us. It is also the reason you were able to open the Chamber without being an Heir of Slytherin.

He pauses, trying to figure how to phrase the next sentence without causing panic. And then he shrugs, because really, there's no _nice_ way to phrase it.

> > Before starting this topic, I'd like to ask you be in a place with no one around and where no one can over-hear if you panic. I'll send the next message in half-an-hour or whenever you tell me you're alone.

He waits a while for the go-head from Potter, doing paperwork all the while. Texting with Harry Potter is no reason to get behind on his Dark Lord duties. He curses Abraxas again, for making him pick this occupation.

It takes a while for Potter to reply, but when he receives it, he launches into the next topic.

> > A Horcrux is a container wherein the caster stores a piece of their soul they've cut off from their own. This forms a tether between the 'Horcux' and the 'Caster', so upon physical death, the soul doesn't pass on. Rather, it uses the tether to remain in the physical realm.
> 
> > To enter the Chamber, one must be a blood or soul relative to someone from Slytherin's line and be a Parselmouth. Your Parselmouth abilities might come from Lily Potter, but neither of your parents were descendants of Slytherin. The only way you could have opened the Chamber, is if we were soul bound. I believe we would have been aware if the soul bond between us was because of marriage. No, Harry Potter, the soul bond between us is because of a Horcrux.

He takes a deep breath, fingers trembling, as he writes those dreaded 6 words.

> > You are my Horcrux, Harry Potter.

Somehow, seeing the words reflected back to him from the screen makes it all the more real.


	25. Harry Potter

Harry stared at the messages, feeling a strange sort of growing apprehension. He was about to make an Exorcist reference - as he'd finally gotten to watch the damn movie a couple months prior, and could understand the references now - but this... it came out of nowhere.

It came from his scar. It wasn't painful, it felt... cold to the touch. But it _also_ came from...

Bloody hell. He could feel it. It came from _Voldemort_. What was _he_ worried about? The ominous text didn't help either. He already _was_ in the Room of Requirement, he didn't need to move, but...

Some of the panic that flooded him started to feel like his own. He had to calm down. He had to... fuck, Harry, think, think...

_Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me,_

_I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed._

_She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb_

_in the shape of an L on her forehead..._

Yes. Good. All Star. Breathe, Potter, goddammit.

"Hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go play," Harry sang under his breath. He _did_ have to get his game on.

> > i'm alone

And oh boy. Oh boy did he _really_ need to be alone for this one. Good thinking, Voldemort, he thought. Fuck. Fuck _fuck_.

He completely lost track of All Star at some point during his third mental replay of the song, during the whistling solo, probably.

All that glitters is gold. Yeah, _what a load of tripe_. He would always associate All Star with this conversation, now.

He's a horcrux. _He's a horcrux_. Feeling his panic triplicate, he started sending a barrage of messages.

> > i
> 
> > WHAT????
> 
> > that's how you
> 
> > fuck thats how you came back innit
> 
> > and the diary was a part of your soul
> 
> > and your name really is tom riddle

He took a deep breath, his phone shaking in his hands. It didn't work. Of course it didn't fucking work.

> > does that mean I HAVE A YOUNGER YOU IN MY BLOODY HEAD????
> 
> > has he been possessing people??? AM I POSSESSED???
> 
> > VOLDEMORT WHAT THE FUCK
> 
> > AM I _REALLY_ A MINI YOU?????
> 
> > I'M PANICKING, I CAN TELL _YOU'RE_ PANICKING AND I CAN FEEL SOMETHING ELSE PANICKING TOO IS THAT YOUR SOUL WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Harry was going to lose his bloody mind, he was sure of it. It was a sodding _Monday_. He never asked for any of this, he never asked to be huddled up on the floor in the Room of Requirement in a replica of his dorm while texting with _Voldemort_ and bordering on the edge of hysteria.

> > congrats you just gave me both an identity and an existential crisis
> 
> > excellent dark lording work if i say so myself
> 
> > fuck. fuckfuckfuck
> 
> > i just
> 
> > i cant believe theres a sodding piece of your soul in me and it didnt try to possess me
> 
> > especially if
> 
> > uh
> 
> > say, voldemort
> 
> > how much of your soul was in that diary exactly


	26. Voldemort

Voldemort is distinctly aware of reading the barrage of text replies Potter sends, but the words do not take hold until he reaches: **[...] YOU'RE PANICKING AND [...]**. Because really, Dark Lords do not panic. He is a Dark Lord, thus, he is _not_ panicking. His mind is just over-working trying to process the information and its possible impact in his life.

He is Dark Lord Voldemort, and Dark Lord Voldemort _does not panic_.

Which is why he takes a deep breath, then another, and then another.

Really, theatrics is a necessary part of his image, and he's so good in the role that even in the privacy of his study, he is _still_ acting the role. That's all.

Minor crisis averted, he resumes reading the messages again. And then promptly snorts. Potter is really reacting dramatically.

> > The fact that you have to _ask_ me if you're possessed should make it clear that _you're not_.
> 
> > No, being my horcrux does _not_ make you a mini-me. Does an aluminium battery storing electricity make the battery the same as a live-wire AC supply? Of course it doesn't. Don't be ridiculous.

The comparison maybe muggle, but second thoughts after creating the Diary Horcrux had also given _him_ distinct existential crisis and Doppleganger paranoia. He has had decades of experience of philosophical debate to settle his own nerves. Might as well be the Merciful Lord that he is and put Potter out of his misery. Well, not figuratively because that'd be rather counter productive.

> > If you learnt Occlumency the traditional way instead of just trying to think about songs, music, poetry or whatever else banal subject you came up with, then you could have easily dealt with the panic and existential crisis just like I have. Be glad I decided to share with you my own coping mechanism to deal with it.

Potter's reference to his 'Dark lording work' feels like a stab at his own incompetence. He has been a Dark Lord for more than 5 decades, his work on-going since more than 3 decades. Grindlewald had conquered more than _half_ of Europe by this point and here he is, still unable to conquer even Britain.

Not that he wants to. The rest of Europe can go hang themselves. He's only concerned with changing this country, not the world. There's too much paperwork as it is.

> > And yes, I know I am the greatest Dark Lord of the century. I do not need your words of praise to satisfy my own non-existent need of self-justification.

And that is one curious question that Potter has raised. Unfortunaltely, he's only ever seen 2 living Horcruxes: Nagini and Potter. And two examples do not make for a proper population to draw a correct conclusion from.

> > As for my soul piece trying to possess you, I believe it's plenty happy and satisfied with the way you've taken care of it. As long as your actions don't threaten it's existence, it won't try to change the current arrangement. Or so I assume.

He reads the last question, and tries to think how best he can answer it. It is a difficult question, and there is no correct answer. In the end, he settles for what he believes is the truth.

> > While I am pleased by your concern about the state of my soul, I must ask, _how do you quantify a soul?_ If you find a way, do tell me too. Then I might be able to give you a concrete number about the percentage of my soul in the Diary.
> 
> > And that brings me to another point: There is no way to cut off the same amount of soul each and every time. The ritual of creating a Horcrux might demand the same sacrifice, _but_, how much of your soul you cut-off also depends on the personal value the sacrifice has to the Caster.

> > So, to conclude: I don't know.

And isn't that the unfortunate answer he's coming up with for a number of problems recently. A number greater than what he is comfortable with. A little deviation here, a little there, and the plan is completely off the rails. It induces another short <strike>panic</strike> self-reflection state, but he pushes it down vehemently. This is neither the time, nor the place to spend a while for introspection.

Instead, he turns the tables on Potter and asks,

> > I believe today is _Monday_, and unless Hogwarts has changed since last year, don't you have classes today? How come you can afford to spend time texting me on a school-day?
> 
> > Because it is OWLs year, Potter, and My Chosen One failing his OWLs would really be an insult I would not be able to bear.


	27. Harry Potter

> _> did you just_
> 
> _> mutilate your SOUL_
> 
> _> without knowing the specifics_
> 
> _> i_
> 
> _> i just_
> 
> _> you're bloody unbelievable is what you are_
> 
> _> shite, mione would have a field day with you, its the sort of thing she gets anal about_
> 
> _> the bloody details_
> 
> _> well uh, then_
> 
> _> i guess... my condolences?_
> 
> _> as in. i'm sorry for your loss. of you_
> 
> _> because you're an unknown percentage of dead right now_
> 
> _> do you need some time to mourn that unspeficied amount of yourself_

Well, maybe that was _kind_ of insensitive of him.

> > in my defence, it was
> 
> > well, uh
> 
> > _self defence_
> 
> > he tried to get the basilisk to kill me and it almost did
> 
> > did you know basilisk venom hurts like hell?
> 
> > also

Harry took a deep breath, trying to calm down. A Quidditch pitch, the air blowing sharply against his face, hundreds of feet between his broom and the ground. He was sleep-deprived. It was easier to be numb, but the panic lingered.

> > the last bloody thing in my mind right now is school, you've kinda made that very difficult
> 
> > consistently. over the years, actually
> 
> > i do appreciate how you and the diary always came along to fuck everything up at the very end of the year though, thanks for your concern over my goddamn education, its not like i had to worry about an impending attack or anything
> 
> > god _forbid_ i hide away for one (1) day when everything's turned upside down and hogwarts is in a state of chaos anyway because we're down a teacher

Running a hand through his hair and messing it up even further than it was, Harry sighed.

> > look ive had the exact amount of zero hours of sleep tonight and i'm tired and you freaking out so hard it's making my brain bounce in its skull is not helping
> 
> > can you calm down for 5 minutes
> 
> > fuck am i your therapist now
> 
> > do i have to call you tom
> 
> > are we there yet? have we reached that point already?


	28. Voldemort

"Well," Voldemort blinks, "that is surprisingly considerate of Potter."

Then he gets to replying, because he did not create Horcruxes as a form of self-mutilation. That'd just be a form of weakness, of hopelessness and defeatism and that is the complete opposite of his reasons behind their creation.

> > I did not create Horcruxes without knowing anything about them, Potter. And Horcruxes certainly don't mutilate the soul. Did you forget the part where I said they create a _tether_ to keep the soul bound to the physical plane after death? How could the Horcrux be cut-off from the main soul if it is able to create a tether? The soul pieces are still connected, and not mutilated, thank you very much.

> > Besides, I was very much in doubt that I would be able to continue returning to Hogwarts after summer breaks each year. So, I took steps to ensure I did. And I survived. And if I had to resort to Horcruxes, and immortality, to do so, then that simply means I'd have forever to pursue my life, goals and aspirations.

And then he scowls, because he recalls the things Dumbledore preaches about and is unable to stop himself from continuing,

> > A person who wants to live is more believeable than a person who simply accepts Death as some 'Next Great Adventure'. That person is Albus Dumbledore, in case you're wondering. Pretty hypocritical words from someone who apprenticed under Nikolas Flammel (who is more than 600 years old). If you really think it's an adventure, then why don't you say that to that alchemist?

He takes another deep breath and controls his wayward emotions yet again. The very thought, the idea, of the extent of Dumbledore's hypocrisy is enough to enrage him into another debate.

So, he moves on and replies to the next query.

> > Back to tethers. As all tethers connect the soul to the physical realm, so does the soul connect the horcruxe pieces too. In short, unless I die, the pieces of my soul won't move on. And I won't die unless all Horcruxes are destroyed. So while I appreciate your sentiment, your apologies are not needed. I just need to draw back that particular soul-piece in.
> 
> > And _never_ apologize for having to defend yourself, My Chosen One. It is your Right and your Duty to do so, and not simply because you are my horcrux. As a human, as _Harry Potter_, you can freely defend yourself as much as you wish.

He reads the excuses Potter makes and his next actions are to swiftly shoot them down.

> > While I agree that learning about being a Human Horcrux puts everything else on a lower priority, the shutdown of the classes due to the death of a teacher is no reason to slack off.
> 
> > OWLs are important. They determine what courses you will take for NEWTs, which in turn determine the number of career options available after graduation. Unless you want to spend your life living off the Family fortune, and waste it away so your descendants can curse your name for leaving them penniless, then you'd better start focusing on them.

Potter's concern is... touching. No one else has ever been concerned about him before. It is kind of... refreshing. He ignores the way light spreads through his veins and the room feels brighter, the day less hopeless, and replies back nonchalantly.

> > If you have trouble sleeping, then maybe get a Draught of Dreamless Sleep from the Infirmary? The death of a teacher is sufficient excuse for a student to be traumatized, scared and requiring assistance for falling asleep.
> 
> > And I am calm, Potter. I am the Dark Lord Voldemort. I do _not_ panic.

And he starts replying before he notices what he exactly Potter is asking him, and his fingers slip.

> > As for calling me

He tries to refuse, firmly,

> > Do not

\- but he stops. He asked for honesty and sincerity from Potter and His Chosen One deserves some truth in turn too.

> > I have not been Tom Riddle for quite some time now, Harry Potter.

He tries to explain, because this is one subject in which Harry Potter might be able to understand him better than his followers ever did. And he is sure Potter won't mock his efforts like Dumbledore does every time they meet, calling him by that wretched name in that saccharine, disappointed tone, looking down and never seeing _him_, never even _trying_ to _understand_, that old _blind bigoted fool_ -

> > That name, may be the one on my birth certificate and Ministry records but Potter, how would you like if I call you 'boy'?
> 
> > That name, is baggage. It is _mine_, yet I haven't been _it_ for a very long time.
> 
> > I will not recommend it, but since when have you let that stop you?

He stops, and considers his next words carefully. He isn't sure what he is expecting Potter to reply, but he asks the question nontheless.

> > Harry Potter, might I call you Harry? Are we there yet?


	29. Harry Potter

Harry chewed on his lip, considering. It looked like Voldemort was _terrified_ of death, and it felt almost... foreign, to him. There was a time when he'd been like that, in constant survival mode, back when he didn't know he was a wizard. But after that...

> > i mean
> 
> > it's not an adventure, but
> 
> > i dunno, it just _is_
> 
> > when you don't have that many things to live for other than stopping a regime of terror, it doesnt sound scary, not that bad at all
> 
> > wait
> 
> > if i had to kill you i would have to die wouldnt i
> 
> > i probably would have done it
> 
> > immortality sounds depressing, watching everyone you care about grow old and die
> 
> > ..............
> 
> > i can't feel any freaking out on this end, guess your soul isn't that opposed to it either
> 
> > talk about self-loathing. you should make a howler account
> 
> > we all hate ourselves in there and vent about things, it's pretty cathartic

...what was he even saying? Voldemort on Howler.wiz, posting memes. Okay, that was _kind_ of funny to his sleep-deprived brain.

> > guess whose's fault it is that i never made many plans for the future
> 
> > did you honestly think i expected to survive? i have a dark lord on my arse with many decades of experience on me obsessed with killing me since before my birth, and you _seriously_ think i would make future plans instead of focusing on the moment, while i haven't kicked it yet?
> 
> > you tried to kill me when i was a baby, and then when i was _eleven_, and then the diary, and then last year. luck only goes so far you know
> 
> > what did you even expect?

Harry froze, the panic distinctly his own. He had meant the question mainly as a joke, but. Right. Voldemort knew about... about _everything_. He'd read uncle Vernon's mind.

_He'd read uncle Vernon's mind_. It hadn't fully sunk in until now. Every beating, every wretched lie, the name-calling, the hard labour, being forced to underperform at school, the _sharp_, sharp pang of hunger, the darkness of the cupboard and approaching steps...

_Get up, boy!_

Harry didn't realise he hadn't been breathing until his lungs burned. He gulped down several lungfuls of air, trying to calm down. His fingers trembled uncontrollably.

> > yeah dont
> 
> > dont call me that
> 
> > ever
> 
> > only two people can make it sound nice and one of them is seriously starting to piss me off

Yes, when Dumbledore called him 'my boy' it never failed to make him feel a bit safer, calmer. Like he'd always be there for him, a mentor figure. _But where the hell was he now?_

Mrs. Weasley mostly called him Harry or terms of endearment, but sometimes they included the word 'boy' in it, and they didn't sound like a cheese grater against his ears. She doted on him like a son, and he was grateful for that.

But Voldemort? No way.

> > i don't even care as long as it's. not that
> 
> > also using my full name all the time feels weird
> 
> > everyone does that, you sound like a first year trying to ask for my autograph for something i don't even remember doing, and i didn't even do
> 
> > it feels weird to take credit when apparently it was all my mums work
> 
> > are you sure she wasnt the chosen one


	30. Voldemort

Voldemort sighs as read Potter's message. Once upon a time, he might said _anything_ was better than death, but after spending more than a decade as mere vapor, surviving by preying on lesser beings, he can say he would rather die than spend a decade more in that from.

.... Not.

No, being alive in any way, shape or form is always better than dying because of helplessness or giving up.

Because as long as he is alive, there's always a chance to return to fairer fates.

He is powerful enough, resourceful enough, cunning enough, knowledgeable enough, intelligent enough, _magical enough_, to always, _always_ be able to get back up and make his way to the top of the pile. Whether it is a pile of bones, ashes or bodies, dead or alive, kind or cruel, it matters not.

_He will never be Tom Riddle again. Never that weak, helpless, orphan who was pushed down, belittled, insulted and hated for his mere existence. He is Lord Voldemort. He is_ better _than the rest._

_The Very Best._

No, the reason Potter thinks he, or his Horcrux, is filled with self-loathing is because the Dark Lord business is taking too much time. He has better things to do with his eternity than be a _Dark Lord_ forever.

It's all Abraxas's fault, and he tells Potter so.

> > The reason I'm second-guessing Death, as you felt, is not because of self-loathing. It is because being a Dark Lord is making it difficult for me to achieve my goal. I'd have finished restructuring Wizarding Britain by now if I _wasn't_ a Dark Lord.
> 
> > In the end, it's not like it matters, for I have an eternity and only need to wait for my opposition to die out before myself. It would have been much easier if the shackles of time imposed on me by being a Dark Lord did not make it a priority to finish this as soon as possible.
> 
> > Hence, I conclude it is all the fault of Abraxas Malfoy. He was the one who convinced me to take upon the mantle of Dark Lord in exchange for Slytherin support of my goals and movement.

Because spending an immortality alone, watching others die, is not as lonely as he'd first thought. He _did_ see Abraxas, Theonel, Orion, and many others die in front of him, before their time even.

Eternity... might be long. But he is sure that as long as he has a goal, the ennui won't eat him alive.

.... And sooner or later, some other Wizard or Witch would also pursue immortality. Then, *then* he will at least have ambitious, intelligent company to make things interesting

But first -

> > Since when do Howler's require an account? I thought you just enchanted your message, and sent it with any owl?

On that note, Potter really likes blaming him for each and every slight or bleak spot in his life. Really, the one who needs therapy here is _Potter_, not him.

> > And why did constant Death threats make you unable to plan for the future?
> 
> > I am not shouldering this blame.
> 
> > Even children who have lived through bombings in the war, every forcefully drafted teen, even every new-born babe, do not let the fear of death stop their hopes, and plans for the future.
> 
> > Who is really the one who fears Death? He who gives up hope for the future in face of it? Or He who does his best to live and never face Death again?

And then he sighs yet again, because of course Potter would totally miss the point he's making when he compares calling Voldemort 'Tom' to calling Potter, no _Harry_, as 'boy'.

> > Rest assured I will never call you boy. I know better than that. But think, would I like being called 'Tom' when you yourself loathe being called 'boy'?

Lily Potter as the Chosen One? He is very sure she isn't. Because it was _Voldemort_ who did the choosing, not anyone else. Naming Harry as the Chosen One is his and his choice alone. Not that of the Prophecy, not Dumbledore and certainly not the public and Potter.

> > Lily Potter was not the Chosen One. _You_ are. Because I was the one who did the choosing and _I_ chose _you_.

And then tilts his head in thought, for he is sure they have likely ran out of things to talk about. He has covered Horcruxes, Dumbledore, Names and maybe a few other topics.

Well, till now, they have mostly been talking about him and his Horcruxes. That is pretty selfish of him as a conversation partner.

> > Is there anything in specific you would like to talk about, Harry? Anything you want to ask me? Anything you want to know?


	31. Harry Potter

> > of course it all comes down to a malfoy. fuck the malfoys
> 
> > wow i can't believe we actually agree on something for once

The Boy Who Lived and Lord Voldemort bonding over a mutual hatred for the Malfoys. Today _really_ was the most surreal day of his life.

> > wait
> 
> > i dont mean howlers
> 
> > i meant Howler, as in, with the capital H
> 
> > you know, howler.wiz? the social media?
> 
> > .............did you think i was talking about literal howlers all this time?
> 
> > .............................

He couldn't help it. Harry stumbled headfirst straight into a giggle fit. Maybe he _was_ going into hysterics. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation.

> > damn voldemort i really needed that laugh
> 
> > now you definitely need to make an account and discover the world of memes
> 
> > this is like watching a baby bird taking its first steps on a branch ready to fly away wow
> 
> > also i don't understand where you're getting at, i don't fear death
> 
> > i guess i'm worried about the consequences? like what'll happen to those still alive, that's important
> 
> > but for me? i just kinda accept it, i honestly didn't expect to have survived this long, let alone long enough to get a job?? and again you've been making it pretty difficult to think about it

Harry huffed, a bit frustrated. He _knew_ the point Voldemort was trying to make. He wasn't a complete dunce.

> > i won't call you that, jesus you really are paranoid
> 
> > you made it obvious enough, it's not rocket science and thinking about this kind of stuff is always painful

Voldemort was in a chatty mood, however. Harry wasn't sure if he had enough brainpower at the moment to ask his long laundry list of questions.

> > uhhh there's lots of things actually
> 
> > okay wow i never expected a chance to ask all this stuff because no one bloody tells me anything but
> 
> > yeah
> 
> >
> 
>   1. what the HECK does being a dark lord mean???? you act like it's an important title with duties and the whole... anointed by magic business. what. what the hell is that. everyone so far has acted like it's just a pretentious euphemism for 'dictator wannabe'
>   2. i dont think i want to know this but what would your creepy-sounding, _definitely_ dystopian restructuring of britain be about? what would you change?
>   3. seriously WHAT'S UP WITH THE SNAKE LOOK?????? why did you feel the need to go and do... that! i know youre the heir of slytherin and a parselmouth and snakes are your whole thing but do you seriously want to become a snake??? there was nothing wrong with what you looked like before. seriously. not a single thing. not one. why. why did you do that. why turn yourself into a skeleton when you could look like a calvin klein model. why, just why

Harry yawned, blearily staring at the screen. Yep, everything he'd written was perfectly normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Yeah...

Oh boy, was he exhausted. He wanted to faceplant against the floor.


	32. Voldemort

Voldemort laughs softly. For once, him and Harry agree on something.

> > Yes. It is _always_ the fault of some Malfoy for another. I'll drink to that. Because our current situation cannot be taken seriously if one is not drunk.

He _does_ summon a glass and a bottle of Ogden's Finest to drink to the occasion. The hard part of their conversation is over and done with, for he cannot think of _any_ topic more difficult to breach than Horcruxes.

He scrolls down and reads the next message. There are Howler's one can send through social media?? Wait, Howler is the _name_ of the website.

He goes to his application list and searches and sure enough, there it is. An application with a red, steaming envelope and a capital H laid over it.

> > Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I found the application you speak of in my application list and shall certainly make an account. If this is the platform the current generation uses to talk and communicate, then it is certainly important for me to analyze the posts and get a general idea about the current scenario.

And well, he is certainly glad Harry got the point because he is _never_ going to speak of this again. And not going to reply to this part of the message either.

> > There are certain conditions that must be fulfilled to quality as a Lord of Magic. They vary, from person to person, alignment to slignment. There are Dark, Light, Grey and Black Lords of Magic. Dark and Light Lords are responsible to further the ideology of their chosen form of Magic, and their creatures. To give an example, consider religion. The only factor that differentiates them, is their chosen alignment and methods. Light Lords choose the Greater Good and Forgiveness and Repentence. Dark Lords _also_ choose the Greater Good, but they use Punishment and Mercy. It is a matter of *how* and their alignment rather than a matter of ideology and philosophy.
> 
> > Grey Lords focus on Creature Rights, or Magical Beings related work.
> 
> > Black Lords focus on what is termed as Forbidden or Black Magic. Necromancy, Life, Death, Soul and such. Their focus is on research and study, to push the boundaries and seek enlightenment.
> 
> > As you will notice, this means that being a Lord of Magic is, naturally, a title given by Magic. When you accept being a Lord, you also accept a set of tasks and responsibilities. Most, if not all, come with some sort of constraints. For me, who is immortal, the constraint is time.
> 
> > Which is why when I say I have been anointed by Magic, I mean it. Magic has deemed me powerful enough, my goals worth supporting and ideology worth pursuing, to be a Dark Lord. I suppose it will make more sense if I liken it to be a Champion being chosen by the Goblet of Fire. Except the candidate in question has the option to refuse.

He takes swallows yet another mouthful and refills his glass. Passion does tend to leave one's mouth dry.

> > As for what I would like to change, complete segragation, for once. Maybe moving away to another planet or dimension. If Kaguya Monogatari can move her entire fiefdom to the moon, then surely I can find another planet for us to go to.
> 
> > Until then, increased security for magical children. Orphanages, libraries and public funds for their usage.
> 
> > A reigniting of _passion_ within the researchers of our world. Do you know it has been more than a decade since a new spell, doesn't matter Dark or Light, has been invented in Magical Britain? Rituals have not been modified since the last 3 _centuries_. Our world is stagnating, Harry, and if war and dictatorship is what it takes to get the wheel moving, then so be it.
> 
> > Establishment of a functioning governement and some _standards_ for everything!! Do you know there are no set standards for the education system, shops, restaurants, books and even _newspapers_?!! The only thing that has pre-established _standards_ is the currency which is under the perview of the Goblins!! And even then, the last change in currency standards was the weight of Galleon, which was decreased by a milligram because of decreasing gold resources and that was 5 centuries ago!!
> 
> > Also, early introduction of Wizading children as well as complusory education till the NEWTs. A wand is not a toy. It is many times more dangerous than a muggle gun and to let a someone with only an OWL roam freely with a _wand_? That's insanity, right there!!
> 
> > Also a child care system. Have I mentioned that before?

Voldemort just might be repeating himself at this point, but he is not sure whether it is because of his passion or the half-empty Ogden's Finest bottle sitting next to him.

> > As for my snake look

He takes a hold of the glass, fills it 2 fingers deep and swallows it in one gulp. The mere _memory_ of that form cannot be tolerated without the haze of alcohol.

> > Who says I look like that anymore?
> 
> > You clearly haven't used our connection to sneak a peak in quite some while.
> 
> > I'm a Dark Lord, and am fully aware we can catch more flies with honey than vinegar
> 
> > And while I certainly _despise_ flies - horrid, _horrid_ creatures that they are - I need to ensnare them even more so to finally be done with this!!
> 
> > Besides, that made me look more like Nagini's son than myself. I'm certainly _not_ Nagini's son, thank you very much.
> 
> > For a newborn, looks depend on soul, soul depends on self, and self depends on self-image. As a drunk-on-Dark-Ritual-Magic, how did you expect me to focus enough for my body to take the look of my soul?
> 
> > Needless to say, as soon as the high went down, I managed to focus enough on self to allow my soul to shape my body.
> 
> > Your appreciation of my old looks, which I assume you gleamed from my Diary, is noticed. And appreciated. I would never not mind more.
> 
> > Though I'm certainly glad you look more like Lily Evans than James Potter.
> 
> > The Naga blood truly shines through in your eyes.


	33. Harry Potter

Harry raised an eyebrow. Voldemort drunk. Huh, that was a weird thing to imagine, maybe because it made him look more... _human_.

> > cheers then, it's a shame i cant

His fingers paused right after he hit send. No... what the hell? He was in the Room of Requirement. Maybe it could summon things from the kitchens?

_I'd like... not butterbeer. Something that'll wake me up a little? Firewhiskey. Yeah, firewhiskey._

> > nevermind that, apparently i can, wow
> 
> > i'll remember this trick for later

Because there was indeed a bottle of firewhiskey in front of him. Seamus was going to pledge his undying love for him if Harry ever told him. He'd never tried the stuff before, so after opening it, he took a tentative sip.

_Bloody hell_! Now he understood the fire part. It burned all the way through his throat and settled like molten lava in his stomach. Harry could swear he saw _smoke_ coming out of his mouth. Well, he was wide awake now. Sweet Merlin, this was _strong_.

> > you'll find memes and a whole bunch of people asking you to kill them in an ironic way, mostly ravenclaws because they overstress
> 
> > but thats because youre not in there, if they find their pings of @YouKnowWho to turn blue with a new account you bet its gonna get wild

Harry read attentively as he tried to get used to the sharp tang of the liquor. Magic... was a sentient being? And the methods... no, Harry could never see himself being a Lord. There seemed to be very neat little boxes someone had to fit in.

> > uh, are there other lords in britain? a light lord? a black lord? we could really use a grey lord
> 
> > or more like a grey _lady_. i know someone who wouldnt hesitate at the chance, has leadership skills in spades, and shes the smartest witch i know
> 
> > shite, if shed been a bloody chosen one i bet youd have been dead by now. no offence, just trying to illustrate a ponit
> 
> > *point
> 
> > note to self, and to you, dont drink on an empty stomach

Harry blinked owlishly at the reforms. Wow.

> > honestly it doesnt sound half bad, are you serious or just throwing propaganda at me?
> 
> > the segregation thing though...
> 
> > say what you want about muggles but technology is amazing. youre literally using a device inspired by muggle technology, theyre innovative and theres lots of things we can learn from them
> 
> > and also would you really separate kids from parents who actually love them?

He had to bite back a jab at how he already _had_ separated a kid from parents who loved him, but no. Magical contract, magical contract.

> > but the rest of it sounds amazing actually
> 
> > what's the catch? because there _has_ to be a catch, or people would be throwing themselves all over you

Harry paused to drink. The warmth was starting to settle as a dark flush on his cheeks, he could feel it.

> > or, have you ever considered that the reason why we fight you is _because_ of the war and dictatorship?
> 
> > thats why i do at least
> 
> > shite if youd made your goals clear from the beginning i would have _voted_ for you
> 
> > if it wasn't for the war and dictatorship thing. and the segregation thing. and the pureblood supremacy thing
> 
> > i mean why pureblood supremacy, youre a halfblood, isnt that just shooting yourself in the foot? its bollocks
> 
> > would you put people like malfoy in power just because he was born as a rich prat and has more than two generations of magical parents? and not people like my friend who i just told you about who i'm _totally_ going to tell about the grey lordship thing, just because her parents are muggles?
> 
> > who i'm sure would love and support her if she does it?

Taking a deep swig from the bottle, Harry exhaled a plume of smoke, and felt like a dragon for a second. He would always remember Malfoy, good-for-nothing Malfoy, calling Hermione a mudblood. He was starting to get angry just thinking about it, and the firewhiskey didn't help.

He sputtered when he read the next messages he'd missed while he raged, however.

Voldemort didn't look like that anymore? And he... said he appreciated. His appreciation. If Harry was a bit hot under the collar, it was the firewhiskey, yeah. Just the firewhiskey.

> > wow youre
> 
> > the first person to ever say that actually
> 
> > it's always "oh look at him, harry potter, you look like your father but you have your mother's eyes"
> 
> > or in snape's case, i think he's just a tantrum short of calling me james
> 
> > you really think my mum had naga blood? what does it have to do with eyes?


	34. Voldemort

Voldemort raises a brow. Well, it seems like Harry _can_ get a drink at whichever location he found to be isolated in. And considering the day, and time, and apparent isolation, was it the Room of Requirement?

Once upon a time, having Harry Potter and his Horcrux in the same room would have made him equal parts angry and fearful.

Now?

He was only wondering whether he should introduce Harry to his Diadem.

Maybe later?? Because in his steadily growing drunken haze, he was more curious about...

> > What are you drinking, Harry? Hopefully something stronger than a butterbeer.

And oh? Ravenclaws wanting to kill themselves in an ironic way? There was a to die ironically? Did they all have an allergy to iron?? No, that can't be it.

And then it struck him. It was a modern slang! A figure of speech, about the difficulties of life and how it might be better to die.

Well, it's not like it's any of his business.

> > I shall keep that in mind when I browser Howler. Sometimes later, perhaps.

As for other Lords of Magic in Britain...

> > I've never been quite certain whether Dumbledore is a Light Lord or not. His grudge against all things dark and stigmatized might originate from that, I think. He does have the Forgiveness and Repentance part down pat. But then, I drop the suspicion because one of the factors leading to attaining a Lord-ship is the realization of the importance of Balance. And Dumbledore's extreme Light-centric propaganda doesn't sound like balance to me.
> 
> > And yes, you're right. Looking at the current state of Magical Britain, unless things change drastically, we are due a Grey Lord or Lady any decade now.

But he reads through the next messages and feels his heart drop. There is someone who Harry holds in such high regards? How come he never knew before? How come no-one knows there's a person with such potential at Hogwarts?

> > I'm curious, Harry, who is this woman you hold in such high regard? Higher than Dumbledore even.

Harry's comments about his reforms also made him pause.

> > Yes, I'm quite serious.
> 
> > Who said anything about separating parents from children? A Muggleborn child's parents are considered squibs, at the very least. That is the reason used on paper as to why they're allowed the knowledge of the Magical World. We'd rather bring the whole family in, give them a place to live, and some job that they'd be suited for. A much easier way to keep an eye on muggleborn children and families, no?
> 
> > This also makes it easier to spot cases like ours.
> 
> > And the reason people aren't throwing themselves all over my cause, is two fold. First, is Dumbledore and his 'Dark purebloods are bad and have evil intentions' brainwashing. He has an entire school he teaches those ideals to, if not through his words then through his actions. The Second reason, is Abraxas Malfoy. When I first took up being a Dark Lord, I only handed him what my minimum requirements of the manifesto are. The rest, were made up by him and the rest to fill up the minimum word count.
> 
> > In short, they're utter rubbish. Apparently, it's not just authors who get paid by word count who resort to filler and useless information just to get more money.

And really, dictatorship? War?

> > I already mentioned I'm on a time-limit here. The fastest way to go aboutcompleting my task as the Dark Lord was to simply conquer Wizarding Britain and change it as a ruler. Because historically, it takes more than a *century* to bring about any concrete, complete change. In fact, Dark Lady Mellisandre, who was a Hufflepuff by the way, ruled Wizarding Britain as both Minister of Magic and Chief of Wizengamot from 1107 - 1187 AD and then was succeeded by her apprentice Dark Lord Heathcliff, who also ruled due to power gained by being the Minister and Chief, from 1188 - 1240 and during their entire tenure, they were only able to implement one, and only _one_ reform: The right for Kneazles to live uncaged, unhunted and be familiars. It was not even the reform they were tasked by Magic to implement!!

> > I'd rather my task finish this side of the century, thanks.
> 
> > As for pureblood supremacy, please point your fingers at Abraxas Malfoy. Again, they used some rather asinine bullshite to pad the words of the manifesto.
> 
> > As soon as I realized what had been done, I did release a revised, improved edition later on, without all the extraneous details, but by then, the damage had been done and Dumbledore's campaign regarding "Voldemort is evil, dark, pureblood supremacist and wants to kill us all." was already on in full swing.

Voldemort furrowed his brow and then nearly dropped his mobile in horror. Malfoy in power? _Malfoy_ in _power_?!!!

> > Dear Merlin! I'd _never_ put a Malfoy in power. What is wrong with you? Rest assured I'd never put Mafoy in power. The only power they possess is what Abraxas left to them upon his deathbed. I only humor them in memory of Abraxas.
> 
> > This is the third time you're mentioning this friend of yours. I'm curious about her. Do tell me more. Because if she really is as wonderful as to have _you_, _Harry Potter_ support her, then I'm sure her ideas must have some merit.

And any idiot with eyes could see how much Harry looks like his mother. While the messy hair is indeed an eye-catching Potter detail, the softness of those features, the determined look in those green eyes and the way he carries himself is the same as that of Lily Evans when he had attempted to recruit her all those years ago.

> > Yes, you _do_ look like your mother. I tried to recruit her, you know? And I do not try to recruit just about _anyone_ personally. I'm examined her enough to tell you that you certainly look more like her than your father. Ignore Snape, he's just bitter. The only thing you have in common with him, is the Potter hair and your glasses.
> 
> > They look ugly. Why haven't you least bought a new frame for them? Your eye sight would be better visible in a completely different frame for your glasses.
> 
> > Your eyes are a unique shade of green. Yes, just like your mother's but in my opinion, even brighter. Malfoy's are all blonde, Black's all have pitch black, curly hair, Potter's ave messy hair, Ollivander's eyes are silver and Naga's have very unique eyes, almost cat-like in color and shape.
> 
> > Yours certainly fit the profile. Bright green and almond shaped, very unique and prettier still.
> 
> > Very much like a Naga's, and even prettier still, don't you think?


	35. Harry Potter

> > its firewhiskey
> 
> > i didnt know it made you breathe smoke
> 
> > liek a dragon
> 
> > *liek
> 
> > goddammit
> 
> > *like
> 
> > there, stupid phone
> 
> > you made me fight a dragon once, that was such bullshit

Maybe he should put down the bottle for a bit. He had to squint to read the blurring text on the screen.

> > still the problem of not having a clue of what muggles are up to
> 
> > apparently people in howler really want to keep up with the kardashians
> 
> > i dunno who they are, never watch the telly much
> 
> > but really, war and death are just pushing the dark wizards are evil thing
> 
> > people are right in fighting you because youre just killing your way to the top arent you
> 
> > someone will always fight you on this because no one likes dictators and they don't like living in fear, the opposition will never die out
> 
> > theres always gonna be rebellion if you dont clean up your act
> 
> > you could, i dunno
> 
> > post selfies in howler
> 
> > publish a nude calendar with the manifesto written in every month, think about this, its a brilliant idea

Harry snickered, the smoke fogging up the screen. He _would_ buy one, at least.

> > oh well shes only the person who's saved my arse countless times, figured out the thing killing people was a basilisk, convinced me to start a secret dada group to go against umbridge and secured it with some spells i dont even _know_, and one of my two best friends in the whole world???
> 
> > started something for house elf rights this year but no ones taking her seriously
> 
> > shes the brains in the group really. i mean rons very intuitive and brilliant at strategy but hes also impulsive and can jump into things he regrets very quickly
> 
> > kinda like you actually
> 
> > and you both also hate the malfoys
> 
> > i can see friendship potential there

Okay, he was _definitely_ drunk now. Harry couldn't stop sniggering, forgetting about his self-imposed promise to stop drinking, and taking another swig.

> > you tried to recruit her??? wow
> 
> > also excuse you??? theyre not ugly theyre _vintage_
> 
> > and by that i mean, ive always had them
> 
> > ever wonder why i was squinting both times we met? at least stand closer when trying to kill me, jesus

Harry nearly spat out his firewhiskey, however, at... was that _praise_? Was he... flirting?

He was burning up. It had to be the alcohol, but he felt like he'd just stepped into a bonfire.

> > you like my eyes?


	36. Voldemort

Voldemort laughs out loud at the number of misspellings and shook his head.

"Really. Hopeless. How -" he stops, because the next word is really not something he has ever thought about Harry before. He must be even more drunk than he thought.

Because he doesn't believe he would have ever thought about Harry Potter being _adorable_ if he was in his right state of mind.

A quick sobering charm takes care of it, and rubs his eyes.

"Time to move onto the next one." He murmurs and continues reading, willing himself to forget all about what his slightly-drunk self had written in a haze of alcohol.

> > Having a clue about what muggles are up to is the duty of the Muggle Relations Department. What else do we pay them for? If I manage total segregassion, then sepending on how I do it, we would need only one department to keep track of muggles or forget they ever existed at all. Atlantis needs to keep track of Muggle Aquatic Movements. However, the Phoenix colony up on Sun and Sirius doesn't need to.

While Potter has a fair point about killing one's way to the top being a bad way to ensure control and prevent rebellions, it's not like he has a choice.

> > If you have a better way in mind about ensuring a quick, easy take-over of Wizarding Britain with Dumbledore's propaganda and stubborn Light Wizards refusing to believe Change is Possible, then you're welcome to suggest it.
> 
> > As it is, currently I can only hope to take over quickly, decrease bloodshed and beat the required changes and ideals into the minds of these idiotic sheeple that call themselves Wizards and Witches of Wizarding Britain, whether they are pure, half or muggle born. If a little torture is necessary to make my point, then so be it.

Selfies? The word implies self taken pictures of one-self. And... a sudden flush rises up his collar as he reads the next line. Surely, Harry couldn't mean...

Nude pictures?? Of himself??

Surely Harry is teasing him. The distinct sense of amusement and - longing? desire? lightness? - on the other side of the link suggests so. Does that mean Harry is flirting back?

Well, never let it be said Lord Voldemort backs down from challenges, especially such... _delicious_ challenges.

> > Your suggestion is most intriguing, Harry. Tell me, if I send you a copy of my manifesto, and you happen to like it, will you also agree to grace the nude calender's cover alongside myself?
> 
> > I'd be most interested if you agreed to do so. I'm sure we will have _fun_ whilst posing for the scenario for every month.
> 
> > Or perhaps, an offer for a calender's page dedicated to every week every month would be more your preference? We will have a _lot_ more opportunities to spend time together naturally in that case.
> 
> > Did you know that just like Wizarding Mirrors, Wizarding Camera's can be instilled with a sense of fashion and beauty and thus, made to take pictures without any external help?
> 
> > It'd be just you, me and the camera, alone in a room in our natural state.

And then he stops there, because Harry is still just 15 and any more would maybe be too much for his teenage sensibilities.

Thus he addresses the next message.

> > If she saved your life as many times as you say, then I owe her my Thanks. Tell me, who is this woman? If she is as brilliant, as intelligent, as you say she is, then maybe I should try to recruit her too.
> 
> > Just as I tried to recuit your mother. She was an exemplary witch, the best of her generation. The disappointment of her refusal to join was at the same level as Regulus Black's agreement to join. Did you know he is, till date, the only Wizard to have actually joined _because_ of my revised manifesto. It was a pleasant, and welcome, surprise. His death was one of the greatest losses of the War.
> 
> > Regardless, if your friend is even half as brilliant as your mother was, and dislikes Malfoy just as fiercely as I do, then we will definitely get along well. Do send her my regards and appreciation for her talents, and admirable effort in keeping you alive.

And this was surprising. Harry has always had the same glasses?? But one's eye prescription increases by at least half a point every year! Eye wear, especially if they're prescription, are recommended to be replaced every half year for best results.

Really, is this how Dumbledore and his lot treat _His_ Chosen One?!! Not even buying new eye-wear for him?!!

Unforgivable!!

> > Harry... calling them vintage doesn't make them any less useless. Is it a matter of Galleons? Or availability? Do you need me to send you a Gift Card for an optometrist, or perhaps book an appointment for a Healer to visit you at Hogwarts for a check-up? Do let me know.

And well, never let it be said that Lord Voldemort doesn't press every advantage he can get because,

> > I may not have been standing as close as I'd have liked every time we meet, but even with those brief glimpses I can say for sure: Squinting your eyes doesn't suit you at all.
> 
> > Wide eyed, and bright with surprise, emotions brimming and no, not tearing, never tearing up with pain, is a much better look on you.

And then he smiles as he types, because it would be a crime not to take this opportunity and use it for all it's worth.

> > If it isn't clear yet, yes Harry. I like your eyes. Very expressive, and emotive. They're truly the windows to your soul, the way they shine and show every emotion in your heart. I doubt I'd ever need to use Legilimency if we ever meet again, because your eyes always give you away.

He stops before sending that last message, wondering if he is laying it on too thick. Then he shurgs and sends it anyways, because really, Harry didn't get any of the other praises he had sent before that one drunk, too-blunt message he just sent previosuly.

If direct, blatant, compliments are the way to go, then that's what he'll do.

Really, is it not common sense to try to keep one's soul as close to oneself as possible? Because Harry being his Horcrux is the only possible reason he has ever felt it a shame that the boy never saw him for what he is, only the public's made-up monster. It is the only reason why he has felt this attraction, this desire to get closer, and closer still, to one Harry Potter.

Yes, the Horcrux and resultant Soul Bond between them makes perfect sense.


	37. Harry Potter

Atlantis, the sun, the moon... were there people really living out there?

> > im obviously talking about muggle culture duh
> 
> > muggleborns' parents will miss it
> 
> > torture's not helping your case either
> 
> > im telling you, selfies are the way to go, maybe edit them with inspirational dark lord quot

Harry stopped abruptly, accidentally hitting send. His heart beat a tattoo against his ribcage, bordering on painful. He was starting to feel a bit feverish.

> > i
> 
> > um
> 
> > fffffffuck
> 
> > you cant just say things like that and
> 
> > goddamn fine
> 
> > her names hermione, i dunno about you recruiting her though

Yes, good. Keep it together, Potter. Think about Hermione tearing Ron to shreds, and then picture Voldemort in that situation. Yeah, wouldn't go well.

> > she hates your guts, i told you she convinced me to start a dada group to prepare people to defend themselves against _you_
> 
> > and i mean its not like any of us have read your manifesto
> 
> > plus shes extremely stubborn, bossy, ruthless, and she'll never give up until she proves you wrong and when she finally does, shell rip you a new one
> 
> > remember when i said you and ron are a bit alike (dont tell him i said that, ever)
> 
> > (even if one of our first bonding moments was realising we all hated draco malfoy. its amazing how he manages to bring people together. oh, and that troll we fought, courtesy of you)
> 
> > she always, _always_ wins their arguments
> 
> > i dont think shed follow any orders even if she agreed with you

Then again, she'd followed Dumbledore's orders, but with how _well_ that'd gone...

> > its not a matter of galleons it just.... never came up??
> 
> > i dont have much time to worry about this kind of stuff you know
> 
> > besides im pretty good at spotting the snitch from a distance so i guess it's not that bad? just follow the shiny thing buzzing by. same as dodging spells, easy

When he read the next messages, he had a startling realisation.

Voldemort was trying to kill him. _Of a heart attack_. Harry shivered despite the firewhiskey, and he could feel his flush spread across his chest. His body was starting to feel heavy again...

> > goddsmn
> 
> > youre turning the charm up to eleven swhat youre doing


	38. Voldemort

Voldemort thinks about how to get his point across, because while missing Muggle culture could be understandable, that didn't excuse people from ignoring Wizarding Culture and labeling it Dark and Illegal.

> > Harry, have you noticed that the Slytherins, even the Malfoy's celebrate Christmas? I have no problems with muggleborns and their parents following muggle culture. However, that does not mean they have to ignore and vilify _Wizarding_ culture. Because that is what is currently going on. Tell me, Harry Potter, which Wizarding Festival do you celebrate? Name 5 of them and describe the purpose and celebration method behind any 3. No? Can't do it? Exactly my point.
> 
> > Muggles immigrate to different countries all the time, and even they try to follow the customs and traditions of their current residence. 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do', yes?
> 
> > _That_ is simply what I am asking for.

And then he pushes down his sudden anger at the next words. Words flow from his fingers before he can stop himself.

> > And I asked for a different way for me to bring about change within the time limit. Saying 'This is not the way', and 'This is not good', is all well and good, very idealistic. But in that case, please do tell me if you have alternate, realistic, quickly-implemented methods?

He takes in a deep breath, because loosing his temper here will not help. Harry is his Horcrux. He needs to coax out changes in his mindset, rather than force them upon him. It would be counter-productive in the future.

Instead, he turns to teasing.

> > And oh? It's 'fine'? Does that mean you're agreeing to a shared nude calendar between ourselves to help spread my true goals? I'm very touched, Harry. This is an admirable step in the right direction from you.
> 
> > Tell me, shall I book a time, place and session in isolation for us?
> 
> > Just give me the word, tell me when you're available and I promise I won't let you regret it.
> 
> > Unlike our previous meetings, I swear I won't hurt you. Unless you ask me to. Would you like me to hurt you, Harry?
> 
> > The calendar will help me to a great extent. So I too, will try my best to make it worth your while.

Next, Harry brings up an excellent point. They have not read his revised manifesto, have they?

He takes out the copy he has, and sends a picture of each and every page to Harry.

> > As you have oh so kindly agreed to the calendar shoot, wouldn't you like to know _what_ you will be posing nude for? Take a look at my revised manifesto, Harry. It is much shorter than the previous version, but it more to-the-point.
> 
> > Read through it, and even share it with your muggleborn friend. Maybe she'll change her mind. And then, you both can discuss and let me know which quotes you would like to be next to _your_ photos in our Calendar.

He laughs because Harry's incorrect prescription glasses makes it plenty obvious to him how he is able to spot the snitch so easily. When the whole world is a blur, a sparkle of gold will be very visible even at a distance.

Regardless, blurred vision is a weakness in his Horcrux he will not tolerate. Because the thought of it, of it being a _weakness_, and not the thought of how much more visible those eyes will be in better frames, that makes him book an appointment with a St. Mungo's Healer for Harry the very next day.

> > I still insist on getting you new frames, with an accurate prescription. I have just messaged the St Mungo's appointment booking number, and have got confirmation for a Healer to come tomorrow and check your eyes, at 7 AM in the morning. You can owl order the frames later. I will send you a catalog tonight.

And if the Healer does a _complete_ check-up rather than only the eyes, than that's the Healer's prerogative and not his problem.

> > Your optometrist check-up will be early in the morning, but the Healer will be available throughout the day. I am paying for it all, so don't be shy, Harry, and take full advantage of having a Healer at your beck and call. Even get your friends and other students checked. Because from what I have seen in Umbridge's mind, you and the rest of the student's need it.

And oh look! Finally, the words are hitting their mark in Harry's mind. The blunt approach is working wonders. Thus, he takes advantage of Harry's flustered state and asks,

> > Yes, I _am_ turning up the charm. And tell me, Harry, is it _working_? Or do I have to try harder?


	39. Harry Potter

Harry's fingers flew over the keypad, indignant.

> > hey!!! im not completely clueless!!!!
> 
> > i know about samhain and yule!
> 
> > yule has a ball and thank _god_ i dont have to celebrate that because i hate these things
> 
> > and samhain, uh
> 
> > ok im not sure what people do in samhain but i do remember my parents didnt celebrate halloween
> 
> > i have the dementors to thank for that by the way
> 
> > but uh, it wasnt because of you. they were celebrating.... something?
> 
> > there were candles and some decorations and my dad was making pretty lights with his wand
> 
> > is that what people do in samhain?

He furrowed his brow, trying to remember. But mostly what he could remember were the screams, and he wasn't exactly sober.

> > i _told_ you howler would help with pr!
> 
> > dadfjasgfasjkfagSAH
> 
> > wait no!!! i didnt
> 
> > i didnt agree to the calendar i agreed to telling you about hermione i

Harry shivered, taking a deep, deep swig of his drink. He swayed a little, trying not to dwell too hard in the lovely... _amazing..._ images his mind was conjuring. Stupid brain, making things worse...

> > you cant just say things like that and casually talk about healers
> 
> > whows gonna heal my heart attack or high blood pressrure huh
> 
> > morganas saggingn tits dont try harder is that your new method of killing
> 
> > or torture
> 
> > or both
> 
> > fuckkkkk

Harry finished the bottle and waited for a response, his vision growing just as blurry as it was without his glasses.


	40. Voldemort

Voldemort laughs softly as he reads the latest flurry of text messages.

> > I asked for 3. You only know the names of two, and even then it's "Yule has a ball". A ball is not the only thing Yule is about.
> 
> > As for there being candles and your dad making 'pretty lights', that points to him celebrating the Festival of Lights, also known as 'Diwali'. A non-British, but still traditional Wizarding Festival of India.
> 
> > Considering that the Potters are known to have married extensively with the Indian Wizards during the early colonization period, I'm not surprised by his choice.
> 
> > I've heard you have the daughters of Ambassador Patil in your year-group? You could ask them for more information. They will be quite happy to help when you point out your common roots.

But still, the only son of a traditional family like the Potters not even knowing about his heritage, his roots and the festivals traditionally celebrated by his family?

This won't do at all.

And Voldemort is all too happy to help his Chosen One, his Horcrux.

> > This is quite a sorry state you're in, Harry. As someone who has accepted to 'take responsibility' of you, I'll send you a couple of books on various Wizarding Festivals. One on traditional British Festivals, another on Wizarding Festivals of India and the last focusing on famous Festivals around the world. I have a few copies from my own students days.
> 
> > Use them wisely, and treat them carefully. Books need to be treated with respect, always.

And really? Comparing using Howler to taking over the British Wizarding Government? How... Gryffindorish of him.

> > Do you really think _Howler_ can help me take over? _Really_? While good PR is a must, and this time, I'll put Barty on it, it is not the sole factor. If you really want to contribute to a '_peaceful_' resolution, please think of a passable, realistic strategy for change.

Reading about the sentence full of randomly typed words, which Voldemort knows by now means speechlessness due to flustering or embarrassment, his lips curl in a wide smile and he chuckles.

> > You _did_ agree, Harry. You said 'okay fine'. No take backs.
> 
> > Don't worry. Your _body_ certainly doesn't have anything that _I_ don't have. If you're so dubious about it, why don't you agree to a thorough check-up before we start the shoot?
> 
> > I did send you the revised memorandum, did I not? Go discuss it with your Hermione and let me know how it goes. I'll be waiting for your chosen quotes with baited breath.

He reads the next parts and chuckles.

"So weak to teasing," he says and tilts his head thoughtfully. "How surprisingly cute of him."

Because the image of someone who always stood up to him, looked at him straight in the eyes and defined him with determination and courage even when the odds were against him, contrasted beautifully with someone who got flustered so easily, who was so weak to even a bit of teasing.

He sighs, and because Harry Potter has certainly made him sigh more than double the number of times he sighed during his job at Borgin and Burkes, he sighs yet again.

> > The Healer can certainly give you Potions for your heart attack and high blood pressure.
> 
> > Or do you want _me_ to heal those for you? I certainly have some skills in the healing arts. If you ask nicely, I can certainly heal all that ails you thoroughly, and then some.
> 
> > Or...

He covers his face with his hand, even as laughter shakes his body and types with one hand.

> > Or do you want me to blow on it and make the plain fly away? Do you want me kiss it better?

He loses the fight and places his phone next to him, his hand slamming on the desk, and laughter echoing in the empty chamber.

> > If I didn't know better, then I'd have assumed you _want_ me to torture you slowly before killing you sweetly.

> > Do you?

"Oh this is so precious ~" He wipes away the tears of mirth in his eyes as he feels the Occlumency barrier coming down and a strong wave of flustered emotions, embarrassment and desire comes crashing through the link.


	41. Harry Potter

Harry blinked, looking at the screen. He... felt a bit closer to his parents, knowing this. Being told by _Voldemort_, of all people.

> > i dont think the patils will be much help, they might be resenting me a bit still
> 
> > last years yule was a disaster

Well, at least they’d joined the DA...

> > you sound scarily like mione when saying that
> 
> > she gets anal about these things
> 
> > can you believe she once said
> 
> > “harry we could get killed!!! or worse, expelled!!!”
> 
> > yes hermione god _forbid_ we get expelled when we’re a bit too dead to study

He asked the room for more firewhiskey, and promptly choked on it when Voldemort... oh no. _Oh no_.

Maybe if he took a deep, deep swig the words would blur enough. Yeah. Yeah...

_Torturing him slowly and killing him sweetly_... Godric’s sword it was too early for this. No, scratch that. There wasn’t a proper time for the day for this. He couldn’t take it.

> > bloody hell voldemort
> 
> > i
> 
> > fukc im dizzy
> 
> > hfddddddddddddddddddddddd

His grip on his phone tightened a bit, as he rested his head against the wall. His vision swam. If he just... closed his eyes for a bit...

His phone was on his lap when his fingers brushed against the screen.

_Initiating videocall with Snakeface..._

The front camera showed an awkward angle of a sleeping Harry, his glasses askew and his hair disheveled, flushed from the tips of his ears all the way down his neck.

“_**Ron...**_” He hissed. He slipped into Parseltongue in his dreams sometimes. “**_It’s all Malfoy’s fault, m’telling you..._**”


	42. Voldemort

Voldemort has just managed to control his laughter, coughing twice to clear his throat when the new series of messages comes through.

That bit of information about Patil's and Harry during the Triwizard Yule was a tidy bit he tucked away to be analyzed later, and continued to read on.

Expulsion worse than death? There was certainly a time that Tom Riddle would have agreed to it.

But _Voldemort_ certainly does _not_.

There are many Wizarding schools with a better international ranking than Hogwarts that one can get into, if expelled. But death? Not everyone has the level of immortality required to overcome death.

He starts typing to explain so to Harry, when suddenly, he gets a message about a video-call.

"Curious," he murmurs, and swipes the green icon to pick up the call.

The image of a flushed, sweaty neck is the first thing he notices. The smooth hisses of Parseltongue, blaming Malfoy, are the next.

Suddenly, the angle changes. Harry must have moved around in his sleep, and his face is in focus. Dark, wind-swept, messy hair frames a soft featured face, green eyes peeking behind slightly closed lids, flushed cheeks and softly breathing lips catch Voldemort's eyes.

He blinks at the soft picture a drunk Harry makes, strangely adorable where people normally have an awkward, intoxicated expression.

Harry murmurs some more in his sleep and Voldemort blinks again, an idea unfurling in his mind.

Over the next fifteen minutes, Voldemort has gathered enough pictures and video recordings to blackmail Harry ten times over, especially when he moved and the empty bottle of firewhiskey came into the frame.

He cuts off the call, his mood a hundred times better this moment than it was when he awoke.

Catching Harry in an embarrassing moment is definitely the most prized addition to his Blackmail Photos collection.

He sends a copy of the mildly embarrassing photo with a single text.

> > Let's talk again later sometime, Harry. Do keep me updated.


	43. Harry Potter

Harry woke up to a barrage of frantic messages and a pounding migraine. Ugh... for how long had he slept...?

"Is there something for hangovers...?" He murmured, and a vial appeared in front of him, bearing a label in Snape's handwriting. Oh, so the Room could steal from Snape's stash? Thanks, Room.

When he gulped down the potion, his mind sharpened back into focus so fast it left him a bit dizzy. But well, the throbbing headache and the nausea were gone. That was good.

His muscles ached from having slept on the floor and he was still tired, but he could get to see what was up, now. He picked up his phone, and...

Oh _shite_. Lunch. It was bloody lunch time. And there were dozens of notifications from Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Sirius.

_The Order was looking for him!? He was missing???_

Who was less likely to freak out first...

> > sirius im fine
> 
> > i just had to process things and i didnt sleep at all last night, i kinda passed out

> _Padfoot is typing..._

Harry waited with bated breath.

> > Harry what the HELL
> 
> > Everyone was so worried
> 
> > Your friends couldnt find you on the map

> > uhhhh
> 
> > yeah thats because you didnt map the room im in
> 
> > its the room of requirement, they know about it
> 
> > ill tell them to stop worrying

Ron or Hermione? Ron or Hermione? Not Ginny. She was already worked up enough that she'd started threatening whomever held Harry captive, Ron could calm his sister down, thanks.

So he went with the reasonable option.

> > mione im not dead
> 
> > i just needed some time after... well, voldemort
> 
> > im in the ror, i passed out

> > Harry, why didn't you tell us anything?!!!

> > i dunno everythings a mess
> 
> > i might have gotten drunk
> 
> > did you know the ror can do that? summon drinks? dont tell seamus

> > YOU DRANK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH?!
> 
> > I'm letting the others know where you are, and when I'm done with lunch I'm coming to get you. We'll go to the kitchens and politely ask the elves for some food.

> > uh, while you do that
> 
> > someone sent me this thing they wrote
> 
> > could you tell me what you make of it?

Harry sent her the pictures of Voldemort's manifesto, and started trying to get a bit presentable. He asked for a damp towel to wash his face, a charm took care of the firewhiskey smell, and the potion had gotten rid of the aftertaste of the alcohol.

Finally, he checked Voldemort's message, only to find his own sleeping face, flushed and vulnerable.

> > how did you even get that????!?!?!??


	44. Voldemort

Voldemort raises his head and glances at the mobile as it vibrates. He drops the quill, grateful for a short break from his paper work and reads the new message.

Oh, it seems like Harry's awake again.

> > Good afternoon, Harry. How lovely to see you're awake again from your drunken stupor.
> 
> > And since your mind still hasn't recovered from getting drunk on an empty stomach, it seems you've failed to remember the fact that you initiated a video call while moving around in your sleep.
> 
> > Is that not a flattering picture?
> 
> > If you don't like it, then I have several others where your countenance is less... composed, than it is in this one. Video clips too, for that matter, as you fell asleep and a bottle of firewhiskey just happened to roll in the camera's viewpoint.

He chuckles again at the reminder of the event, and ends the conversation with a last line.

> > I have more copies I can send, if you want to share them with your friends.


	45. Harry Potter

Harry stiffened, just as he'd finished straightening out his robes and attempting (fruitlessly) to tame his hair.

> > VOLDEMORT WHAT THE HELL
> 
> > you're not helping your case here of "i'm not evil i swear it's malfoy's fault"!!!!!
> 
> > what you're doing here is the worst of the worst, you recorded me while i was sleeping???? VOLDEMORRRTTTT
> 
> > WHATS YOUR DEAL?!?!??

Harry flushed deeply as he scrolled up, rereading the conversation from earlier in the morning. Voldemort was boldly and unashamedly flirting with him, and even now, stone cold sober, it made Harry feel hot under the collar.

More buzzing managed to distract him, thankfully.

> > Harry! Where did you get this?!
> 
> > I've read this manifesto at Grimmauld's place. You know how, if we survived You-Know-Who, I wanted to work at the Ministry?

> > erm, yeah?

> > That's not all. I want to run for _Minister_, Harry. This manifesto spurred me on. I was planning to write my own, inspired by this. It needs some polishing but the ideas are just so GOOD! I could kiss the author!
> 
> > Who are they?? You said they sent you the pictures, right? Can I contact them? Ahhh we could debate for hours, perfect it, are they a politician? A philosopher? The way it's written they look like a scholar of some sort. WHY AREN'T THEY MINISTER???

> > i think one of the requirements for being the minister is being a bloody idiot. if they change that i'd vote for you mione

> > I knew I could count on you, Harry. No, but seriously, who are they? I really look up to them.

At a loss, because he couldn't bloody well tell her 'oh, it's just Voldemort!', he took screenshots of the entire conversation and sent them to the man.

> > um
> 
> > as you can see shes very interested, i told you so
> 
> > your ideas are good, the pr is your problem
> 
> > and, uh, the methods
> 
> > but what the hell am i supposed to tell her now??? what do i do????


	46. Voldemort

Voldemort raises his head again, disturbed by the new message notification, blinking vacantly as the words from the report flash across his eyes.

He rubs his eyes and groans, one hand moving to hold the mobile and unlock the screen.

His mood lightens as he reads Harry's flustered messages, one hand coming to rest on his cheek as the other scrolls down the screen.

> > Do I need a 'deal' to record your sleeping position, Harry? I did it just because I felt like it. Don't think too much about it.

Because he can't really tell him it's for future blackmail material, can he?

The next images of the conversation between Harry and his friend, Hermione, were interesting.

> > Tell her the truth. Show her our conversation, if she resists the idea of my being the author of her favorite manifesto. I'm certain we can come to an agreement.

And then he ponders, because if Harry was right, and this girl had the same potential as Lily Evans, then it would be a shame to lose her to the truth of his identity.

> > Another choice, is to put us in contact while maintaining the need to anonymity on my end. If our discussion goes well, either you or I can reveal my identity to her in the end.
> 
> > Since she is your friend, I trust your choice in this matter.

To end the exchange, he sends another picture of Harry drooling in his sleep.

> > Do you like this one, or the previous one better?


	47. Harry Potter

After a short pause, Harry changed Voldemort's contact name to "Mysterious Author™" and shared the contact info with Hermione.

> > sorry i dont know who they are either
> 
> > but here you go, godspeed hermione
> 
> > i can tell theyre a nerd just like you
> 
> > nerd-off to your heart's content

> > Harry!! You didn't tell them that, did you?
> 
> > Please tell me you didn't call them a nerd.

> > i didnt, dont worry

But maybe he really should. Because Voldemort's passionate rants _were_ a bit nerdy.

Now, however...

> > i shared your contact info but she doesnt know who you are
> 
> > enjoy your new nerd friend who'll destroy you in debates
> 
> > shes always right and if shes not she'll convince you she is, heh

Harry paused at the _second_ picture of himself, covering his face with his hands.

"Oh god. Oh my godddd...." He muttered out loud.

> > voldemort HOW MANY DO YOU EVEN HAVE
> 
> > is that a hobby of yours??? taking pictures of people while they sleep??
> 
> > maybe you should work for rita skeeter instead of this whole dark lord business
> 
> > mr. voldemort, reporter of the prophet's gossip pages, i can see it


	48. Voldemort

Voldemort messages Barty while waiting for Harry's reply, instructing him to look-over Howler and make a draft of a PR-plan. Barty _did_ deserve the vacation he was on after successfully playing Moody for a year, and then faking his own death by Dementors, but Voldemort did not consider browsing a social-media platform as a valid work position.

Barty can do it while on break.

Of course he also offers to put Barty in contact with the person who suggested a Howler-propaganda campaign. Harry can deal with Barty if he's so insistent Voldemort make a Howler account and post selfies.

Harry's next message comes soon after he's done dealing with Barty.

> > Thank you, Harry. I can take it from here.
> 
> > Your concern for my skill in debates is admirable, but you're forgetting who I am.
> 
> > Even if your friend has Ravenclaw-tendencies, Ravenclaws and Slytherins have always had debate clashes for right to represent in the ICW Student Debates since the past millennium. And the representative has _always_ been a Slytherin.
> 
> > So really, you should be more concerned about your friend's skills, and get ready to comfort her by the day's end.

And Harry's reaction to the second picture? Just as amusing as the first's.

> > Harry, dear, the first and foremost skill for any Slytherin is information collection. No matter how silly, or useless, or extraneous it might seem, all information is important. We all develop a habit of sub-consciously collecting information whenever and wherever we get a chance.
> 
> > Rita Skeeter is a low-feeding worm on the Slytherin rung, and really, have more faith in my abilities than that of _Rita Skeeter_ of all people.

But this much is not enough. Voldemort wants to tease his Harry _more_, drag out more and more of those flustered expressions and sweet emotions from across the link.

> > And Harry, My Chosen One, what other visage can make me instinctively take a picture if not your own?
> 
> > If not in my abilities as a Slytherin, then at least have faith in your attractiveness.

He starts typing more, because teasing Harry is always so fun, but a message from an unknown number gets his attention.

> >Is this the person who sent the manifesto images to Harry?
> 
> >I got your number from Harry Potter. My name is Hermione Granger and I am a huge fan of your work.
> 
> >Your work is what sparked my interest in working for the Ministry.
> 
> >If you're available, then maybe we can discuss your work?

Voldemort replies with a,

> > Sure, miss Granger.
> 
> > I am delighted to talk with someone whom Harry holds in such high esteem.

And from there on, they talk about the changes Voldemort has outlined in his work, and miss Granger's firm determination on how Wizards should be more accepting of muggle culture.

Indeed, as Harry had warned, Hermione Granger was brilliant, determined and intelligent. She made her points concisely and supported them with proof.

However, he was also Lord Voldemort, once Tom Riddle who had been the Hogwarts representative to Junior ICW Debated for five years running.

_It is like walking on a tight-rope, balancing a conversation with Harry, and debating with Miss Granger_ whilst making sure she doesn't get any clue about his identity, and remaining as non-condescending as possible when she gets too passionate and he has to repeat his point, with multiple examples and references just to ensure his view, and the reasons behind them, get across.

One such conversation was that about House Elves, and after referencing multiple books, as well as several Hogwarts House-elves by name, she promises to check with them and then get back to him when she has come to a conclusion.

In the end, he agreed with Miss Granger that Wizards _do_ need to keep in touch with Muggle progress and culture if only for the sake of the Statue of Secrecy.

In return, Miss Granger conceded that Muggleborns and their parents should learn, and practice, Wizarding Culture and Traditions because this is _their_ world now. Just like it would be rude if someone from America, from whom they've been separated since the past 2 centuries, came to their house and criticized their way of life and culture, similarly, muggleborns and muggles who come into the Wizarding World and trample on our culture and way-of-life are being rude too.

They end their conversation on a friendly note, each high from the exhilaration of the debate.

Perhaps, Voldemort will introduce her to his idea of segregation the next time.

It would be nice to get a second opinion on whether they should follow Atlantis and carve out their own hidden land, or follow Kaguya Monogatari's way and immigrate to a new planet, or maybe, they should move to another dimension just like the Fey. In all cases, they would have portals being open to bridge the way to Earth, so muggleborns and their parents shouldn't have a problem.

He sighs, because even if the conversation with Miss Granger gave him quite an high, it was not as much fun as that he has had with Harry.


	49. Harry Potter

'Harry... _dear_'? He was using pet names now? Harry could feel his face growing warm.

And even warmer yet when he called him _attractive_.

_Oh god..._ Harry sat at the edge of his bed's replica, trying to process what was going on.

> > i hope you dont flirt with her during your debates
> 
> > it'll piss her off and she wont buy it

'Like I have,' Harry thought, with a guilty shudder. He rubbed his cheeks as if that would will the flush away.

It was staggering just how much the foundations of his world had fallen apart in under twenty four hours.

> > mate what did you think of
> 
> > im outside

Harry blinked, trying to shake off the lingering and intertwining feelings of guilt and attraction, and stared at his phone. It was Ron.

> > our dorm
> 
> > watch your step, there's two bottles on the floor

Ron walked inside. He looked a bit more composed than what Harry expected, Hermione must have warned him. "Mate... did you really drink all that?"

"Yeh," Harry mumbled. "I thought 'Mione was coming with?"

"She's in a tizzy about some texts she's gotten, said she was running off to the library," Ron said, shrugging. "D'you reckon the Room could bring us food like it brought firewhiskey? I'm still hungry."

"Aren't you always?" Harry smiled, taking a deep breath. Isolation wouldn't do him any good. He took one last glance at his phone, switching conversations. "I'm fine, mate. Let's go to the kitchens, I need to clear my head."

> > how'd it go with hermione?


	50. Voldemort

Voldemort replies back almost absentmindedly, doing his paperwork, and the on-going debate with Miss Granger holding no bar to his ability to converse with Harry.

> > My Chosen One, I have standards. I simply do not flirt with any random person I come across.
> 
> > You're just that special.

He is able to spend a few more minutes on his paperwork, before he gets a message more Harry again.

And oh, Harry is asking about his interactions with Miss Granger. This is certainly something he can use.

> > We had a fruitful talk, and found some common ground. She has some home work that I've assigned, to look up a couple of references and talk to a few house-elves. It was... exhilarating, to say the least.

Exhilarating, because it took considerable effort, to make her think his concession were actually 'concession' she wrangled out of him. Truthfully, her point, and his agreement, about the Statue of Secrecy would be moot if he ever manages to bring about total segregation.

At that point, while communications between the Wizarding and Muggle Worlds would still be on-going because of magical portals, the choice of learning about Muggle culture would be optional as there would be no secrecy concerns. Sure, people can still _willingly_ learn about _Muggles_, but it would be a _choice_ and not a _necessity_ as Miss Granger said they ought to be.

Voldemort frowns, because really, he shouldn't get as much amusement from pulling one over a teenage witch seeing as he is a Dark Lord.

He shakes his head, pulling his focus out of his thoughts, and proceeds to tease Harry mercilessly.

> > Fret not though. The debate, while exciting, was not as enjoyable as the conversations between you and me, Harry.
> 
> > You're still first and foremost in my mind, and most important to my heart.

He suppresses the laughter that wants to burst forth and hits send. Really, flustering Harry has become the highlight of his day, almost a cherished moment and it has not even been _one complete_ day yet.


	51. Harry Potter

Harry kept an idle eye on his phone as he and Ron walked to the kitchens.

"Everyone's in class, McGonagall let us off to check on you," the ginger said conversationally. Harry was grateful for the lack of awkward silence. "Gin is furious. We told her about You-Know-Who's plans, and she went _ballistic_. I think she wants to kill him herself, mate. And then killl _you_ for putting yourself in danger like that."

He chuckled, even as guilt ate him up inside. If Ginny knew what Voldemort had been up to, and just how much Harry had let it affect him... scratch that, if _anyone_ knew...

Voldemort never said he wouldn't kill his loved ones. It was best to err on the side of caution, let them believe they were still in danger. Because they very well may be.

"Is she gonna make bats fly out of his arse?"

"Harry! Bad mental image, bad mental image!" Ron wailed, making a genuine smile play on Harry's lips.

_Bzz._

Ah, yes. A break. That was exactly what Harry needed-

_Bzz. Bzz._

He glanced at his phone, unlocked it, and _choked on thin air_, blushing to his roots.

Ron forcefully pulled him forward, and Harry almost lost his footing. "Sorry, mate. You almost fell down the moving stairs. What's gotten into you? You look like someone sent you nudes."

And wasn't _that_ a mental image? Harry groaned, furiously trying to will the heat away from his face. "Someone was being horny on main in Howler," he mumbled half-heartedly.

> > i just saw my life flash before my eyes
> 
> > i almost fell down the stairs your arse
> 
> > *YOU
> 
> > *YOU ARSE
> 
> > GODDAMMIT

Harry could honestly cry at this point. When had his life come to this?


	52. Voldemort

Voldemort threw back and his head and laughed.

"Oh, I -", he wiped away a tear, "I haven't laughed like this in _decades_."

> > Harry, dear, do be careful.
> 
> > I know that no one as-of-yet has ever fallen down the Hogwart's staircase, and I know you strive to do the impossible. But darling, you need to find a different 'impossible' to accomplish and at least leave the staircases alone.
> 
> > I worry a tumble down them won't be good for your head and health.
> 
> > But then, that would give you an excuse to ask me to nurse you to health, wouldn't it?
> 
> > Do you want me to?


	53. Harry Potter

> > YOU'RE bad for my head and health
> 
> > are you absolutely sure this isnt a very creative plan to kill me???
> 
> > because you are. youre killing me right now

As he followed Ron to the painting where the kitchens were hidden, Harry chewed on his lip.

Voldemort was calling him pet names. Dear, darling. It made him...

It made his heart do backflips in his chest. That was _bad_. Very bad.

"Oi, what do you want?"

_Do you want me to?_

"Er... I dunno, whatever's left of lunch today."

"Hah, the elves won't like that, mate."

Harry took deep breaths as they walked into the kitchen, trying not to think of more 80s or 90s songs to relax, because he knew Voldemort would just poke fun at them.

> > you ask me what i want a lot
> 
> > what do _you_ want?

It couldn't be him. It couldn't possibly be him. Voldemort was just... making fun of him, embarrassing him with pictures of his sleeping self, making him question everything...

Had everyone been ensnared by him like this at Hogwarts?


	54. Voldemort

"Figures." Voldemort chuckles and runs his fingers through his hair. "The day I stop wanting to kill him is the day he accuses me of succeeding."

The frequent laughter, and Harry's refreshing, sarcastic remarks have done wonders for his mood today, and he scrolls to read the next message, his heart lighter, and soft smile a fixture on his face.

He freezes as he reads the question.

"What do _I_ want?" He muses and oh, isn't this the first time someone has asked him that question so innocently, without any sort of 'punishment' from his side to incite it.

He taps his fingers on his table thoughtfully, trying to make sense of his mixed emotions, his eyes glazed in thought.

It takes him a while to come to the answer, but when he does, he knows it to be true.

> > I want a lot of things, but from you,
> 
> > I want all that you're willing to give me, Harry. And then maybe, maybe I can convince you to give me something more than that too.
> 
> > Is it not enough? Or Is it too much?


	55. Harry Potter

Shite, shite, shite, shite... Harry's mind was taking him to _very_ weird places, his imagination running wild.

> > youre being very cryptic

Did he _really_ want the details? Well, it didn't really matter if he wanted to or not, because he'd already hit send in his haste to type.

"Mate, come on, I'm hungry," Ron called, already sat on a small table piled with food.

"You've just had _lunch_. Literally. Not even half an hour ago."

"And you think I'd let you eat here by your lonesome? Not a bloody chance."

Ah, so that was what he was doing. Bless him. Harry sat down, and started piling some mashed potatoes into his plate. "So, has the Order found Dumbledore yet?" He asked in a hushed voice, before starting to eat. Oh _damn_, it felt heavenly, even after the hangover potion.

"Nope. He's wanted by the Ministry now, I heard. Shacklebolt says they think he's behind the murders. They're running him ragged looking for him."

Harry choked on his forkful of mashed potatoes, and started coughing. "_What_? The idiots... they think _what_?! Oh my god... this is bad, this is _very_ bad. What the hell?!"

"Exactly, mate! I can't believe anyone would buy that tripe. Dumbledore, for crying out loud!" Ron spoke with his mouth full, but Harry couldn't bring himself to care. "He's only been saying the truth, and now that You-Know-Who's starting to take action, they blame it on _him_?"

Harry pondered on this. If it hadn't made it to the Prophet and only the Order knew because of Kingsley Shacklebolt, maybe Voldemort didn't know either. Would he like to know that they were crediting someone else for his... erm, work?


	56. Voldemort

Voldemort reads the response and sighs.

> > You're being very Gryffindor.
> 
> > Of course I'm being cryptic, I'm a Slytherin.
> 
> > Figure it out yourself, my dear Chosen One.
> 
> > And let me know your answer when you do.

Because really, only a Gryffindor would ask someone to clarify themselves rather than demand what they'd get in return.

It was strangely endearing, but Voldemort had a distinct urge to throttle the boy. Maybe he would get some brains from the after-life.

With another exasperated sigh, he went back to mapping how the Howler PR Strategy would affect his real campaign and policies.


	57. Harry Potter

> > youre so frustrating
> 
> > did you know the hat wanted to put me in slytherin
> 
> > i begged it not to because if i had to sleep in the same dorm as draco bloody malfoy for more than 2 hours one of us would mysteriously die in his sleep
> 
> > and it wouldnt be me

"Harry, you eat like a sodding baby bird. D'you want me to finish that?"

"Over my dead body, mate," Harry countered, making a point to eat another forkful of potatoes. "So we're in the dark. Again. Is everyone safe, at least?"

"Yeah. Mum said Sirius is having cabin fever again, though. She said if she sees him trying to sneak outside she'll put him on a leash."

Harry couldn't help but laugh at the mental image of Padfoot leashed and muzzled, sulking near the door. "If she does, she better send pictures. I'm never letting him live this down."

"I think they plan to renovate, get rid of all the cursed stuff, clear the entire house of doxies and boggarts... I bet that crazy bint will have a fit."

"Your mum better send a video of that, too."

> > by the way, the ministry is still a bloody joke
> 
> > shocker, innit?
> 
> > guess who's wanted for murder now
> 
> > hint: its not you


	58. Voldemort

Voldemort smiles because really, if _he_ had known about Abraxas before being sorted, even he would've refused to go to Slytherin.

> > In that case, I cannot blame you for deciding to not go to Slytherin.
> 
> > Malfoy's are always a pain to tolerate.
> 
> > They do make excellent minions as they have a habit to dote on someone they've chosen to follow. But the general incompetence isn't worth it.
> 
> > I believe it took five murder attempts before Abraxas learnt to not bother me, and three more before he learnt to keep his mouth shut and swallow his words even when not in my presence.

Wanted for murder? Voldemort has _never_ been wanted for murder, thank you very much. Sure, he was wanted to be interviewed as a possible _witness_ to Smith's murder, but _murder suspect_?

There was never enough evidence.

After-all, only popular public opinion connected the Death Eaters with the Dark Mark.

The tattoo itself could be something acquaintances decided to get as a sign of alliance or a mark of a magical contract between families. And one malicious person or group decided to use it in order to frame upstanding, innocent civilians simply because they happen to hold prestigious positions in the hierarchy. Maybe someone with a grudge against purebloods.

And isn't that such a shame?

Voldemort smirks as he recalls all the possible alternate explanations someone with a Dark Mark could have to get away with being a Death Eater or to not be a murder suspect.

> > Harry, dear, such low faith you have in me.
> 
> > _I_ was never wanted for murder.
> 
> > But I will take the bait and ask. Who is wanted for murder now?


	59. Harry Potter

Harry had to fight _very_ hard to keep his face straight.

> > YOU? you were never wanted for murder?
> 
> > am i seriously the only witness to one of your murders?
> 
> > how is that even-
> 
> > how
> 
> > i just
> 
> > how

"You okay, mate?"

"Yeh. I just got..." Harry scrambled to think of anything weird he'd been sent in the past couple weeks. "I just got sent a pic of a... it's best if you see it."

He promptly switched to his camera roll, and tapped on a picture Lee Jordan had sent him for the kicks. It portrayed an elderly wizard in the nude, winking at the camera, holding a rose between his teeth, and he had his... _wand_, transfigured into a literal wand. Beautiful calligraphy at the bottom read: 'swish and flick, dear!'

It was Ron's turn to choke on his food, as Harry burst out laughing. Gasping for breath, he turned his phone around and returned to his conversation with Voldemort.

> > its dumbledore
> 
> > theyre accusing dumbledore of being you, the idiots
> 
> > by the way, take a peek at this
> 
> > it's been going around hogwarts im laughing so hard
> 
> > no idea who the bloke is

_Picture sent to Mysterious Author™._


	60. Voldemort

Voldemort fought hard to keep the smirk off his face.

> > Did you really, Harry? Really witness me killing someone?
> 
> > Or was it Pettigrew?

Because as a homunculus, performing the Killing Curse was pretty difficult. He had to mostly rely on Pettigrew to do it for him, and in fact, was very surprised when it turned out the rat was very much capable of casting it.

And then he sputtered as he read that _Dumbledore_ of all people was being accused of being _him_.

> > Really? Dumbledore?
> 
> > The same man who didn't do more than _stun_ his opponents during the war with Grindlewald?
> 
> > I may loathe the old man, but I am very much aware of his limits.

And then takes a look at the picture and bursts out laughing.

> > That's Horace Slughorn. He was the head of Slytherin in 1927 - 1979, and the Potions Professor.
> 
> > Looks like someone has a grudge against him for denying them Slug-club entry or maybe ignoring them in favor of paying more attention to his favorites.
> 
> > I am curious though, What are your plans for the day, Harry?
> 
> > Because whatever they are, you better finish both today's and tomorrow's today by dinner. Because if you do not get checked by the Healer tomorrow morning, then I myself will come over there myself to give you some _personal_ Healing.


	61. Harry Potter

> > of course not
> 
> > i was a bit younger than that, remember? i even got a long hard look at your face
> 
> > again, i thank the dementors for that. gotta love the dementors
> 
> > they bring back a bloke's cheeriest childhood memories
> 
> > actually, thats another funny story you might wanna hear
> 
> > youd like it because it shows how stupid the ministry is and i almost got killed twice in it
> 
> > by dementors at least. theres a third time but you really cant blame anyone for that
> 
> > do you wanna compare murder attempts? i mean youre immortal but ive survived out of dumb luck how many times already??
> 
> > and yeah, dumbledore. havent you read the prophet lately? we're both apparently trying to start a conspiracy because youre not real, like you're santa claus or something

Harry washed everything down with some pumpkin juice. "I'm gonna get revenge on Lee Jordan, you bet. D'you reckon the twins might have some nasty memes?"

> > what if we got arrested for looking at this picture without his consent
> 
> > lord voldemort, despite not being actually real, goes to azkaban for having illegal nudes in his phone, i can see it
> 
> > wasnt some mob boss arrested for something stupid too? i cant remember, i heard it in muggle school

"Knowing them, they're the ones who sent him the picture in the first place. ...Harry? Mate?"

Harry blushed to his roots.

> > is that a threat
> 
> > voldemort NO
> 
> > first of all you sound like hermione, dont try to flirt with me while sounding like hermione its weird
> 
> > second of all IM IN POLITE COMPANY IM CLUTCHING MY PEARLS RIGHT NOW
> 
> > and lastly how the _hell_ am i supposed to do that??? im not an essay-churning machine
> 
> > if your standards are this high you would have made a hellish teacher

"Uh... I just... Ron, remind me to never turn off the safe mode on Google Images."


	62. Voldemort

Voldemort is really very glad for being ambidextrous right now. He signs the orders with one had, and types on his mobile with the other.

> > Harry, as much as I regret your parent's death, I have confirmation from a veryy reliable source that your child self did not actually _see_ the face of the person who threw an _Avada Kedavra_ at you. Wasn't there a hood involved?
> 
> > Also, Dementors are the worst enemies of people who share our trauma. At least you know the Patronous. I had to resort to some _alternate_ methods in order to defend myself against them.`
> 
> > But enough about that.
> 
> > I for one, am very glad you're as lucky as you are.
> 
> > And as for the prophet, they only claim that the _terrorist_ known as Lord Voldemort is dead. Not the _Revolutionary_ or the _Visionary_ known as Lord Voldemort. It's all a matter of perspective, my Dear.
> 
> > But if they're slandering your name, why don't you invoke the Minor's Protection Law? Because even if you're a partial adult for having been a Tri-Wizard Champion, you still retain Minor Rights until you pass your OWLs.
> 
> > As for Dumbledore being slandered, I really don't care.

And then he feels his lips twitching as he reads about Harry joking about himself being arrested for possessing 'nudes', of all things.

> > First of all, the Internet Protection Law for Wizards is different from that of Muggles.
> 
> > Wizarding laws frequently differ from Muggles laws in various ways.
> 
> > Otherwise, the conditions in Azkaban would be breaking a thousand Human Rights Laws.
> 
> > Second, no one can prove that the nude image of Horace Slughorn being distributed on the Internet is something Slughorn himself did or didn't do. Is it illegal if the person himself does it for monetary purposes? And people see it for educational purposes?
> 
> > Because technically, that image is an excellent example of human transfiguration of private parts gone wrong - or right - depending on whom you ask.

Then he grins, because he has every intention of following through with his 'promise' of 'personally' healing Harry if he skips his Healer's appointment tomorrow.

> > As for your essay writing skills. Well, then you better get to it, shouldn't you?
> 
> > Because I have every intention of personally nursing you to health, and tying you to <strike>my</strike> your bed if that is what it takes for you to feel better.
> 
> > Would you like that?
> 
> > No, I don't require an answer for that, Harry.
> 
> > Because, my Chosen One, if you skip tomorrow morning's appointment, then I will know for sure what you would prefer.

He hits send and then waits patiently for the wave of embarrassment, and -longing? desire? anticipation? - that comes across the link.

Ah, it is _such fun_ to tease his Harry so.


	63. Harry Potter

Harry’s eyes grew exponentially wider as he read. This sort of cunning, all the legalese...

It was kind of hard to focus on what Voldemort was _actually_ saying, because when Voldemort got in an intellectual mood... oh no.

Godric help him, __t was hot_. It was ironic that he could only properly appreciate it when sober.

He was _very, very glad_ Ron was distracted with his own phone, a gift he’d gotten after becoming a Prefect.

And he was gladder still when Voldemort just had to _go_ and add the cherry on top.

He didn’t know if what was building inside him was trepidation or anticipation, but it choked the air out of his lungs. Even if he finished everything on time, _would Voldemort show up anyway_? Could he?

_Did Harry want him to?!_

Feeling his mouth run dry, he took another sip of pumpkin juice, as he finished his mashed potatoes.

> > now youre really trying to give me a heart attack so you have an excuse to heal me oh my god

Trying to compose himself, he rubbed his cheek. It felt warm.

> > never mind a healer, voldemort will you be my _lawyer_?????
> 
> > with all the years ive been accused of either being you or trying to get famous because of you, you might as well come out and say ‘no, he’s not me, i would know since i’m me’
> 
> > or something


	64. Voldemort

Voldemort shakes his head in wry amusement and types his answer and baits.

> > I would _love_ to be given an excuse to heal you, Harry, but I don't need it.

And now, to rationalize his words,

> > You really do need healing, no excuses required.
> 
> > Would you first like a thorough physical check-up, get straight to the diagnosis and healing?
> 
> > Well, there's no rush. You can tell me your answer tomorrow, _if_ you miss your appointment.

And asking Lord Voldemort to be his lawyer?

> > I thought you didn't trust me enough to make a vow between us, my dear? Because lawyer-client contracts require some quite rigid vows to be taken between the two parties.
> 
> > If you agree, I can do it, of course. Or I can give you a list of Practices that would be all-too-happy to represent Harry Potter of Houses Potter and Black.
> 
> > Also, I'd like to inform you that claiming you to be Lord Voldemort can also be classified as _slander of a Minor_.
> 
> > After-all, I did legally change my name from Tom Riddle to Lord Voldemort, filed the required paperwork in triplicate, submit it to the Tibetian, British and ICW records, and also request a new Graduation Degree with an updated name from Hogwarts.
> 
> > Of course, Dumbledore refused it on some asinine grounds.
> 
> > But my point stands. It's slander and illegal, forcing you to take up the name 'Lord Voldemort', on both your behalf as well as mine.
> 
> > After-all, legally, Lord Voldemort is a well known curse-breaker and researcher of Himalayan Creatures. I have 19 articles, 3 of them co-authored with Newt Scamander, published in International Magical Creatures of Legend, and have an annual column outlining my efforts in the Quibbler.
> 
> > So feel free to claim slander whenever someone accuses you, my Chosen One.


	65. Harry Potter

Harry blinked. It took him a solid five minutes to process just what he’d _read_.

And a bit more to keep from laughing. Loudly.

> > what
> 
> > i mean
> 
> > all of it
> 
> > ........WHAT
> 
> > you legally changed your name
> 
> > and its public
> 
> > i
> 
> > WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU FAMOUS FOR BEING A CURSE BREAKER AND A CREATURE RESEARCHER AND NOT A DARK LORD
> 
> > is it america???? have you built a reputation in america????
> 
> > himalayan creatures i
> 
> > you’re completely unbelievable
> 
> > and people buy it???????
> 
> > wait wait wait for a hot second here did you say the quibbler

Harry’s thumbs flew over the keys as he opened a new conversation.

> > luna
> 
> > luna i know youre in class but when you read this, its important
> 
> > DOES THE QUIBBLER PUBLISH LORD BLOODY VOLDEMORT????
> 
> > am i going bonkers here?? or if i am i need to know im not the only one
> 
> > thanks in advance luna youre the best

“Mione says she can’t make it,” Ron mumbled. “She’s been ranting about house elves for the past 15 minutes. Do you know what this is about?”

“She just got her favourite author’s number,” Harry replied with a shrug.

“Are they...?”

“Don’t worry about it, mate. Sometimes you act like you’re already married anyway.”

“Oi! It’s not like that! It’s just, you know, after Lockhart-“

Harry laughed, relieved to see someone _else_ flustered for once.


	66. Voldemort

Voldemort's shoulders shake with the effort of controlling his laughter as the stark amusement from the other side of the link seeps into his mind.

> > Tibet. Legally, Lord Voldemort has spent the last 14 years in an abandoned Tibetian Monastery, working on a big breakthrough of finding common ancestors between the Yeti and the Bigfoot. It's getting published next year Spring.
> 
> > Newt is pretty excited about it, and Xeno has requested a copy of my notes because he feels that the shared ancestor might give a clue about the origins of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
> 
> > As for my reputation... Dearest Harry, I _did_ say I've been published in the International Magical Creatures of Legend magazine since the past 45 years. I have an _international_ acclaim as the foremost expert of Creatures of the Cold.
> 
> > Dementors included.
> 
> > In fact, my first published article of international acclaim was on Dementors and the Cold.
> 
> > I shifted my efforts on Himalayan Creatures soon after.

Because Dementors affected him as adversely as they did Harry, and since he was unable to learn to cast a Patronous, he studied those nightmare-inducing creatures enough to be able to find a way to be unaffected by them.

If he also found a method to _talk_ with them during his research, if only to <strike>threaten</strike> communicate the consequences of attacking or negatively affecting him, then that is no one's business but his own.

> > I'm glad you're taking more of an interest in my life, Harry.
> 
> > Tell me, have you chosen your future career path yet? Do you want advice or consultation for it?
> 
> > I'm always willing to listen.


	67. Harry Potter

> > voldemort
> 
> > oh my god how have i never heard a peep about this
> 
> > how do you actually RESEARCH these things???
> 
> > i mean you were dead??? how????
> 
> > how on earth did you find _time_ to research and lead a war and _be dead_??
> 
> > do you have a portkey there?? a time turner??? BOTH???
> 
> > also wow, dementors???
> 
> > uh, i get why you wouldn't wanna touch them with a fifty foot pole after that, im sorry about that
> 
> > erm
> 
> > not to make it sound like youre incompetent or anything
> 
> > but why didnt you use the patronus? why the alternate methods?
> 
> > i mean
> 
> > i dunno
> 
> > ive taught it to a bunch of people from third to seventh year
> 
> > i could help??? maybe??

Harry chewed on his thumb, thouguhtfully. Ron was texting Hermione, no doubt asking a barrage of questions about Mysterious Author™ that would piss her off.

> > uh, well
> 
> > this is awkward
> 
> > you see, moody (barty crouch, that is)
> 
> > was an amazing teacher. he kind of inspired me actually, in more ways than one
> 
> > before that i just focused on surviving, but after his classes i was like "you know what?? if i survive i'm gonna be an auror"
> 
> > and then i found out i really like teaching defence and i thought id go through auror training, serve some years to get experience under my belt and get some credibility, and then go back to hogwarts, teach dada and hope i dont die by the end of the year
> 
> > i just think i need the experience to toughen up and make sure people know how important each spell is and how dangerous it can be out there, you know? ive found i teach a bit more hands-on, people dont like to learn for the sake of learning, they want to learn whats useful
> 
> > and if i survived, and assuming i had vanquished you or whatever, id want to build a reputation for _myself_ and not just some tosser who wouldnt bloody die and probably lucked out during an anticlimatic duel
> 
> > that was the original plan anyway, if... it makes sense?


	68. Voldemort

Voldemort wonders how best to answer this and settles on,

> > Where there is a will, there is a way.
> 
> > Lack of a body, or opposable thumbs, for that matter, are not as big a hurdle as you seem to think.
> 
> > As for why I never learnt the Patronus, well, I never quite got the time. I mean, if I can't learn it in 3 months, I have better things to focus on.
> 
> > And later, I used that very topic as a starting point for me career, so it's all good.

An... Auror? No wait, Harry wants to be a DADA teacher, and being an Auror is only a way to build credibility.

> > I can understand why you want to be a DADA teacher, Harry. In fact, do you know that I also applied for the same position? Dumbledore refused, of course, saying something about how I couldn't be trusted near underage children.
> 
> > Utter nonsense. I am more trustworthy than _him_ around children, thank you very much. Take my own history, go through the records book and count the statistics of muggle-raised children who died during summer vacation in the Second World War and check the transcripts for the meeting that decided on not letting them stay at Hogwarts during summer. 
> 
> > Ask Severus, even Sirius Black and yourself, as to why Albus Dumbledore never let them stay at Hogwarts, or offer sanctuary even when they reported their homes were abusive.
> 
> > Notice how the Slytherin students are pointed out as 'untrustworthy' or 'suspicious' even by the Headmaster himself, or maybe how _Hagrid_ told you that all evil Wizards are Slytherins.
> 
> > And before you ask, no, I did not follow you from the Leaky Cauldron that day. I talked to Hagrid about it as Quirrell and he was only too happy to tell me how he was happy to inform you all about the Houses, and the evilness of Slytherins.
> 
> > And then, he goes and makes him the Care professor.
> 
> > That man may seem harmless or innocent, but not only is he a walking-talking Dumbledore-is-the-next-Merlin Bill-Board, he is also the very same person who thought it'd be safe to fight trolls as a past-time, smuggle werewolf cubs into his room and keep a man-eating Acromantula in a castle full of children, teach it to talk and name it 'Aragog'.
> 
> > Does _that_ sound like a history of good decisions to you? On the parts of both Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore?
> 
> > Do you really trust these people with the continued safety of children? Because if you ask me, they're just an accident waiting to happen.
> 
> > And before you point out that it was I who framed Hagrid, let me tell you, it was also I who insisted on the innocence of Hagrid. Well, me and Dumbledore.
> 
> > But Hagrid was expelled not for being the Heir of Slytherin, but for possession of illegal, dangerous creatures and keeping them hidden in a school full of children. He had a prior record before I caught him. The acromantula, was just the last straw.

And now, to possibly deter Harry from the path of an Auror.

> > You've been at Hogwarts for five years now, Harry. Tell me, how many of them have been Aurors? Ask your seniors too, and check the records, about how many ex-Aurors have become DADA teachers in the past two centuries. I garauntee you, the number won't be more than 5.
> 
> > Quirrell's qualifications were his exploration of Albania, Lockahrt's his 'well-known' adventures, Remus Lupin's were only an O in the DADA OWL's and NEWTs and Dumbledore's recommendation. Mad-Eye Moody might have taken the job and yes, he was an Auror, but as you pointed out, it was actually Barty who was an excellent teacher. As for Umbridge, she got a T on her DADA OWL and no NEWT. Need I say more?
> 
> > In short, being an Auror is most likely to get you killed, or hurt or maimed (see Moody) in the field. In fact, Moody is one of the *only* two senior Aurors with over 30 years of experience still alive. The other is a permanent resident of St Mungo's.
> 
> > Rather, try exploring the world, seeing sights, maybe try your hands at professional dueling or Quidditch. A Wizard or Witch lives a very long life, the more powerful having exponentially longer lifespans, and most change their careers at least 5 times over their lifetime.
> 
> > Take a chance, live a little.
> 
> > If you want, I can take you on a tour of Albania, the dragon santuary at Romania, the Himalayas or the Forests of the Naga.
> 
> > Just you, me and Magic.
> 
> > Wouldn't that be an experience indeed?
> 
> > It would also over-qualify you for the DADA position, if you ever want to apply.

There! Statistics to make Harry doubt Dumbledore's judgement, somewhat white-washing his own name in the Hagrid debacle, warning Harry away from the path of an Auror or a Hit-Wizard, _and_ tempting him to a trip across the world with him.

All tied up together with a neat bow.


	69. Harry Potter

Harry frowned. This wasn't good, not at all.

It was a _challenge_.

> > lord bloody voldemort
> 
> > of britain and slytherin and peverell and anointed by magic and what have you
> 
> > dont underestimate the patronus, ever
> 
> > it took me a year to learn it but if i could do it _so can you_
> 
> > if neville could cast it with a wand that hates him and isnt even his, _so can you_
> 
> > im gonna teach you the patronus if it kills me so help me god
> 
> > i thought you werent a quitter. are you a quitter?
> 
> > i didnt bloody think so!

Wow, he hadn't expected to get quite as worked up about this, but here he was, determined and typing at high speed.

> > and dont you dare disrespect hagrid!!
> 
> > sure hes.... uh. naive, and not the best at decision making, but give him a break
> 
> > hes kind and compassionate and he _understands_ what its like to be different
> 
> > he likes his big vicious beasts because thats how people see him i think
> 
> > of course he worships dumbledore if hes the one who let him have a future when his wand was snapped!

Not to mention, Hagrid had been the first person ever to treat him like a human being. He'd baked, out of the goodness of his heart, a homemade birthday cake for him, and Harry had loved it, grammar mistakes and all. He'd given him his first real birthday present, his loyal Hedwig. And he'd always, always been there, just someone who'd listen, or when Harry and the others needed a distraction and some small talk over tea. He let Harry help with the pumpkins during Halloween so he'd keep his mind busy during the horrible holiday.

Hagrid might not be the best teacher or have made the best choices, but _no one_, not even Voldemort, _especially_ not Voldemort, would badmouth him on Harry's watch.

He let his anger simmer down, closing his eyes, before he read the next texts.

> > ...i
> 
> > i dont know
> 
> > i never _expected_ to survive for long enough to make this a reality
> 
> > living past 17 already feels like a fever dream
> 
> > but living to.... one hundred? or more? i just
> 
> > i cant wrap my head around it
> 
> > i figured even if i survived id probably die young anyways, either as an auror or whatever happens to dada teachers every year
> 
> > it just feels surreal to even think about "living a little", thats not
> 
> > thats not how it works

Harry was starting to feel emotionally drained. He rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.

"Ron," he mumbled, already resigning himself. They shared a schedule. "Did we get any new assignments this morning?"

"Mate, you have no idea," the ginger said, looking up from his phone to glance at him sympathetically. "Snape was vicious, McGonagall was worried because you were missing and she assigned extra inches, and..."

Harry groaned as Ron went on and on. That afternoon was going to be a _nightmare_.


	70. Voldemort

Voldemort stills as he reads the messages, and then smiles, the very same smile that had captured the heart of every student who witnessed it when he was at Hogwarts.

> > Very well then. I place myself entirely in your hands.
> 
> > Teach me the Patronus Charm, Harry.
> 
> > Please?

And considering what he saw in the minds of the Dursley's it makes sense that his Harry is defending Hagrid.

If Dumbledore had been as friendly as Hagrid was when he rescued him from the orphanage, he might have defended his savior with the same respect too.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately, whispered a voice in the back of his mind), that did not happen, and Tom Riddle was viewed with suspicion at Hogwarts by Dumbledore with just as much gusto as at the orphanage.

> > I'm not saying he's not a nice person, Harry, but Hagrid has a _history_ of bad decisions regarding dangerous creatures.
> 
> > He means well but, he's also a half-giant. What seems friendly to him, is dangerous for us humans, and what he calls 'dangerous', is outright deadly for most everyone.
> 
> > Having him as a gamekeeper is one thing. Hiring him to teach children as young as 13 about Magical Creatures?
> 
> > I apologize, but I refuse to believe that to be safe.
> 
> > Maybe if he only teaches NEWT CoMC.
> 
> > But I wonder, did you hear that his NEWTs class has almost no one attending? Ever wonder _why_ that is?

He scrolls down, and is blinks when he reads Harry's honest confession about not having a future plan.

> > Well, now you know you might live along enough and that this is reality.
> 
> > And you're still young too. You have plenty of time.
> 
> > Do not decide on a career path yet. Think about it some more. I'm sure Minerva will agree when you explain it to her and help you through it.
> 
> > I only recommend that you think over it, about travelling the world and experiencing life.
> 
> > And fear not, for whatever you choose, I shall always be there for you, help you and even do it with you, if you need someone next to you.

Because, he realizes, that _is_ exactly what he wants to do when he is done with this Dark Lord business. Taking over Wizarding Britain was always just a way to pass time, just a tool to wield to implement the changes required by Magic.

The best times of his life, were when he was out there, travelling the world and learning all it has to offer.

The only reason he came back, was because he was lonely.

And if he has Harry to keep him company, then wouldn't he be able to do this for an eternity?


	71. Harry Potter

Harry's heart had already mastered the ancient art of backflips apparently, because right that instant it did a triple somersault.

Please. He could almost imagine Tom Riddle's -- Voldemort's -- face looking at him with puppy eyes.

> > it's
> 
> > it's easier in person to be honest
> 
> > i haven't seen people having as much trouble as i did when they're genuinely determined
> 
> > but it helps to set the mood and be somewhere quiet and relaxing
> 
> > and for the record NO THIS ISNT INNUENDO
> 
> > erm. i know this might sound weird and not relaxing at all but
> 
> > a boggart would help too, you wouldnt happen to have one hiding away somewhere, would you?
> 
> > dont ask why, its part of my hands-on teaching

It was _surreal_ to think of meeting with Voldemort in person to teach him the goddamn Patronus charm of all things, but he'd gotten in weirder messes before.

> > hes not the greatest teacher yeah but i'd take him over snape any day
> 
> > because his classes are a bit dangerous but at least they're not _terrifying_ and infuriating and leave you with the urge to strangle your professor on your way out
> 
> > oh and not to mention sybill "ill predict your gruesome death every day" trelawney
> 
> > at least hagrid's nice and cares about people
> 
> > hell he even cares about _draco malfoy_* of all people. DRACO MALFOY!
> 
> > he was smeared to hell and back by malfoy's dad and rita skeeter
> 
> > i feel sorry for him, he was so excited when he got the job, he cried

Harry sighed, getting Ron's attention. "What's wrong, mate? You haven't touched dessert."

He didn't have to lie this time. "Just thinking about Hagrid. With the way things are going, the Ministry might blame _him_ for Umbridge. Do you reckon he'll still be a teacher next year?"

"I dunno. As long as we don't learn about acromantulas..." Ron shuddered.

> its complicated

> the world turned upside down in a day

> and you expect me to do 2 days' worth of assignments in an afternoon

> i dont have the brainpower to think about this right now


	72. Voldemort

Voldemort blinks at the immediate acceptance of his request and decides, why not?

"It is high time we met in person, after-all." He whispers and replies,

> > Then let me know a time and place that works for you, Harry.
> 
> > I can get a boggart, so don't worry about it.

And then he smiles, because this is *just* the right moment to tease him yet again.

> > I look forward to being under your care, Professor Potter.

And then Voldemort sighs immediately after. Because Harry was making excuses for Hagrid and he knows this is the one thing he can't change his Harry's mind on so soon. So, he diverts the topic into something far safer.

> > I never said Snape was a good teacher.
> 
> > Trelawney, while a Prophet, is not an appropriate teacher for Divination either. After-all, just because someone has the Third Eye, doesn't mean they can teach those without it.
> 
> > In fact, those _without_ The Sight are often more successful in teaching others without it too.
> 
> > And well, Binns isn't exactly a good teacher either. He should have been replaced as soon as he died. The dead, after-all, have no interest in the Living world and thus, teaching a subject like History should be prohibited for them.
> 
> > And really, now that I think of it, this doesn't reflect well on Dumbledore's hiring decisions...

And while Harry is right in that completing 2 days worth of assignments in one isn't easy,

> > Excuses, excuses, Harry.
> 
> > If you won't try, how will you succeed.
> 
> > If you aim for the moon, then if you miss, at least you will land amongst the starts.

But health was also important and Harry _did_ have a series of difficult days.

> > Oh, my Chosen One. If you are tired, then rest. Your health comes before education.
> 
> > And I know I should have mentioned this before, but
> 
> > The Healer coming tomorrow can give you a pass for missing today, tomorrow and the day-after-tomorrow's classes and assignments.
> 
> > All Certified Healer's can do that. Because Health comes first, and if you well unwell, then take the chance for a break.
> 
> > I know yesterday and today must have exhausted you mentally and emotionally. You even got drunk to deal with it!
> 
> > So, rest, my Dearest Harry.
> 
> > The world will still be waiting for you when you get well.


	73. Harry Potter

Harry tried to fight back the blush that crept up his cheeks. _Professor Potter_. The nerve...

> > uhhhh its not like we haven't spent some nice quality time texting
> 
> > but i'd need a vow from you just in case
> 
> > that you wont hurt me, or try to kill me, or kill me, or try or succeed in kidnapping me, or place any tracking and spying charms on me, or follow me to get to my loved ones......
> 
> > .....am i missing anything? youre the slytherin here
> 
> > OH OH OH right damn i forgot
> 
> > the same would apply to someone else doing it on your orders
> 
> > is that a thing? can it be done?

Of course, Voldemort took the chance to crap all over Dumbledore over bad professors. Yeah, Harry was miffed by the man as of late too, but it looked like Voldemort had an _obsession_.

When he was about to complain about _that_ and the unfairly high standards Voldemort himself was setting, his next texts gave him pause.

> > uh
> 
> > voldemort are you okay
> 
> > did you drink again
> 
> > are you running a fever
> 
> > who's this person imperiusing lord voldemort, show yourself!!!
> 
> > because
> 
> > are you seriously saying
> 
> > you're giving me a _break_?!?!?!
> 
> > over education no less
> 
> > if you're not voldemort i promise i wont tell anyone you took his phone

If his day couldn't get any more surreal, there it was. Lord fucking Voldemort, showing _mercy_. He stared incredulously at the slice of lemon tart, still untouched on his plate, as if it had suddenly started barking. Shaking his head, Harry shoved a spoonful into his mouth.


	74. Voldemort

Voldemort is extremely proud when Harry asks for a vow before meeting. He thinks for some time before coming up with one:

> > With Magic as my witness, I will not try to harm or kill you directly, not order anyone else to do so and not try to use you to get to your loved ones, as listed by you, provided they number no more than 15. This condition is valid for a day before, during and a day after the meeting.
> 
> > Now, your first reply should be the names of people you want to be included in this list.

Harry's shock at Voldemort showing concern for him is also... _adorable_.

> > Harry, my dearest Chosen One, from our conversation till now, it should be clear that I have come to
> 
> > _Care_
> 
> > For you.
> 
> > While this development has come to a surprise for myself as well, I _always_ take care of people and things I care for.
> 
> > And somehow, someway, you have carved a space in my heart as a person I have come to care for, one who is important to me, in these 2 days.

And this is a very scary thought for him because...

There hasn't been a single person added to the people he cares for since...

He can't even recall who since how long ago that was...

It makes him feel -

_Vulnerable._

Well then, a threat should decrease theses _feelings_ of vulnerability.

> > Do not abuse my trust and care, Harry Potter.
> 
> > The last person to do so is still having his bones being picked on by carrion's.

And now, to reassure Harry and lighten the mood.

> > Besides, the Healer from St Mungo's tomorrow would have informed you of the same at the end of your appointment.
> 
> > I am just informing you of this in advance.
> 
> > So don't think too deeply about it, Harry. And enjoy the break while it lasts.
> 
> > After-all, you still have to face your Career Counselling and your OWLs later on in the year.


	75. Harry Potter

Harry froze. A list of names... his mind went back to the previous day, where Voldemort had threatened to kill everyone he’d ever cared about.

He glanced at Ron, obliviously texting with Hermione.

His very next reply. He couldn’t even ask, or bargain. Trepidation built in his gut... this was either a saving grace or a death sentence.

Biting the bullet, he started typing.

> > sirius black. ronald weasley. hermione granger. remus lupin. ginevra weasley. neville longbottom. fred weasley. george weasley. luna lovegood. molly weasley. arthur weasley. rubeus hagrid. minerva mcgonagall. nymphadora tonks. bill weasley.

Harry stopped breathing. He couldn’t protect Charlie. He... had to be fine, though. He was in Romania. He’d be fine...

> > this is such a short list, i think that’s mostly everyone
> 
> > if this was a sneaky way to get your kill list i’ll personally cut your bollocks off with a muggle knife and send them to malfoy in a gift box
> 
> > ...........
> 
> > i
> 
> > what

Voldemort. _Caring_ about him. Hell, Voldemort caring about _anyone_, in general.

Harry didn’t know what to think. His heart was already clamoring in his chest like a war drum, and his head was spinning.

Voldemort’s mercurial moods were both thrilling and left him wanting to take a thousand year nap.

> > .......okay
> 
> > um, what should i expect from the healer
> 
> > and how will they explain just showing up
> 
> > ............will they report back to you?
> 
> > and, uh
> 
> > i don’t know about the meeting, when... are you free?


	76. Voldemort

Voldemort tilts his head in consideration as he reads the rather long list of names.

Really, what was Harry complaining about? 15 people safe for 3 consecutive days if Harry plans his moves strategically is far more generous than he has ever been to anyone.

> > Of course this is a short list, Harry. I couldn't exactly give you a free pass to name all of the Order, in case they take you along for a mission and one of my Death Eaters, or myself even, needs to follow track them back. That would render me unable to retaliate in case of an attack against me and mine.
> 
> > The time limit of three days is also for the same reason.
> 
> > I hope you realize how _generous_ I'm actually being here.

> > And in lieu of this confused and scared state of yours, I shall ignore that threat for now.

And really! It took Harry so _long_ to ask about the Healer and his appointment.

> > Mostly, they will check your eyes, give a prescription, check your general health and ensure you get the break you require to heal.
> 
> > Then they will also be available to attend to any of your requests for the day, and even consecutive visits if they are so required.
> 
> > And no, they don't report to me.

As he isn't their Lord and they're not a Death Eater.

Though if they wish to complain to him, as the original requester, of the state of their patient, or recommend further treatment, then it isn't 'report', is it?

> > The Healers of St Mungo's take a strict neutrality oath. They serve all without fear, without expectation and without bias.

Hmm.... When to arrange their meeting?

> > I'm free during Sunday's and Monday mornings. Anytime therein should be fine.

Since his meetings are usually held on Fridays and Saturdays, and Sunday's are days he gives off for his followers to spend with their families. Monday, on the other hand, is the day when he catches up with paperwork.

Like he has been doing from morning 5 am till currently ongoing, for today.

> > I will leave you to your day today then. Any other questions you need to get answered for now?


	77. Harry Potter

Harry huffed. What was Voldemort's insistence on him _healing_? Healing from what, exactly? He was fine, really.

Aside from his bleeding hand, which hurt like hell, he was _fine_. He'd had much worse, he had a littany of scars to prove it, and he'd been fine. Ron had mentioned something about a mind healer once when he didn't silence his bed and everyone in the dorm could hear his nightmare, but he'd survived this far, hadn't he? He'd be fine.

> > fine, i'll... believe you
> 
> > and i hope _you_ realise how much trust this takes from me

Sighing, he finally typed what was bothering him, and if he sounded a bit defensive, that was no one's business but his own.

> > also, whats with you and my health? im fine. i feel fine
> 
> > why would i even need a break to heal? my hand's just a bit cut up and i need new glasses, no big deal
> 
> > ive had my whole arm's bones removed and regrown, ive been poisoned with basilisk venom, ive survived _you_ three times... i dont see the problem

He carefully left out the Dursleys' gentle care. Uncle Vernon was dead. Aunt Petunia was missing, Godric knew where. Dudley was in custody.

Wait a second. _Dudley was in custody_. He'd most likely go live with aunt Marge, but...

> > hold up
> 
> > my aunts missing (and i dont think i even want to know where youre keeping her)
> 
> > im free
> 
> > IM FREE OH MY GOD
> 
> > where do you think ill stay
> 
> > dumbledore's mia so no input from him
> 
> > oh god oh god oh god i cant believe this, im just processing it right now
> 
> > im _free_

Could he live with Sirius and the Weasleys at Grimmauld's Place? Could he _finally_ do that? Harry was buzzing with excitement.

> > mmmh, are sundays fine? i know a place
> 
> > have you heard of the shrieking shack
> 
> > i dunno if it was called that when you were at hogwarts, i think it got the reputation later?


	78. Voldemort

Voldemort reads through the message, even as his mind considers the _number_ of events he will have attend to meet up with old contacts and to assure them that:

'_Yes, I am sane. No, Dumbledore's assumptions about my health and general ability are incorrect. Yes, old seggragations plans are still on and so is the Muggleborn Education Act all drawn up. Oh, where was I till now? Why, I was working on my latest Big-Foot and Yeti ancestor's breakthrough! I was in a Tibetian Monastery and would you like a tour of the place?_'

And oh, out of the things to be dubious about, Harry choses his concern over his health?

> > I can _smell_ the bull shite from that 'Im Fine' sentence through my glass display.
> 
> > Regardless, the reasons of my concern are two-fold: What you have written and you have _not_ written.
> 
> > Just accept my generosity, say Thank You and move on.

He scrolls down and muses.

> > Yes, you are free.
> 
> > There's a reason I did what I did how I did, you know?
> 
> > And no, don't feel guilty over it. They got what they deserved in my opinion. And since _my_ opinion is the one that matters, being the judge, jury and executioner, you can drop your self-loathing.

Where will Harry stay? He has amassed enough influence at this point to make sure _Harry's_ opinion matters in court and so, that's what he offers him.

> > Where do _you_ want to stay?
> 
> > You asked me to take responsibility, and I did. Thus, as your current 'free' condition is due to my actions, the decision on where you get to stay is something I'm willing to influence on your behalf.
> 
> > Think over it and let me know by the weekend, latest. I will need time to arrange everything and the sooner, the better.

He scrolls down again, absent-mindedly. Maybe organize a get together for his allies at Durmstrang for Christmas and New Years with the excuse of providing students with much-needed opportunities for the future?

Yes, that will work.

> > Yes, that will- 

He erases that last sentence because, _No_, he's not going to learn spell-work at that dilapidated place.

> > No. I have _standards_, Harry. The Room of Requirements at Hogwarts will work just fine.
> 
> > Let me know the time. I will be there.


	79. Harry Potter

Harry paused, biting his lip.

> > well
> 
> > for all that it's worth.... thank you
> 
> > uh
> 
> > influence on my behalf?
> 
> > well i was planning to stay in a place thats under the fidelius
> 
> > but uh, if you want to go the legal route
> 
> > a very nice thing to do would be to... wrap up wormtail in a pretty bow and ship him off to the ministry with veritaserum?
> 
> > im not asking, for the record
> 
> > just suggesting
> 
> > no magical contracts or anything like that

Harry sucked in a breath. If he could get Sirius' name cleared, maybe he would adopt him, maybe they would be a family, and he could go out freely and safely on the weekends for as long as it took for Voldemort to learn the Patronus, and...

He was getting ahead of himself.

> > why am i not surprised that you know about it
> 
> > wait, you can just... _waltz in_? you can actually sneak into hogwarts just like that?
> 
> > thats a bit disturbing but ok
> 
> > how about nine in the morning

Most of Gryffindor house slept in a bit on the weekends, unless there was Quidditch practice. Ron had made it an habit to roll out of bed as late as possible and then grab his breakfast in the kitchens, while Hermione disappeared to the library to catch up on homework. It would be the perfect moment to sneak away.


	80. Voldemort

Voldemort is making a mental check list of people to invite for the Durmstrang Yule Gala and those to invite to New Years, when he gets the next message.

Halting the tedious process, because really, some people should _not_ be in each other's vicinity, he reads and types out a reply.

> > Sending Wormtail to Azkaban when he has played an important part in my resurrection is bad for morale, Harry dear.
> 
> > But arranging for Sirius Black to finally have a trial? _That_ I can do.
> 
> > And making sure he's declared a free man after? That is also something I can arrange.
> 
> > However, I am very reluctant to do so. Maybe if you ensured a newly-freed Sirius would stop supporting the Order? That will definitely make it easier for me to sell the decision as necessary to my followers.
> 
> > After-all, I _am_ doing something that's Dumbledore's responsibility. He has had _Fourteen _years to do it, but hasn't.
> 
> > Make me a counter-offer I can accept, and thus, sell to my followers, my Dearest. And I will ensure Sirius Black becomes, and _remains_, a free man.
> 
> > His freedom will be the _envy_ of all free man, I assure you.

And then he reads the time. Nine in the morning on the only day he can afford to sleep in.

> > Yes, I can. I _am_ the Lord of Slytherin, you know? As long as it is only me, I can get into Hogwarts whenever I so wish.
> 
> > And Yes, nine in the morning works perfectly.
> 
> The things one does to keep their Dearest Horcrux close. Harry better appreciate it, for he hasn't ever done this much for _Nagini_.


	81. Harry Potter

A counter-offer. Harry frowned, picking at his lemon tart.

> > one of yours betrayed him, got his friends killed, let him take the blame, and lived as a pet rat for 12 years sleeping in my friend’s bed like a creep
> 
> > before you say anything, consider everything thats not about my parents
> 
> > would you have a creep in your ranks
> 
> > a grown man who sleeps in childrens beds
> 
> > i thought you were all about childrens rights, that would look bad on you
> 
> > and also
> 
> > a traitors always a traitor, if he can betray once, he can do it twice
> 
> > just some food for thought

He was pretty pleased with his argument, if he said so himself. Maybe some of Voldemort’s Slytherin-ness was rubbing off on him, just a tiny bit.

Because he knew Sirius wouldn’t want to betray the Order. The Dumbledore argument wouldn’t fly without the man there to defend himself.

> > i still cant believe im gonna teach you something
> 
> > of all things to be i never thought id be the dark lord’s _teacher_
> 
> > but ill do my best, youll see!


	82. Voldemort

Well, Pettigrew was a little creep and Voldemort can agree with that. But he would rather _kill_ the rat to make an example, than send him to Azkaban.

> > Pettigrew may be a creep, but I would rather kill him to make an example than give him up for _Sirius Black_.
> 
> > Because I know Sirius is Head of the Black Family and I would rather not allow the resources of the Black Family to fall into Order hands publicly to be used against me.

> > I am _not_ asking for Sirius to _betray_ anything. I am just asking him to _not_ support the Order and _not_ fight me.
> 
> > After-all, no matter how pretty your words and how logical, you are still asking me to correct Dumbledore's Mistake.
> 
> > No. Choose another one before I choose one for you.

And then tilts his head as he considers how that might be taken as a threat.

> > And no, this is not a threat. I know better than to allow a Death Eater, or a _bigot_ as you might put it, your custody.

And well, he doesn't need Harry's assurances that he's going to teach _him_ something, no matter how warm his sincerity might make him feel.

> > Of course you are going to do your best, my Chosen One. I will not accept anything less than _everything_ from you.


	83. Harry Potter

Harry sighed. He... he had to try.

> > i can talk to him but i doubt he’ll wanna
> 
> > hes deadset on revenge and if theres ever been a gryffindor to be the gryffindorest to ever gryffindor thats sirius
> 
> > he might as well be the heir of gryffindor hes so stubborn
> 
> > i dont know if he’ll trade his freedom for neutrality but i can try
> 
> > goddammit hes too impulsive for his own good and _im_ the one saying that

He then texted Sirius.

> > padfoot can i call you later
> 
> > tonight?
> 
> > its important

> > Please tell me its not more bad news

> > erm. depends on how you take it really but it could be VERY good news
> 
> > just promise you won’t be mad at me?

> > Youll kill me one of these days prongslet

Sighing, he turned to the conversation with Voldemort, and fierce determination bubbled in his chest.

> > you better hold on tight to your seat because its gonna be the best lesson youve had in your life!!!!!
> 
> > i have the method down and i was a problem case myself so you can do it!!!


	84. Voldemort

Voldemort reads and this time, he isn't able to ignore the warmth, pleasure and fondness from spreading throughout.

He types, fingers tingling warm and red,

> > Thank you, my Dearest.
> 
> > I look forward to it.

And he honestly does.


	85. Harry Potter

In the end, Harry _did_ catch up on his homework for the next day, which pleased Hermione to no end. She was so excited, in fact, she even let him copy her notes from that morning’s classes.

Ron looked bored out of his mind, because _of course_ he’d been dragged along, until Harry mentioned the Grey Lordship.

“What’s this about, mate? Is it because of that spew thing?”

“It’s S. P. E. W., thank you very much!” Hermione corrected him, indignant. “But... I thought the Grey Lady was the Ravenclaw ghost?”

“No, not _that_ Grey Lady. I mean, as in, a Grey Lord or Lady. It sounds right up your alley. Fighting for creature rights, and... uh, I don’t know what else they do, sorry. But it might be worth looking it up?”

Ron stared at him oddly. “Wot, do you wanna start a revolution? Be a Light Lord or something?”

“Me? A Lord?” Harry laughed, shaking his head. “Nah. But... I mean, we made the DA, right? We did it. Us. If we don’t make things change, who else will? People like Fudge?”

They debated the subject until Madam Pince hissed at them to be quiet.

Later that night, the conversation with Sirius went... better than expected. Harry felt like he could finally breathe. One more step... just one more step, and he would have a family, plans for the future (a future he didn’t even know existed!) and the chance to change things for the better.

Right before he fell asleep, Harry texted Voldemort one last time for the day.

> > i should have given him more credit
> 
> > sirius, that is
> 
> > he... agrees, but on one condition
> 
> > he wants wormtail dead and a memory of it
> 
> > i think he wants to make a necklace out of it? or put it somewhere in a glass case? i dunno but he wants it as a trophy
> 
> > gnight voldemort 🌙✨

It didn’t even register that he’d used _emoji_ in a conversation with the Dark Lord. He fell asleep.

The following morning was a bit of a ruckus. McGonagall told Harry that a healer from St. Mungo’s was asking for him, and to put himself out of the spotlight, he frantically lied and said he’d been owled for details about Umbridge, and he’d let the blood quill fiasco slip.

“You caught the attention of a wealthy patron, then,” McGonagall mused, before offering him another biscuit. He silently promised himself he’d give Voldemort a biscuit too on Sunday, because really, it had been his idea.

And so he begged the healer, a kindly witch around her thirties, to not say she was there because of him. To announce that check-ups would be available to anyone, especially people who’d had detention with Umbridge.

To put himself even less in the spotlight also meant that he’d go first, before the announcement. Of course.

Getting his right prescription was a relatively easy affair. He’d _told_ Voldemort he was fine, hadn’t he? Really, this whole thing was ridiculous-

Until she found the blood quill cuts. Apparently, the sodding thing had been cursed to hinder healing efforts. And that was when she decided to cast a diagnosis spell.

And Harry swore up a storm, internally.

The long-term effects of starvation. The marks of abuse on his skin. The clashing effects of basilisk venom and phoenix tears, that, while healing him, interacted in strange ways in his body.

“Your magical core is straining,” the healer said, frowning at the parchment she held. “It is trying to force you into the growth spurts you have been experiencing, while simultaneously healing long-term damage, or attempting to. Some of your ribs healed wrong, you see...”

Harry wanted to _scream_. As more students walked in to get their own checkups, he was due to stay in the hospital wing for at least three days, his phone his only companion.

> > voldemort
> 
> > as soon as i get up from this bed im kicking your arse
> 
> > you were absolutely right and i hate that


	86. Voldemort

Voldemort is talking to Lucius about preparing for the Durmstrang Yule and New Year gathering Invitation List when his mobile vibrates with a new message notification. Lucius startles, but doesn't stop as Voldemort takes out his phone.

It is a new message from Harry.

"Be Quiet, Lucius." He orders. Because really, stopping when the other person gets a message or a call is common courtesy during face-to-face meetings.

Thankfully, Lucius stops and Voldemort resumes reading the messages he hasn't since yesterday afternoon.

The information on Sirius Black's agreement to stay out of the war is a welcome news.

Harry 'Good Night' message is sweet, and even more welcome.

"Lucius, do send Wormtail up when we are done here." He informs the blonds idly and continues scrolling.

The next messages are from this morning and the news implied is just as grave as he had initially assumed.

> > Now, now, my dearest. We had a talk about this.
> 
> > Just say 'Thank You, Voldemort, for sending that Healer and making sure I get healed without any adverse effects lingering in the future'. That's all I need.
> 
> > You can, of course, also decide to share the details about what, exactly, you hate me anew for today.


	87. Harry Potter

Harry huffed, unable to move. At least he could type: one of his arms was perfectly fine after being healed on his Third Year, but everything else? Harry felt like he was made of gelatin, his legs, his other arm and his torso completely boneless. A spell held his organs in their proper places as Skelegro did its job, but it felt _extremely_ uncomfortable.

> > well for one im swimming in dittany
> 
> > and the healer isn’t sure itll even help with the scarring because the blood quill was cursed

Not to mention the much older scars that he’d managed to accidentally cover with a glamour in frantic desperation as soon as he was admitted to the Quidditch team. His back was a mess. She’d made no promises about that.

> > im also missing most of my skeleton, so typing one handed
> 
> > she said tomorrow it’s the skull and bloody hell does that sound terrifying
> 
> > ill be out cold all day so you wont get snappy texts from me and hermione will have to let me borrow her notes again
> 
> > fuckdammit this sucks arse
> 
> > so, how’s your morning? because mine is spent being a human sack of slime


	88. Voldemort

Voldemort looks up from his messages to see Lucius still frozen in the same pose as before, and tilts his head down back again to read the new messages.

Lucius Malfoy gave his _soul_ away to an 11 year old _Weasley_. He can maintain that pose and suffer from back-problems for all he cares.

> > Good luck on your healing then.
> 
> > Since you shared the details about your Health, let me share something too.
> 
> > I will bring you your gift for Sirius Black when we meet this Sunday. And you can expect Sirius's trial next Monday and your custody trial on Tuesday.
> 
> > I hope that puts your mind at ease so you can finally sleep, give your body time to heal, and dream sweet dreams of freedom.

" Lucius," he says after he hits send. "Arrange for Sirius Black's trial to take place on Monday and Harry Potter's custody on Tuesday."

"Black's trial?" Lucius asks, confused. "But-"

"More details will be explained during Friday's meeting, but a week shall be enough for someone of your skills to put things in motion, yes?" Voldemort raises a brow and Lucius swallows.

"Yes, my Lord." He bows. "Of course it can be arranged. I just want to ask, can I ask the others for help? And what reason do I tell them when they ask me why I am tasked to do this?"

Voldemort sighs. "Sirius Black was not only a major combatant during the last war, but since then, he has also become Lord Black. We have struck a deal: His freedom and Harry Potter's custody for Sirius Black's and as a whole, the Black Family's Neutrality. Being the last of his name, the Neutrality only cover's Sirius Black himself, but since it prevents Black Family resources from being used against us as well, I thought it fitting."

"That is an excellent deal, my Lord." Lucius bows his head even further and Voldemort is suddenly struck with how _different_ Lucius is from Abraxas.

Abraxas _never_ demeaned himself in front of him even in his foulest moods.

"Keep this news to yourself, and those helping you, Lucius." He murmurs, lost in the past. "The rest will be informed on Friday."

"Of course, my Lord." The blonde says and Voldemort can't help but say,

"Lucius..." He whispers, "For your father's sake, grow a spine and get some back-bone. I am angry and you will be punished, but that doesn't mean I want you sniveling like an invertebrate all the time."

Lucius freezes. "My Lord-"

"At least snivel like a _human_." Voldemort grumbles before waving his hands. "Let's continue our list. We settled on the Mortimer's of France and Addams of America previously. Who is next?"

Lucius straightens and once again begins the discussion, this time, more _human_ than slug-like in bearing.


	89. Harry Potter

Sirius' gift? He... was agreeing to Sirius' terms? He could finally...?

Harry had to drop his phone so he could use his functioning hand to cover his eyes. Shite... he was tearing up. No, fuck. Stop it, Potter. He bit his lip, remembering the previous night's conversation.

"I won't stop hating him," Sirius had said. "I won't forgive him, either. You have to understand that, Prongslet. But it was _Peter_ who betrayed them. They would have been _safe_ if it weren't for him. Prongs and Lily... they walked away from war because of you. They didn't die to stop the Dark Lord, they died trying to protect _you_."

"Sirius..." Harry had choked out.

"No, really. If I get to avenge their deaths, and he won't hurt you, and we can make up for lost time... I think that's what they woulda wanted. We'll tear this rotten house to pieces, make it nicer, and live together. You and I, Moony, the Weasleys and the Grangers until it's safe... hell, there's rooms for everyone and then some." He'd taken a deep breath, then. "And if all that means I have to leave the war like your parents did... this old bastard can live with that choice, Prongslet."

Harry had cried, then. Thank Merlin for silencing charms. But at the moment his wand was out of reach, and he only had his phone. He furiously wiped at his eyes.

> > i... voldemort?
> 
> > thank you. really

"Leave your phone alone, Mr. Potter. You better rest up, tomorrow's procedure will be complicated. There are _indentations_ in your skull. It's a miracle you don't have brain damage," the healer scolded. "Now, take your nutrition potion and some dreamless sleep."

Harry groaned, locking his phone and gulping down the vials.

He was out like a light.


	90. Voldemort

Voldemort reads the message and the sincerity in that single 'thank you' hits him like a brick.

"Lucius," he says, voice heavy. "Take a break. Come back in an hour."

"Very well, my Lord." Lucius bows again, but his back remains straight this time around. "Shall I send in Pettigrew?"

"Not yet." He dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

Lucius backs out of the room, and Voldemort reaches across the link to get a feel for Harry's emotions.

He is met with sleepiness, and a calming wave of darkness and concludes Harry must be sleeping.

Left alone in the room, he takes the time to sort out his own emotions and thoughts.

He needs to do this if he has to face Harry on Sunday.

* * *

Lucius walks out of the room, confused and feeling strangely chastised yet proud. It's an odd mix of emotions, one he hasn't felt since after Draco's first accidental magic.

_"For the sake of your father, Lucius..."_ He recalls the Dark Lord's nostalgic voice and decides to ask his father's portrait to solve this mystery.

His father though, just sneer down at him as of he were once again a fool of 8, rather than a full-grown man in his thirties.

"Think, my son." Abraxas Malfoy snorts and asks, "Who would you rather have bow to you, a Hippogryff or a House-elf?"

"The house-elf would be a safer option." He replies dryly and even through paint and canvas, his father manages to make him feel inferior.

"Let me rephrase that." Abraxas rolls his eyes. "Who would you rather bow to you, Crabbe and Goyle or Theodore Nott."

"Nott." Lucius says immediately, just thinking about the satisfaction he would get from making that uppity bastard who tries to divert his Lord's favor from Lucius to himself.

"Severus Snape or Bellatrix Lestrange?" Abraxas asks again and this time, Lucius takes a while to consider.

"Severus." He answers slowly. "His nose usually so high in the air with confidence in his skills and importance."

"And now, one last question: Peter Pettigrew or James Potter?" Abraxas fixes grey eyes on his son, and Lucius understands the point his father is trying to make.

"James Potter." He whispers.

"You get it now?" His father asks gently and Lucius nods.

"Yes." And he wanders in his Manor, spending the next hour going over this new revelation before returning to his Lord, confidence filling his walk, and spine straight with pride.


	91. Harry Potter

Harry was _extremely_ done with everything by the time Sunday rolled around.

With a brand new skeleton (and wasn't that weird?) and a scarred hand (because _of course_ there wasn't a way to prevent scarring with the curse), he was left with a daily routine of foul-tasting potions, essence of dittany in an effort to make his old scars less visible, and a pair of brand new glasses.

He'd chosen thinner frames, but the shape was still round. It wasn't to piss off Voldemort, really! He'd just... grown fond of the look after all those years, it felt like an extension of himself.

And thus, with a clear, high definition view of the world and the bitter aftertaste of the healer's nagging and interrogation (which he'd remained defensive and perhaps a bit tight-lipped throughout), he was left to... catch up with homework. Hellish days, if he said so himself.

So when he woke up on Sunday to say he was Not Amused would be an understatement.

Until his brain caught up with him, that was. Veins thrumming with anticipation, he was pretty sure he'd never showered and eaten breakfast faster in his entire life, at least not without a threat looming over him. He even caught Hermione on her way to the library, which was rare since he was pretty sure she was an even earlier bird than him.

He told her he was going to the kitchens, which was true. To ask the elves if they could please bring Ron breakfast to the dorm so he wouldn't be caught sneaking in like a dunce for the fourth time that year. Another truth.

But he didn't tell her he was also going to get a biscuit for Voldemort, of all people.

Bubbling with excitement, he finally made it to the Room of Requirement. It was a simple set-up: cream-coloured walls, a fireplace cracking merrily, a table, and two sofas. Four fake windows showed a charmed view of the school grounds. Plenty of space and no distractions, perfect to start with. With his map unfolded and everything ready, he waited.


	92. Voldemort

Voldemort stands at the shores of the Isle of Men, feeling around for the portal that connects the Irish Sea to the Black Lake.

He finds it, and his magic latches onto it, thick strands travelling through the portal connecting to the Black Lake and then again, the portal that connects the Black Lake to the reservoir in the Chamber of Secrets.

It connects, and he takes a step forward, body dissolving into smoke even as the strands of his magic propel him through the two interconnecting portals straight into the Chamber of Secrets.

He arrives and solidifies into knee-deep water, the dead carcass of the Basilisk lying in pristine preserved condition in front of him.

"What a waste." He sighs and concentrates on his surroundings. The magic of the Chamber welcomes him back, and his lips twitch the familiar feel. He extends his magic yet again, feeling for the magic of Hogwarts herself. The welcoming rush feels like nostalgia, and the distinct feeling of homecoming overwhelms him again.

"I am back." He whispers, and lets Hogwarts run her magic through him, welcoming the Heir and Lord-in-waiting Slytherin back into her fold.

"Now..." He closes his eyes and presses upon Hogwarts the need of a door connecting him to the Room where Harry Potter is. Hogwarts answers, and a door manifests on the nearest wall.

"Thank you, my Home." He caresses the wall, and Hogwarts sends a dull throb of warmth through him.

Smiling, he opens the door, and finds himself right staring at the back of a head of messy black hair and second-hand clothes. He drinks in the sight, the anticipation echoing back and doubling the feeling through their link.

"Good Morning, my Dearest." He announces, before stepping up right behind his Chosen One. "I hope you have not been waiting too long."


	93. Harry Potter

Harry _jumped_, his reflexes acting up and making him turn around with his wand raised. "_How-?!_ I didn't see you anywhere on the... map..."

He lowered his wand, sucking in a deep breath.

He'd once thought Tom Riddle, from the diary, was handsome. He hadn't been wrong.

But Voldemort? Voldemort was _gorgeous_. He felt a little weak at the knees just by staring at him. He was... he was so...

Harry shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and snapped his jaw shut. His face felt warm. "Not really, no. Good morning! Erm, so, before we start..." He began, trying to get into his DA teacher mode. Focus, Potter. Focus. Think with the brain in your head, not the one downstairs. "I got you something. I don't know if the healer told you, but everyone was... really thankful. And well, I think McGonagall thought it was me who hired her, and she gave me a biscuit. She never gives anyone biscuits unless the occasion is especially momentous, so..."

Harry shuffled to the table, muttering the phrase to close the map and shoving it in his pocket, before reaching for a tiny parcel he'd wrapped while waiting.

A single chocolate-chip biscuit lay inside, and in his messy scrawl he'd written "For Voldemort". He'd gone out of his way to ask the elves for it instead of summoning it from the room, at least he could put in the extra effort, dammit.

"Really, this is is actually for you," he finished, handing him the little package.


	94. Voldemort

Voldemort looks at his blushing Chosen One. That bowed head, the flush that went from his cheeks and disappeared down his collar, the shuffling feet and the shy way Harry was offering him a package.

"Is that so? Thank You, my dear." He takes the package and reads the scrawled 'For Voldemort' on top of it.

How... cute

The sheer adorableness of the act distracts him from asking about the so-called 'map', and he focuses on opening the package, ignoring the green eyes focused on his face.

"So Minerva still gives out biscuits as a form of showing her appreciation. Just like a cat shares their favorite toys to their owner as a way to showing fondness. How fitting." He murmurs and looks up at Harry.

"I do not care about Minerva, but _your_ appreciation, I will gladly accept." He holds up the biscuit to his lips and looks at green eyes.

"Thank you, Harry." He smiles and takes a bite of the confectionery.

The taste is nostalgic and he closes his eyes in bliss.

"Mnn... Mipsy is still feeding everyone's chocolate addiction in the kitchens, is she?" He opens one eye lazily and he knows it is silted red because of the bliss.

"Do share my regards and remembrance of her when you visit the kitchens again, my dearest." He says and takes another bite, savoring the rare treat for the first time in _decades_.


	95. Harry Potter

The terms of endearment... his smile... damn, the little _moan_ at the biscuit...

Harry's mouth went completely dry. He... he had to take a seat. So he wobbled to the sofa, still mesmerised by Voldemort eating his snack, looking so _happy_. So... human.

"Y... yeah. She's... she's pretty nice. She helps Dobby in taking care of Winky, remembers everyone's favourite food, and never snitches on anyone sneaking in. She's a godsend, really. But she still won't let me go anywhere near the appliances. Really, is it too much to ask to taste something I've cooked, for once? I don't care if I'm of the 'noble House of Potter', must they always go ballistic when I ask?" Harry realised he was ranting, and cleared his throat. "Erm, uh. So... you like chocolate, then? Good to know. Er, so... when you're done with that, we can begin."

Harry focused in calming down while Voldemort finished his biscuit. Deep breaths... a song...

_I'm walkin' on sunshine, woooh, and don't it feel good?_


	96. Voldemort

Voldemort nods at Harry's concession and takes his time savoring the treat. It is over far too soon, and he wipes the crumbs on his lips with his thumb before licking it clean.

"Chocolate is my favorite treat." He explains, eyes still closed as sweet taste lingers on his tongue, his memories doing little justice to reality.

"Well," a tiny bit of wandless ensures his hands are clean yet again, and he focuses on a strangely flushed Harry. "I have the boggart." He takes out a box from his pocket, and enlarges it to the cabinet it originally was.

"I place myself in your hands." He smiles and spreads his hands. "We can begin whenever you're done walking on sunshine?"


	97. Harry Potter

Harry filed that information for later. It might be useful. Yes. He was thinking of useful information, not the way Voldemort licked his thumb, and... _oh god Potter FOCUS ON WALKING ON THE SODDING SUNSHINE_.

Taking a deep breath, he eyed the cabinet, already rattling away. "It's- it's another song, goddammit! Anyway... we won't need the boggart until later. Maybe not even today. We'll take it easy, okay?" Harry closed his eyes. DA teacher mode. He could do this. "So... I'm not implying anything here, okay? I know you're, erm, very competent. And probably know magic I have no idea about, but I need to know what I'm working with here. What can you tell me about the Patronus charm? How does it work?"

He stood from the sofa and paced around slightly, burning off the anxious energy he'd built up in the past minutes. "I'll also need you to try to cast it, no input from me. Just to see what happens. Are you okay with that?"


	98. Voldemort

Voldemort thinks back on the details of the Patronous Charm he has read, and intones:

"The Patronus is the most famous (and famously difficult) defensive charm. The aim is to produce a silvery-white guardian or protector, which takes the form of an animal. The exact form of the Patronus will not be apparent until the spell has been successfully cast. One of the most powerful defensive charms known to wizardkind, the Patronus can also be used as a messenger between wizards. As a pure, protective magical concentration of happiness and hope (the recollection of a single talisman memory is essential in its creation) it is the only spell effective against Dementors."

"According to Sprangle:

> ` A human confronted with inhuman evil, such as the Dementor, must draw upon resources he or she may never have needed, and the Patronus is the awakened secret self that lies dormant until needed, but which must now be brought to light.`

"He also states,

> `A Patronus is an indicator of obsession or eccentricity. Here is a wizard who may not be able to hide their essential self in common life, who may, indeed, parade tendencies that others might prefer to conceal. Whatever the form of their Patronus, you would be well-advised to show respect, and occasionally caution, towards a witch or wizard who produces the Patronus of their choice.`

Voldemort stops to stare thoughtfully at his Chosen One's oddly warm face.

"Yes? Is there something wrong?"


	99. Harry Potter

Harry blinked, a blush darknening his cheeks. "Erm. Voldemort. Do you have... _photographic memory_? Was that an actual quote? It... it was, wasn't it. You were quoting off the top of your head."

And it was _unfairly hot_, his mind unhelpfully added. He ran a hand through his hair, huffing in frustration at himself. Focus, for Godric's sake!

"Okay, so you have the theory down perfectly. Could you try to cast it?" He cleared his throat, trying to keep it together. "I'll watch."


	100. Voldemort

"I have a _near perfect_ photographic memory, yes, but that is enhanced by rituals conducted during my post-Hogwarts years." He shrugs and then focuses on his happiest memory.

_Hogwarts, tall and majestic, appearing just as he exits the tunnel. His Home, brightly lit, warm and welcoming him home, something that 12 year old Tom Riddle experiences for the first time._

Voldemort takes out his wand and swirls it in a perfect circle: "_Expecto Patronum_"

His wand literally _coughs out_ a hazy cloud of white smoke before dissipating harmlessly.

He smiles helplessly even as he caresses his wand soothingly.

"As you can see, _that_ happens every time."


	101. Harry Potter

Harry blinked. The execution was perfect, as expected, but... "Hm. No offence, but... I was expecting worse. That's not bad at all, that shows potential," he murmured. Some of the DA members had spent two months trying and hadn't produced a single wisp of smoke. "Now's when we sit down and talk about it, by the way."

He gestured to the sofas, and sat down himself. "Cuppa? Some linden tea, maybe? It helps," he explained. If Voldemort got as defensive as he did when discussing something so deeply personal, a soothing drink would _definitely_ help. "And, you can change the Room to something you personally find comfortable. A beach, a starry night, a forest near a stream, a cozy sitting room... anything you like, really."

Steeling himself to face a potentially offended Dark Lord, he continued. "Because I'll need to ask what you just thought of."


	102. Voldemort

"What... I thought of?" Voldemort blinks. The sudden question has taken him aback.

Something like that is equivalent to asking a person about their boggart, asking them what they see in the Mirror of Erised.

And one thing that has held true since he took up his _name_, is that _Lord Voldemort doesn't do feelings_.

"No." He flatly refuses. "This is something immensely personal, and I signed up for lessons on how to cast a Patronus, not therapy."

However, he does accept the offer to turn the Room into something he finds comforting.

Grass greener than than ever before springs underneath his feet, a sweet wind sweeps through the plain, and fresh-morning dew shines in star-light on the blades.

The sky is full of stars, no moon in sight, and the presence of light in the absence of moon marks it as the time just before dawn.

There is absolute silence, no birds chirping and insects whirling, but the relative silence is peaceful. It calms down the monster rising it's head inside and it goes back to sleep, soothed by the serenity.

"No." Voldemort looks back down in green eyes and says firmly. "Pick something else, another way if you must. But not this."


	103. Harry Potter

Harry fell to the slightly damp grass with a yelp, flat on his arse, as the sofas and the table disappeared. "Oof! Warn a bloke!"

He sighed. He knew this was going to happen. Voldemort would close off right away. "I _told_ you my approach was hands-on... Patronuses are... they're like teaching Occlumency, I've heard. The proper kind, not the... thing I do with songs. We can do it your way, but we'll be fumbling in the dark for a while," he explained, as he summoned tea for himself, sitting a bit more comfortably in the grass. "Come on, sit down, Voldemort. Get yourself a cuppa. This place you picked is pretty nice, innit? Relaxing. It's perfect, because you need to relax."

Harry stared at the stars, now that he'd recovered from getting acquainted with the ground. It really _was_ some beautiful scenery. "If it makes you feel any better, you'll get to see my boggart when you make progress."


	104. Voldemort

Voldemort stares at Harry's face, yet it remains as open as it was before, no sign of deception visible on it's smooth planes.

He signs, and sits down, asking and receiving a cup of cool cocoa in his hands. An absent thought as a gnarled tree rising up from behind him and leans back, the leaves a comforting canopy, sparse enough to let him see the stars and green enough that their fresh scent mixes soothingly with that of dewy grass.

"This is strangely nostalgic." He muses, ignoring the initial question entirely. "_'Talking about my feelings'_, hah! You would have gotten along well with the last guy who asked me about it."

"Though-" he continues, ignoring the stare burning the side of his face, "I met him first, and then went forward in search of this place," he spreads his arms to point to the rather serene scenery he first discovered in Greenland in 1969, "to answer some rather disturbing questions he raised."

"You might have heard of him." Voldemort turns to face Harry and sighs. "He was a muggle Auror too. American psychologist into Behavioral stuff in the late 60s. I met him randomly, and he took one look at my face and said, "You look like a serial killer."" Voldemort barks out a laugh.

"I owe my sanity to him." He continues. "In the very short talk we had, he forced me to do some introspection and lead to questions that lead to me discovering flaws in my Horcruxes soon after. In exchange," he grins in remembrance, "I helped him fix his relationship with his college sweetheart."

"And thus-" He meets those oh-so-bright eyes, and whispers, "In memory of the last occasion, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."

He closes his eyes and swallows.

"I think of the very first time I saw Hogwarts. That moment when you're on the boat, and come through the arch to get your first look at Her, brightly lit and welcoming us home."

He pauses and takes a sip, the cold drink dragging out a tired sigh.

"It was the first time Tom Riddle ever felt loved, welcome and wanted."


	105. Harry Potter

Harry stared curiously at Voldemort's shift in mood. He looked serene -- beautiful -- especially in this scenery.

"A... muggle cop? He called you a serial killer to your face and you just had a nice, friendly chat? I mean, he wasn't wrong- no offence! You _have_ killed lots of people- uh... I'll just stop talking now." Harry mumbled his last words, chewing on his lip. It didn't last long, however. "But... it _is_ nice that you helped each other. And... it means a lot that you wanted to try back then, and that you're giving me a chance now."

Harry took a sip of his tea, closing his eyes for a second. As he heard Voldemort's thought, the liquid settled like rocks in his stomach. He opened his eyes.

"Oh. Oh no..." He mumbled. "Would you believe me if I said that was what I first thought too? Well, the whole... concept of it. When I found out that I was a wizard, and not a freak. Diagon Alley, Hagrid, the boat trip... it... didn't work either."

He rubbed at his eyes behind his new glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. They were more similar than Harry had thought.

"You see, first times... they're powerful. They're what you latch on to, right? What you remember. But they're not always... the _best_ times, are they? Sometimes, something even better comes up, even if it's not the first time. You have to feel it in your bones. A warmth, a happiness that just... makes you think you're gonna explode. Something so amazing you wanna yell it from the rooftops, so overwhelming you can't even feel the _cold_ anymore." Harry got passionate as he spoke, gesturing heavily. "And... honestly? Moments like that are _hard_ to find. Even harder for... well, people like us, from what you're saying."

He took a sip of his tea, mustering up the courage to say what he wanted.

"Have you... ever heard of the muggle saying of 'fake it till you make it'? Um... it doesn't work, most of the time. People who fake being happy end up miserable. But for the Patronus? It rings true," he explained. Okay, how to put this... it was embarrassing. His cheeks tinged a shade darker. "What I'm saying is, if you can't find a memory, it's ok to imagine one, until you find the real deal. It'll work, too. You just have to imagine what would make you the happiest, uh- this is already sounding pretty sappy, but... something that'd make you so happy you could cry, that it would threaten to burst out your chest. If you manage to capture that feeling... you'll have it. That will produce a Patronus."


	106. Voldemort

Voldemort looks back up the stars and slowly slips the cocoa, enjoying the silence.

It took a while, but the cup was finally drained, and he looks down to stare at the bottom, starting to think about memories that made him _feel_, the warmth comparable to his first home-coming, spreading through his fingers and bones.

_A memory of healing his tethers, ensuring that his soul wasn't completely in pieces and the emotional safety and comfort when he came to terms with the demons in his heart as he looked at the same starry sky as now._

"_Expecto Patronum,_" He whispers and tries again. His wand does not _cough_, and the cloud is denser than the first time.

But this still leaves Voldemort puzzled, for if the moment of the re-joining of his very _soul_ wasn't enough, then what could be?

"Harry," he looks at his Chosen One, and asks, "if you don't mind me asking, what _is_ your memory?"


	107. Harry Potter

Harry smiled warmly. "That's progress, see? You said you never got this far. You just have to nail it, now."

He grew embarrassed, however, when Voldemort asked about _his_ memory.

"Well... it depends. I mostly... I mostly imagine them on the spot, it's... instinct. I just think of the best case scenario, something that fills me with hope, with happiness. I think of the people I love, being safe. And, erm..." He scratched at the back of his neck. "My first time casting a corporeal Patronus, I might have been involved in some... time travel business? Basically, Sirius and I were swarmed by what had to be more than a hundred Dementors, and we were about to be Kissed. Their faces... they're horrible... but! A stag chased them away, and I was delirious, and I thought it had been my dad. But then Hermione and I used a time turner because... reasons, and obviously, my dad didn't come back from the dead. And then I realized it had been me. I had saved Sirius, and... I shared a Patronus with my dad. And... Sirius being alive and safe, and the thought of my dad... well, that did it."

Harry raised his wand, then. "But you can't rely on a single memory. If you freeze up and can't remember it, it's best to make up one. Or just... try to find more happy memories you might have missed. That's why I don't have _a_ memory, I either come up with them, or... they pop into my head, every time." He took a deep breath. "_Expecto Patronum._"

That one had been easy. The sheer amount of emotion threatened to tear him at the seams, as the silvery figure of Prongs burst forth from his wand, proudly trotting around them, a serene expression on its face when it sensed no danger. It eventually settled down, laying next to Voldemort on the grass. It shone as brightly as the sun, matching the wobbly smile that had unwittingly crept up his face.

"I need... wow, I need a moment. That _was_ a memory," he mumbled, removing his glasses and wiping at his damp eyes. Prongs stayed even when Harry broke concentration and eye contact, fueled by his sheer _hope_.


	108. Voldemort

Voldemort looks at the brilliant stag laying next to him, and raises a hand. He eyes of the stag look at him, and he pauses his hand, waiting for permission to touch as one does when asking wild creatures, for no matter the fact that a stag is herbivorous, Voldemort has no illusions about it being any less dangerous, any less _magnificent_ than his own Nagini.

The stag huffs, but moves it head forwards, rubbing it's head on Voldemort's palm and an overwhelming wave of _hope_ fills his being. He closes bis eyes, basking in the peace, before moving his hands to rub the smooth, _hopeful_ skin of the conjured Patronus.

It takes a long while for him to come down from the high of _hope_ and _peace_ and _longing_, but he does so and opens his eyes to look at Harry.

"Does the change in memories affect the strength of the Patronous?" He asks, his voice rough, his mind going through his own experiences to ponder upon which memory has the possibility of such a strong emotion embedded in it's depth.

"And..." He looks back down at the stag that is now somehow closer to him than it, no _he_ was before. "Have the memories changed over time? Does the same memory you used when you were thirteen still work as well when you're now fifteen? Or has it changed to something else? Something... _better_?"

Because he has a suspicion about why his memory of Hogwarts isn't strong enough to sustain a Patronous and Harry's answer can maybe help him decide on the memory he needs.


	109. Harry Potter

Harry's tea cup lay in the grass, just as forgotten as Harry's wand, still in his hand in a lax grip. He released a shaky breath.

"I-it's... not so intense, usually. Must be because it's fresh..." He murmured. "Well... things change over time, don't they? Sirius is safe now. It still works, but it's... not as powerful..."

He tried to keep it together, he really did, but he was still shaking.

"I... kinda thought about many things, all at once. How you're... not trying to kill me anymore, you're willing to compromise, we're _here_, and... and when I talked to Sirius, I was honest with him, alright? And... he wasn't as stubborn as I thought he'd be, he was alright with leaving the war, and I just..." Harry sucked in a deep breath, and Prongs seemed to nod sympathetically. "Everything... it's just everything. It gives me so much hope. That this can end without bloodshed, that everyone could be safe, no more fear... I... saw the light at the end of the tunnel. That's what I just thought."

Prongs bowed its head deeply and slowly dissolved into smoke, carried away in the breeze. Harry swallowed, a lump in his throat. "Look at me, blubbering like an idiot. Ah, shite..." He furiously wiped at his eyes, and put his glasses back on. "I'm probably a lousy teacher. Did... any of that make sense? At all?"


	110. Voldemort

"It makes perfect sense." Voldemort says soothingly.

For while Tom Riddle's happiest memory was the unconditional acceptance of Hogwarts and His Home, that was not the same for Voldemort.

It has been more than 50 years since then. People change, memories change. Two decades ago, the memory of stitching his soul back and reconnecting with his Horcruxes might have been his happiest memory, but it is not so today, right now.

"It makes _perfect_ sense." He repeats, for it does. He is not the same Voldemort he was a month ago, nor the same he was a week ago.

He closes his eyes, his hands on his lap as he looks within himself, dropping his Occlumency enough to let his own unbridled emotions drown him in desperation.

It is not the fact that he has a body now, that he has found his wayward Horcrux, that victory seems so close at grasp and peace just a day away. Those do give him hope, but they don't make him _happy_.

Leaning back in thought, his wand lays forgotten on his lap and he stares at the stars. A recent, yet distant, thought echoes through his soul, filling his veins with warmth, and hope, and _life_.

He turns, a thought full of longing brings Harry closer still, to sit next him, close enough to feel his warmth.

A fond smile curls at his lips and he leans over to cup Harry's cheek, his thumb caressing the soft skin below his eyes and wiping away stray tears.

Green eyes stare at him in wide-eyed confusion and Voldemort loses himself, seeing his memory reflected in those green depths.

_Traveling the World with Harry at his side. Exploring the depths of vales and highs of peaks and under the canopy of ancient trees with stars as their witness._

_Never alone, never unwanted, never unloved_.

"_Expecto Patronum_," he whispers.

The light under his hands is not unexpected, and even without looking, Voldemort knows exactly what his Patronous is.

For he doubts he could look away from his Dearest at this very moment.

And even as hope and happiness and contentment fills his chest, so does doubt.

Because he has _today_, today when Harry can look at him with such gentle eyes and _understand_ him and accept him. But Harry is still _fifteen_.

He changed enough from thirteen to fifteen to have a different memory give him happiness. Who knows if he will change his thoughts about Voldemort in 2 more years?

A week was enough for the enemity between them to simmer down to their current... _peace_. Would another week be enough for Harry's attention to wander and for him to lose his regard?

Fear, dull and throbbing, fills him for the first time since he was sixteen, and his Patronous shimmers out of existence. Fear, poisonous, insidious, _ugly_ and more _deadly_ than Death has him looking away, his hands dropping from the soft warmth in his palm.

Because now that he knows what he wants, losing it would destroy him more than losing his Horcruxes. It is like a disease, this hopelessness clawing in his chest. Because he knows the very thought of Harry growing up and looking at _someone else_ the way he looks at him now would be something he would never recover from.

Prevention is better than cure, and Voldemort gathers those feelings, locking them behind iron walls and doors in the deepest corners of his mind.

The sweet after-taste still makes his hands tremble, and he smiles, knowing he has failed to hide the sadness in the cruel twist of his lips.

"Using two different memories also work, you said?" He asks mildly, ignoring the past moment entirely.

"Perhaps I should try this again with a different one just-in-case? That should strengthen my hold on this Charm." He muses and shakes his head.

"What other types of memories would you recommend?"


	111. Harry Potter

Harry was startled when he felt himself grow closer to Voldemort, as if the Room was summoning him. He was shocked still when the man wiped his tears away, such a tender gesture... and he _melted_.

A corporeal Patronus shimmered into existence, and it was impossible to miss how there was no wand in sight. Nor the fact that it had the head of a lion and the head of a _stag_. His heart skipped a beat, his cheeks darkening.

But the strangest thing of all is the fact that he saw... sadness, _fear_ in Voldemort's eyes, before he looked away. And he'd... closed off again. The sudden shift in mood was jarring, and he felt bereft without Voldemort's hands on his face.

"It... it does, yeah. I... your Patronus is a chimera. Magical creatures are rare, and... you mastered it in a day, that's... that was amazing, great job..." He was babbling, he knew. He just couldn't _forget_ the sharp contrast between such a tender moment and the flash of despair seconds later. "I won't ask what you thought of, Voldemort. But I'll ask you this."

Tapping into his Gryffindor boldness, he took a hold of one of the Dark Lord's hands with both of his own, looking at him sincerely. "...do you want a hug?"

Because he looked like he _needed_ one, but Harry knew if he voiced _that_, Voldemort would only claim he didn't.


	112. Voldemort

Harry's offer has him turning to look at him in shock, the hand holding his own a much-needed anchor to reality. He looks at those eyes again, searching for a sign that this was an offer he was being given willingly, without pity and found only acceptance there.

"I - " he swallows and his fingers curl, holding that calloused hand to him tighter still. "Do what you want." He looks away, unable to accept, yet unable to deny.

And when his Dearest did so, he burrowed his head in those slender shoulders, carving the moment in his heart for who knew if it would ever be offered to him a second time.

It takes a while, but he reaches around, holding the younger boy closer still, trying and failing to close the distance between them as much as he desired.

"You didn't ask," he says moments later, when the trembling subsides and he can speak again. "you didn't ask but I will tell you regardless." His voice is thicker still, and he coughs to clear his throat, continuing as if he hadn't just let himself lose to emotions.

"It's a memory of the future." He continues. "Perhaps it shall come to pass, perhaps it shan't. But the memory is enough for me to treasure it as such."

His fingers let go of Harry's back and he tangles them in messy black hair.

"Thank you, my Dearest Harry." Because while he regrets the fact it shall never come to pass, the taste of it is enough to sate him for the lonely decades yet to come.


	113. Harry Potter

That half-hearted permission was the only thing Harry needed to dart forwards and hug the living daylights out of Voldemort, as if he were to disappear right then and there if Harry didn't hold him. And when he felt the man show his ___vulnerability_ by resting his head on Harry's shoulder, something deeply instinctual sparked to life in him, a protective surge that made him rub circles on the Dark Lord's back.

"Shhh... I'm here, Voldemort. I've got you. You're okay..." He murmured, feeling Voldemort's trembling arms return the hug.

When Voldemort vaguely explained what he'd thought of, Harry smiled sadly, stroking the nape of his neck. "I'd say that's a dangerous thing to do, but that'd make me an hypocrite, wouldn't it?" He closed his eyes as he felt the other's fingers in his hair. "You said you'd put yourself in my care, didn't you? Well, that's me. Taking care of you. I won't let you get sad on my watch, is that clear? I told you a trick for the Patronus is 'fake it till you make it'. The key here is 'till you make it', and I know you can. You can make happy memories, Voldemort."


	114. Voldemort

Voldemort waits till he can clear his mind, enjoying the warmth, the _life_ of the body pressed against him.

"I am the Dark Lord Voldemort." He says haughtily, even as his fingers refuse to let go of Harry. "I do _not_ need your help, or pity."

"After-all," he continues, allowing his body to loosen up and his mind to let go of the sudden burst of fear and sadness, "if I can do this once, I can do this again, this time, _without any help_."

Harry laughs, and the sound washes over him, the movement feeling pleasant against his skin.

And since he is greedy and selfish and the _Dark Lord_, he tilts his head, and presses a soft kiss with moist lips to the underside of Harry's jaw before pulling back and untangling their bodies.

"Thank you for the hug, my Dearest." He smiles and pats his head, "And for the lesson. But-" He sighs and stands, stretching to reduce the tension in his body. "It is getting late and Nagini is waiting for me."

The Room returns to it's previous state around him, and he takes a step towards the Floo that is the only addition to the re-decorated Room.

"Do take care of yourself, and make sure you don't need another Healer's visit, yes?"


	115. Harry Potter

Harry sighed, closing his eyes for a second. Nevermind Sirius, _Voldemort_ was the most stubborn person he'd known. Maybe he would have made a good Gryffindor. He chuckled at the thought, and the sheer _absurdity_ of what Voldemort was saying.

"It's not pity, it's _sympathy._ I know that face because I've seen it in the mirror, Voldemort," he said gently. "And if you ever _want_ my help again, you know where to find-"

Harry froze at the intimate kiss, warmth rushing to his face. He exhaled shakily, staring at Voldemort wide-eyed with _want_.

And then Voldemort was walking away, about to leave, and-

"W-wait!" Harry rushed to his feet, walking closer. And on impulse, he hugged the taller man again. "You take care of yourself too, alright? I mean it. If I find out you're sad, I'm strangling Draco Malfoy until he tells me where you are, and storming in there to hug you again."

He raised his head to look at Voldemort in the eye, full of determination.


	116. Voldemort

Voldemort stills at the determination in his Dearest's eyes, the warmth of the hug filling his veins, the beat of Harry's heart pulsing with his own and then somehow, he finds himself smiling yet again.

"Of course." He chuckles. "Annoying a Malfoy is something I can get behind. Abraxas also had the most amusing expressions when I used to push him around too." He shakes his head, before he recalls.

"Here." He reaches around and take's one of Harry's hand in his own. "This is for Sirius Black. _Do Not Open It_. It has a little something extra besides the memory as a peace-offering and to seal the deal." He places a red mokeskin pouch in the hand being held in his own before releasing it.

"And this," he holds the other hand, and only free hand of Harry's now, and presses a green mokeskin pouch in it, "is for you. You were un-well and hence, I decided to hand this over personally. This includes the books I promised you and then some."

After making sure both of Harry's hands were busy holding the pouches, he cups his Chosen One's cheeks, his palms brushing tanned cheeks and fingers tangling yet again in unruly hair.

He leans over, pressing another kiss, soft and barely a brush, to the center of his forehead, and then steps back just as quickly,

"Do wake up early tomorrow morning as well. I have another gift for you." He whispers, before quickly walking back to the Floo and travelling over to Malfoy Manor.

And he as he steps out of the Fireplace, face already heating up because of the events of the morning, he wonders how Harry will react to his gift: A surprise appointment with a Mind Healer from St Mungo's.


End file.
